Tuesday, July 20, 2010

An Open Letter to People Who Live Near Me and Are Annoying

To Whom it Definitely Concerns:

This morning, my public transport vehicle (bus) arrived and I boarded quickly, found a spot and sat down. When you boarded the bus, Offender #1, you slowly and heavily plopped down right next to me, despite the thousands of open seats. You then proceeded to read World’s Widest Newspaper, pausing only to chat loudly on your cell phone about a bill your wife could not locate. You must not have realized it, but you were all up in my personal space, and emitted the distinct odor of foot. I urge you to reconsider your careless decision to share your mornings with people.

In regards to your decision to casually bike around the lake next to my house, I applaud your determination to achieve physical health and well-being. However, Offender #2, you seem to have unknowingly cruised into the roadway and are obstructing the path of my much larger, much heavier car. Yes, you have a very nice bicycle, and it looks like it could go very fast. However, I can’t be sure, as you have clearly chosen not to utilize the full capability of all ten speeds. May I direct you to the bike path on your left? It’s that paved mini-road not more than 2 feet away that was specifically designed to carry non-motorized passengers such as yourself.

I, much like you Offender #3, appreciate the companionship a pet can offer. They give unconditional love to those who take care of them. I am having some difficulty in understanding the level of care you are providing, though, when your small canine must stay outside all night and morning. Perhaps he would enjoy coming inside the house to spend some time with you? I can’t be sure, but based on the duration of his desperate and constant yaps, it seems he is attempting to communicate with you. When I had a dog growing up, his bark notified us that we needed to change a stressful situation. You might want to bring him inside and give him a hug. And a shock collar.

May I speak frankly to you, Offenders #4-10? I understand that you are but children, but as members of the human race, I believe it is imperative that you learn not to scream bloody murder every time one of your friends does something to displease you. And though you may still be learning your manners and basic human skills, it is unkind to ride your scooter mere inches away from my feet as I walk down the sidewalk. I make a conscious effort, when entertaining friends, to realize that I am not the only person in the world and respect the noise coming from my house. It may behoove you to come to this same realization and reflect for a moment on the level of noise emitted from your inexplicably dirt-covered mouth.

I trust that you will consider these suggestions, and take the necessary measures to correct the above-mentioned actions. It is with nothing but respect that I urge to you change your personalities and lifestyles so as not to offend me further.

World’s Most Perfect Neighbor

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