On Why I Can't Respect Lindsay Lohan

Last week, I put a hilaaaarious status up on Facebook. “I just can’t stop thinking about Lindsay Lohan in jail. I hope she’s okay.” See, it's funny because it's not true. I can’t stand Lindsay Lohan. I think she’s irritating and bland. She’s made some mediocre movies, put out an album (allegedly…has anyone actually heard it!?), she was like a pseudo-lesbian for a minute, and she just does all these other almost-totally wackjob things, but she doesn’t do anything 100%. It’s like the kid’s got no heart.

For instance, Amy Winehouse really gave the whole drug addiction her all. She weighed like 23 pounds, all of which was in her hair, got some weird tattoos, and started talking to people who weren’t there. And yet, she’s an incredibly talented musician. That’s a girl I can get behind. I’ll buy her next album (if there ever IS a next album). I mean, I bought Britney Spears’ album after her hair grew back, someone removed all sharp objects from her house, and her dad tightened up on her funds previously allotted for mushrooms. The girl knows how to put on a show, and that’s a success story I’ll support.

But little Lindsay Lohan. My God, woman. Take some pride in your work. She can’t even stay in jail for 100% of the time she’s supposed to. At least she had the decency to take the time to write “F*&K OFF” on her fingernail for her sentencing hearing. Atta girl, Lindsay!

My feeling about celebrities is this: whatever you do, do it big. (Caveat: The only exceptions to this rule are people like Mel Gibson, Screetch and Spenser Pratt. These guys are certifiably insane, yes. They went directly to Crazy and never looked back. But I just plain don’t care about them. I mean, drug-addiction, political rants, unfortunate mugshots, and drunken nuptials are one thing. Racist and sexist rampages, ugly facial hair, and pathetic publicity stunts are quite another. These things are simply unforgivable.)

Am I asking too much? I think not. I’m just saying that hey, if you’ve got a major character flaw and you can’t seem to stop flashing the paparazzi when you get out of the car, embrace it. By all means, go ahead and start a fight with that plate of chili fries. But tomorrow, show up to work on time and bring enough of those chili fries for the whole cast. And yes, go right ahead and have illegitimate kids and/or "sexcapades". But at the very least, get your butt on Oprah, look nice, and talk about your other projects! That’s all. Robert Downey Jr. can do it. Madonna and George Michael have done it about 30 times. Even Brad Pitt. He’s dating a vampire who spawns babies just by spreading her wings in foreign countries, but the man puts out good movies. It all works because they work. And they work hard. Which, in turn, makes me care.

Is it really getting to the point where I have to root for the sober musicians, the un-tortured actors with healthy egos strictly in tact? Ugh, I really hope not. I don’t know where Tom Hanks is, and Kelly Clarkson hasn’t had an album out in years…

So, Lindsay, the rule of thumb is if you’re going to be a disrespectful, lazy, egotistical, adderall-popping junky, at least have the decency to be an actual actress.