Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Girl, You So Crazy

I try and not use this blog as a personal therapy session too often. But I'm a human, and sometimes I end up spilling my conflicted guts on here. I mean, I try to thinly veil my current problem with hilarious, relevant stories that allow me work through something, but I try and not be so obvious about it. It's like hiding a dog's heartworm medicine inside a treat so he won't even know he's eating it.

I've been driving myself CRAZY lately. I've been kind of forced persuaded to consider the phrase "Where is this going?" in regards to my relationship lately. It's just like this little tiny seed that was tossed at my brain, and somehow, it's grown roots against my will. I'm not a particularly forceful person when it comes to relationships, either. I'm more like "Whatever works, works." But all of a sudden, this question came tearing into my psyche and it Freaked. Me. Out. So, I did what any sane, modern, fabulous woman would do. I immediately dumped it on Geo while he was studying for his class. I casually tossed out the "I'm sort of interested in learning your view on the figurative directional propulsion of our current partnership status." In other words: Where is this going?

Needless to say, I had caught him off guard. He didn't have a statement prepared, and we had this messy, fumbling conversation about generalities and "organic relationship evolution" and I hate to admit this, but I mumbled the phrase "biological clock" at one point. It was not pretty. I had no idea what I wanted to actually accomplish in the conversation, and thusly had not prepared the appropriate brainwashing technique I would use. So, we were both verbally sinking and flailing, desperate for the other person to get a grip and pull the other one back on to Sanity Shore. Eventually, we managed to get back on even ground and just went about our days.

That, by no means, implies the root discussion has gone away. In FACT! The whole flailing around thing shook me up quite a bit. So now I'm all "What does this mean? What does THAT mean? Do I need to wear sweatpants less? Am I supposed to make him not play video games as much? Should I invest more in candles and strawberries? Do we need a love fern?" And it's all just grossing me out. But THAT - the fact that it's grossing me out - is probably the most disturbing part. I'm just going to come out and say this, if only to qualify myself as a Non Crazy Girlfriend. I'm a great girlfriend. I really am. I prefer to have my own set of friends, I like it when he goes out and does things he enjoys - if only so he can get out of my way when I want to eat a pint of ice cream in peace - I like his friends, I support his ambitions, I think he's funny (sometimes), I'm thoughtful without being overbearing, and I'm overall a laid back kind of gal.

So, what, I exhibit cliche girlfriend behavior ONCE and I send myself down this "Am I Crazy?!" spiral? I for one can't handle it. I think I'm allowed this. I'm pretty sure I've earned the right to have one girlie, typical reaction every once in awhile. To be fair, Geo hasn't done ANYthing to make me feel bad about bringing the whole thing up. (Oddly, he doesn't seem to really remember the conversation even happened.) But, like, he hasn't done anything to make me NOT feel bad about it. Yes, I hear myself say these things and want to stick a fork in my eye, but I can't help it. I'm powerless to the feminine instincts. I chalk it up to the natural male tendencies to avoid serious subjects at all costs. But why am I beating myself up over indulging - once! - in my own version of the banal?

I chatted with my girlfriends about this and came to this conclusion. (There's not ONE girl I know who hasn't found themselves in this position, so I was dealing with experts here.) Guys? Get over yourselves. Women are not scary, crazy aliens who are out to devour your souls and ruin your life by - gasp! - calmly asking what the dealio is. We aren't insane beasts of vengeance who want nothing more than to lock you into a committed relationship. (Okay, SOME women are like that and they give women like ME a very, very bad name. Cut that out, Crazy Women! You're ruining everything!) And most importantly, I'm not a lunatic for feeling like I want to discuss the possibilities of the next step. There's a reason some things become cliche - because lots of times it's just nature and it happens all the time. I guess I just have to remind myself that just because I may be ready to get a bit more serious, it doesn't instantly turn me into a woman who constantly ruins her man's fun and makes him stay in on weekends doing home improvement projects.

My point - and I do have one - is that I really don't think I've devolved into some maniacal girlfriend who wants to eat Geo's soul just because I brought up - again, ONCE! - the issue of our future. Geo isn't the one making me feel like this, by the way. (Sure he's not going out of his way to assure me I'm not insane, but still.) I think there's a fine line between a girl who's obsessed with getting married and a girl who just wants to know if she should start trying to get back down to her Single Girl Weight. I have convinced myself, after the fleeting thoughts of - dun dun duuuuuun! - marriage crossed my mind, that I'm of the Marriage-Obsessed type. But you know what? I'm NOT. I'm not insane. I'm really looking forward to a marriage, don't get me wrong. All those presents at the wedding!?! Sweet! But just because it's in my brain now doesn't mean it's running the show. Yay! I've discovered I'm not crazy.

Thanks for listening, doc. How much do I owe you?


JessiferSeabs said...

I haven't even finished reading this post and I feel compelled to comment. Sweetheart, you are not crazy, you are human. And you do have a biological clock. And your own needs. and the RIGHT to kno where your relationships are going -- don't make somebody, anybody, make you feel crazy for wanting to know that. it is your life, and you deserve to have all the facts so that you can move forward however best suits YOU and YOUR LIFE.

Big hugs. Not easy conversations to have, and I"m having them right now too. it sucks, but sometimes it is awesome, but in the end, it is just HONEST.

Email me anytime. If you need to talk to a big sister type who isn't actually related to you, I'm here. ;-)


Pharon Square said...

Thanks Jess! No, not easy conversations to have, but at least Geo LIKES airing things out! He read my blog and was like "You are NOT insane...seriously. Let's chat about this."

It's so crazy to have to come to terms with grown up wants. The concept of marriage always scared the bejezus out of me, so I had nearly convinced myself I had a brain tumor and that's why I had started really rolling the idea around in my head in the first place.

Quick note, by the way. This post was in no way, shape or form intended to make a certain bf look like a guy who thinks I'm crazy for talking about our future. In fact, he MAKES me talk about it so I stop going crazy in my own head. How rude...

Anonymous said...

I thought I was reading an episode of Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex in the City! Don't know how many articles she wrote about her relationships that sounded a lot like that!

Best to say it outloud (but not too loud) than second guess what he is thinking! Controls the crazy thoughts!

Although I just laughed out LOUD when I wrote that - after 30 plus years of marriage I still expect my husband to read my mind and figure out what I want!

Anonymous said...

I just noticed you put a metatag label on this column that said "estrogen". Are we talking about a PMS episode here?
You can always blame it on that!