Dear Crabby

What's up, party people? Are you ready to all advice-y up in here? If not, I suggest you GET READY because blogging consultations wait for no one. NO ONE, I TELL YOU! Okay, let's get started.

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend is getting out of rehab this weekend. I'm SUPER excited! I haven't seen him for a month, and it's going to be great! I'm a little nervous, though, because none of my friends really like him very much after he kind of went berserk on them before he left. But I REAAALLLY want them all to get along. Any advice for how I can make that happen this weekend?

Thanks!
Wants BF to be F's with my BFF's

Uh, HEY, WBFTBFWMBFF,

I don't know how to break this to you, but...yeah, it's probably not going to go very well. If he was a huge jerk to your friends, your best bet is to tread verrrrry lightly. Keep 'em separated for awhile. It's great that he went and got some help (unless he was, um, encouraged to go to rehab by his parents, or a judge, or the police, or something), but that doesn't immediately erase his bad behavior. Especially towards your friends. I get that you're stoked to see him, but you'd be wise to enjoy his sober company by yourself for a little while. Let your friends slowly get used to seeing a (hopefully) different guy who isn't the same guy who threw up on their faces and then punched their dog or whatever. It's going to be uncomfortable for everyone, and he's probably not the most excited person on the planet to hang out with people he may have hurt...at least right away. Take a deep breath, WBFTBFWMBFF, and just chill. Keep it light and simple and definitely don't try and smooth over uncomfortable situations with tequila. That's just poor form. Good luck, lady, you're going to need it.

Dear Crabby,

Hey, what's up? I have a quick question. I'm thinking of proposing to my girlfriend soon, and I am sick of all the dumb cliche ways people think I should do it. I've been told to do it at a restaurant, at her work, at a baseball game! I think they're all dumb ideas, but I'm really uncreative. I want it to be nice and fun and just like a happy thing. Nothing huge, but still significant. You know what I mean? Any ideas?

-Ball who Needs Chain

Dear Ball,

First, congrats on the big decision! Sounds exciting! But man, the PRESSURE! Yikes, I don't envy you, Ball, because these days proposals can be preeeeeetty cheesy. And when you tell your kids about the proposal (assuming she says YES, by the way. She could totally say "no". Have you thought about that part yet? Because YIKES, that would be embarrassing) you don't want to sound like a shmo. Unless you are ON a baseball team - a PROFESSIONAL baseball team - I'd stay away from anything involving a jumbotron. And, uh, maybe don't hide the ring in anything edible or drinkable. That just invites disaster and she might not want to wear the ring if it's traveled through her intestines. Hmm. Let's see. Do you have access to a blimp? Or a sky writer? Or Banksy? 'Cause utilizing any of those things would be pretty bomb. Assuming you don't have any of those things, I say KISS. As in "Keep It Simple, Stupid". Think of her, and where you think she'd like to be when she agrees to the merging of assets. Does she like art? Do it at a sculpture garden. Does she have to travel a lot? Airport proposals are always sweet. If you want to like REALLY surprise her, maybe hack into her Facebook account and switch her status to "ENGAGED". All her friends will know before she does, so that's surprising. Or, I guess you could do what the skeezy guy at Jimmy John's used to do to me every time I'd go in for a Veggie Sub (no mayo). "You want this sandwich? Well I want you to marry me! Wanna trade?" Whatever you do, Ball, just make it something that makes sense for your relationship. Keep that in mind, and you can't go wrong! Unless, again, she says no. She probably won't, though. Maybe. I mean, she could, but I doubt it. Probably. Uh, good luck, Ball! Let us all know how it goes!!!

Dear Crabby,

My Roth IRA has been taking a beating with the volatility of this market and I am looking for viable alternative investment ideas. Would you recommend a gold ETF or should I get a little risky with a small cap growth biotech stock? Do you think I could capitalize on day to day shifts by exploring puts/calls?

Thanks,
Investor Jester

Dear Investor Jester,

............................yes?

Well, that was lovely. I feel like I really helped people today. Yay! Got a question? Send it in to be answered next week to pharonsquare@gmail.com. Say word.