Dear Crabby

What's up, squares? Here are fabulous answers to your fabulous questions!

Dear Crabby,

I’m trying to get out of a date this weekend, because, well, I found something better to do than go for an uncomfortable dinner with someone I really don’t like that much. I feel KIND of bad, but not so bad that I won’t ditch him. Got any creative suggestions for last-minute excuses?

Thanks!
Excuuuuuuse Me

Well hello, Excuuuuuse Me,

I hate making up excuses! Usually, I don’t bother and say “I changed my mind. I really don’t feel like doing anything tonight.” Sure it’s kind of blunt, but the alternative takes SOOO much energy. Coming up with a lie, making sure you don’t FB or tweet about what you did INSTEAD, remembering not to bring up the thing you ended up doing in a later conversation with that person, making sure you don’t bump IN to that person…ugh! It’s too much work, as far as I’m concerned. So, my honest advice is to go straight up truthiness. Tell him something came up (it’s true: Something better came up) and you need a raincheck. Put in a smiley face emoticon so he can’t get mad. Then you’re home free! Not the “honest” type? Fine. Here’s a brief list of good excuses: Your car broke down, you’re house sitting in a different city, you accidentally donated all your left shoes to Goodwill and have to wait until your Zappos.com order arrives, you’re fasting and the mere thought of food will make you crazy, your face tattoo is infected and leaky so legally you can’t be in restaurants . I think that should cover it. Good luck, you big liar! Let me know what you do, and if you end up using one of these stellar excuses!

Dear Crabby,

I really think my friend is insane. She's like bipolar now and jumping around from guy to guy and crying all the time. It's annoying. She'll be all fine and then all of a sudden, she's lashing out at everyone around her claiming we don't "understand". She can't tell us what is wrong, and I don't know what to do. You got any crazy-friend advice?

Love the blog, love the advice column, love it all, love love love,
Bipolar Bear

Hey Bipolar Bear,

Glurb...crazy friends can be the worst! (Side note: They can also be the BEST. Just TRY and not have fun with a crazy person. It can't be done.) Sounds to me like your friend has a classic case of "I Don't Know What I'm Doing in Life So I'm Going to Pretend Like I Have it All and Get Angry At Anyone Who Tries to Tell Me Otherwise" syndrome. If you're good enough friends, I suggest a swift kick in her shin. Then, while she's down, calmly explain to her that she is insane and that she needs to pull herself together. If you're not at the "kick her while she's down" phase in your friendship, I say "ABANDON SHIP". Cut her out for awhile. Stop dealing with her psycho-babble and tell her you'll be friends again when she's normal. Until then? Tell her to lose your number. No one needs that kind of toxic behavior around them. You can't do anything right, according to her, so maybe just bail out for awhile. At the very least, it'll save YOUR sanity. Oooh, or you could slip a card to psychiatrist under her door and say they're from "An anonymous, concerned citizen". Hopefully she'll get the very obvious hint.

Dear Crabby,

Gack! I got gum in my hair! It's right at the root and I really don't want to cut it out! What should I do!?

SEND HELP!
-Gummy Hair

First off, Gummy Hair? Best. Name. Ever. Loves it. I'm answering this only because of your clever handle. Well played! Okay: getting gum out of your hair. Step One: Figure out how a grown adult got GUM in your HAIR and then decide to never to that again. Step Two: Have a few glasses of wine - you'll need it, trust me. Step Three: Somehow run freezing cold water or ice over the affected area. Step Four: Chip out the gum. If the gum doesn't chip off, you'll need to quick pound another glass of wine and continue on to Step Five...

Step Five: Dramatically step in front of your bathroom mirror. Step Six: Start crying. Step Seven: Pull out comically large, stainless steel scissors. Step Eight: Snip your hair right at its roots. Step Nine: Continue sobbing uncontrollably. Step Ten: Alternate between laughing and crying. Step Eleven: Start maniacally cutting the rest of your hair at it's roots and smearing lipstick all over your face. Step Twelve: Remember to never get gum stuck in your hair ever again, weirdo...

KISSES! Hope I helped some you lovable weirdos! I loved these oddball questions this week, btw, so have NO FEAR when submitting YOUR crazy questions to pharonsquare@gmail.com. The zanier the better! Say word...