Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dear Crabby - FINALLY!

Wowza! Can it be true that the last Dear Crabby was two weeks ago!? I feel horrible. There have literally been fives and tens of people waiting for my help with bated breath. Fear not! I'm back at it, Squares! Nothing too life-changing in the hopper, but it's good to get a little warm up in so I don't pull anything by advising too quickly after such a long break. Let's do it.

Dear Crabby,

So I know you're a fellow Public Transportation fan, much like I am. Here's the thing, I'm getting really sick of getting sucked into a book just as I get off my train. Any suggestions on how I can stay distracted but not for too long?

About to Decide to Drive

What's up, A.D.D.?

I know the feeling! As soon as I re-remember all the characters in my book (Game of Thrones, in case you care...which I'm sure you do because it's AWESOME), it's time to get off the bus. It's getting really irritating. But what I like to do is watch a little TV. I downloaded the first season of Happy Endings, which is, quite possibly, the best show on TV right now. Trust me. It's the perfect combination of quick entertainment, constant lol's, and it's not all hard to follow. So, it's great transpor-tainment. Oooh, I like that word. Dibs on making that term up! Anyway, yeah, put some good ol' boob tube on your iPod. It'll make the ride way better, and then you'll know what I mean when I say things like "Women be shoppin'. Women. Be. Shoppin'." Hilars!

Dear Crabby,

I'm pregnant! Woo hoo! I'm pretty excited, and everything is all good in my utero-hood. Here's my big problem. We aren't finding out the sex of this little bun in my oven, and my husband is saying some crazy things regarding names. Cloris has been mentioned for a girl. Stoker and Masher for a boy (what's with the verb names, btw!?) I don't want to hurt his feelings, but those are just not okay with me. Got any suggestions for what I can say to him?

Thanks so much,
Not Naming My Baby Cheech

Hey yo, NNMBC,

I'm shocked you came to a person named PHARON for advice on how to avoid an undesirable name. Bravo! Also, congrats on the fetus! I'll drink your share of the wine for you. You're welcome. Anyhoozle, I don't know how people agree on names for their offspring. Usually, the people I know are super opposite, but then somehow, the thing comes out, and someone says a name, and it just works. I guess all I can tell you is to call his bluff. Passionately throw out some crazy weird names. Then randomly pepper in your REAL favorites, and he'll probably fall for it. You could be all "Let's see. I like Pippola, Shlacy, Poiple, or maybe Abigail for a girl. Or how about Stallion, Durd, or Ethan for a boy." Unless he's an idiot, you'll be meeting little Abigail or Ethan someday. Regardless, you're going to love little Stacey or Snowball, no matter her name!

Dear Crabby,

A friend of mine borrowed a bag of mine, and when I got it back, it looked HORRIBLE! The zipper was broken, apparently a squid or something exploded all over the inside, and it was just so terrible! It's a pretty pricey bag, but it's a year or two old so I feel really bad asking her to pay me for the whole thing. But it's not like I am going to go out and pay a bunch to only FIX it. I don't know what to do. She's typically a really nice and considerate person, but all she said when she gave it back was "Sorry, I guess I kind of wore it out a little!" What do I do?

Sad Sack

Oh no, Sad Sack! That sucks! What kind of person DOES that?! I would guess that for the most part, women who are okay with loaning out their belongings typically do so expecting to get it back in the same condition. When something bad happens, though, the normal thing to do is for the offender to offer to replace the item. In this case, I wouldn't wait too long. I'd straight up tell her that your bag makes you sad now, and the only thing that will cheer you up is a replacement bag. If you're willing to, offer to chip in for a new or similar bag. Otherwise, you shouldn't feel obligated to do that. If she puts up a fuss, ask to borrow her most expensive thing and then either destroy it or keep it for yourself. All's fair in love and ruining other people's stuff.

w000000t! I like getting back into the swing of things! I've missed hearing all your problems, because I've been consumed with my own, which was just so lame. Okay, so now that I'M back, you better get your butts in gear and email your hangups, issues, problems, drama, etc. to And next week, we'll do it all over again! I'm sure you can't wait. But you MUST! Alright, nutjobs, take care!

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