Sunday, February 17, 2013

Seven Up (Pharon Square Edition)

I had a mayjah headache this morning. Did it have anything to do with the keg of light beer I drank last night at Kim's birthday last night at a dueling piano bar? Perhaps. Let's not split hairs, though. At any rate, I spent the day recovering by watching an entire series of this British documentary called Up (first ep is called Seven Up). Here's the gist: back in 1964, these people were all "Let's make the world's first reality show. We'll film a bunch of 7-year-old British kids from a variety of backgrounds. Then, every seven years, we'll meet back up with them to see what's new in their lives. THRILLING." Turns out? It was very thrilling. So thrilling, in fact, that I watched the entire series in less than 24 hours. It starts in black-and-white and evolves as technology (and fashion) evolves. By the last episode, it is basically indistinguishable from modern reality shows. It was full of twists, turns, dramas, marriages, kids, divorces and one guy who may or may not be schizophrenic. It is AWESOME and I highly recommend you check it out on Netflix posthaste.

It got me thinking. I wish I had had a thick documentary-style video library of my upbringing. In retrospect, I know that it was a darn good one, but I was a pest. I had a desperate need for attention. My voice was like adorably small nails on a very hilarious chalkboard. At least, that's how I remember it. Let's take a look back, shall we?

7 Years Old: When we first meet Pharon, she has an aggressive bowl cut and is obsessed with the social life of her older sister, Padrin. She is desperate for attention and wants to be discovered as a child model at the mall. For the past 3 summers or so, Pharon has been wearing this little shorts/collared shirt number with Blondie comic newsprint pattern all over it. Apparently, she hasn't grown in quite awhile. Anyways, her best friend Claire lives next door. They play Barbies and Restaurant and House. Pharon is very bossy over Claire, perhaps because she gets bossed around on a daily basis by her two older sisters and older brother. When her mother makes her clean her frighteningly messy room, Pharon makes Claire do it while she eats peanut butter and fluff sandwiches on her bed. When she listens to music, it is probably all Disney songs. She has no interest in boys, other than her desire to be included in their group as a token tomboy. She quit swim team because a particular boy she may have liked was on her team and she couldn't handle the pressure of being a bad swimmer in front of him. I'm pretty sure she wants to be either a professional soccer player or a TV star when she grows up.

14 Years Old: Holy adolescence, Batman. Pharon is unruly. She has fallen desperately in love with boys and has perfected the skill of writing notes and folding them into clever shapes, which she would tuck in the lockers of the boy she liked. Her mousy brown hair is growing out quite nicely, but you can barely see beyond her zits and enormous glasses to notice. She is still roughly the same height, has bones sticking out of her freakishly skinny body and enjoys wearing body suits purchased at The Limited Too. She is surprisingly well-rounded and she plays soccer and the flute. How cultural and very European of her. This year, she developed her love of writing after realizing she was pretty good at it. She listens obsessively to Garth Brooks, for some ridiculous reason, and has an insane (and confusing) crush on Harry Connick Jr. When we last checked, Pharon wanted to be model.

21 Years Old: Pharon is in college and goes to a liberal arts school where she majors in English, to the surprise of no one. She is still desperate for attention, but has learned to get it by writing strong essays and piercing her eyebrow. Her love of boys has taken a back seat to her love hanging out with friends, eating Pokey Stix at 3 a.m. and finding new ways to write about Jagermeister in poetry class by likening the dark evil liquor to government or shoes or something. Pharon listens to NSYNC and boy bands and tries to convince herself she has good taste in music. She insists on wearing pleather pants for some reason, which are far less comfortable than you could ever imagine. Upon graduation, Pharon plans on getting a job immediately and being a famous writer by 25.

28 Years Old: Pharon is not a famous writer. Not yet, anyway. She's worked loosely in publishing at a company where she feels underpaid and unappreciated. In her spare time, Pharon likes to sell her belongings on craigslist and hang out with the boys with whom she lives after a serious mouse-related trauma a couple years prior. All her hobbies went out the window once they got cable and she started living with some guy named Geo. Her taste in music has improved considerably and she has a working knowledge of every relationship in the hip hop community, as well as a new-found respect for Britney Spears and the Pixies. Because of her ever-changing body, Pharon has 100 pairs of jeans and nearly as many pairs of sky-high heels. She would love to get a job that involves writing, but is fairly certain such a job does not exist. She has decided to start something called a blog, with which she hopes to change the world.

What will happen in the next seven years? Will cars fly? Will our thoughts be controlled by Apple products? And, most importantly, what will Pharon be listening to and wearing?! I guess we'll have to wait to find out.


sarah ABT said...

married with two kids....

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