SOLD

This message is for everyone who thinks gyms are sooooooooo great. You all may not exactly want to start your work in marketing for the gym anytime soon because each of you has failed me in trying to encourage me to go. (With the exception of my workout pal Chandra, who is also engaged and has repeatedly coaxed me into the gym with promises of pre-class discussions about wedding planning.) Other than that, people are just the worst at "selling" the idea of going to the gym to me in an effective way.

First off all, people will say "It feels great to workout when it's so cold outside!" You know what ELSE feels great? Laying in my bed in fleece and drinking tea. No sale.

Sometimes, people will say "The classes are soooo fun! The music totally pumps you up!" Um, I have this little thing called iTunes that has even  better music, and I can listen to it while reading wedding magazines and fun blogs. No sale.

People who don't realize I'm a one-man woman try the "But so many cute guys are there!" route, but ain't nothing less appealing than going to a place with hot guys, while I'm wearing baggy pants and dirty tees only to work up such an aggressive forehead sweat that strangers fight the urge to hose me off. Definitely no sale.

"But Pharon, exercising relieves stress and releases endorphins!" Snooze. Bored. Sounds like science, and hipster science at that. No sale.

Now that we are fewer than 6 months away from the wedding, people have said "Hey fatty, go to the gym so you're not a fatty in 6 months." This one only KIND of worked on me in that it puts this into a deadline scenario. Deadlines kick my butt into gear, so that worked for a few weeks before the goal went back into an abstract fantasy, obscured by more pressing deadlines like booking photographers and not punching myself in the face. Sale pending.

Seriously. None of these really made an impact on me. Not a long-lasting impact, at least. But tonight, I went to the gym because I was like "Fine. I'm stressed and feeling crappy after eating such massive amounts of amazing food all week so I'll go to the stupid gym and see what's what." For the first time in forever, there was no class I wanted to go to, so I was like "I'll try one of those stationary walkway machines...what are they called? Treadmills?" I never go to that area of the gym because I make a beeline for Studio A, B, C or (almost never) D and I was a little deflated knowing that I'd just be walking/running in place while trying to read a magazine.

Hey, dummies. Every single treadmill, stair climber, elliptical machine and bike has a freakin' TV on it that you can control and watch cable on. TVs, PEOPLE. INDIVIDUAL TVs. How did you gym rats know this and never use THAT as a selling point!? THAT'S what is going to get me to the gym. GUH!

Public Service Announcement: Gyms have machines with TVs in them, so instead of skipping the gym to watch Happy Endings, you can do BOTH. YOU'RE WELCOME.