Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Reason 5: I've Always Wanted Groupies

I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past couple days. I think I'm ready to make a fairly substantial purchase. Now, I know you're thinking, "Pharon, shouldn't you be focused on saving money like an adult instead of spending it all willy-nilly? What would Dave Ramsey think!?" But I assure you, this is a very grown-up and sensible decision.

I'm going to buy a tour bus, I think.

Yup. Tour Bus. All for me. I NEED it. And here's why...

One? I hate driving in the winter. Even though my little Subaru is a beast of an all-wheel-driver, I still hate slipping and sliding on Minnesota roads, and I'd really rather someone else just drive me around. Cabs are insane and limos are cliche, so unless YOU [gestures obnoxiously towards your face] want to drive me around the Bruegger's Bagel building every Saturday morning so I can get a nice, giant whiff of bagel-y nomness, I'm going to go ahead and need a tour bus.

The second very reasonable reason for wanting a tour bus is that I once saw an episode of Hannah Montana (with my niece, duh! And again later by myself) where she's on her tour bus, and that place just looked amazing. There was a staircase, a virtual snowboarding video game and all kinds of cool stuff. I really need a place that's slightly larger than my apartment so I can get/store all those things. Oh, and years ago when I saw Spice World (that killer movie about the Spice Girls), their tour bus is basically a mansion on wheels. I mean, take off that crappy Union Jack paint job and switch it for a Kate Spade green and we are in business.

Tour buses are apparently big enough for a person to, like, LIVE in but you can also DRIVE AROUND. Listen, if there is a way to nap, watch TV or Just Dance my way through rush hour, you'd have to be an idiot not to want it. Tour buses are built for that kind of thing. As far as I can tell, there is some driver tasked with operating the rig while you get to whatever the frock you want in your giant penthouse without having to worry one tiny bit about the terrible driver in front of you swerving and holding everyone up (and then getting incredibly annoyed and disappointed to learn that said terrible driver is undoubtedly a woman - GET IT TOGETHER, LADY DRIVERS!) It's just a smooth ride from point A to point B, but the main perk is that instead of driving, I can be writing a song or whatever it is that people with tour buses do.

Also, I have been led to believe that tour buses are great places to throw parties.

I mean, I can't NOT get a tour bus, right?! I'm pretty sure even the most conservative financial planner and biggest hater would agree, based on the above-mentioned points, that I need a tour bus. I can pretty much guarantee the Spice Girls are not using theirs right now.

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