Return Policy

Returning clothes is probably the worst thing ever. I mean, you should be able to be like "Well, this garment didn't meet my standards," and have that be that. But no. That is NOT that. Instead, you have to go through a billion questions:

"Did you pay for this with a card or with cash?"
"Is there something wrong with it?"
"Is there something wrong with you?"

It's very intrusive! And still, these register people are acting like you are murdering their unborn children when you are all "I need to return this."

Returning things should not be an issue. But I HATE returning things. And today I had to return a pair of jeans that had the world's most painful scratchy plastic thing that was sewn into the thigh seam. I had a few problems, though:
1) I had worn the jeans
2) I had lost the receipt for the jeans
3) I had torn the tag out of the jeans

So, I needed to get ready for a battle if I wanted to return the hellish jeans. Here's how you prepare to make a questionable return.

The first thing you need to do is put on relatively clean clothes that make it look like you are not a homeless person. Pile on a bunch of jewelry so that you don't look like you're the kind of person who would try to return worn clothes unless absolutely necessary.

When you are putting your To Be Returned Clothes in a bag, always remember to put them in a bag that is one level nicer than where you are going. Returning to Gap? Slap 'em in a Banana Republic bag. Making a return to Walmart? Go ahead and toss those garments in a spare garbage bag you find on the floor of the movie theater.

Once you have your fancy clothes on and fancy bags together, go ahead and stroll confidently into the mall for your return.

Approach the register person with confidence. "I have this terrible pair of jeans that has given me a scabies-level rash on my leg."

Fight the urge to elaborate. Then, inevitably, elaborate:

"Yes, I know that you can't find the tag, but I cut the tag out because I thought that's what was itchy, but it wasn't. I emailed your corporate offices to find out if this return was legit, considering I had cut out the tag and worn these jeans, and they assured me that a brief convo with a level-headed store manager would fix everything. I'm so sorry about this, I feel just terrible for finding these pants unsatisfactory. I shop here ALL the time and even worked in this store in high school, so I totally know that returning worn clothes is really not cool, and I'm not the kind of person who would normally do this and I'm really not trying to get away with anything, I just can't wear the jeans because they are the worst things on the planet. I'm so sorry. "

After you're finished with your monologue, start sweating while the girl looks at the pants, then back at you. Then at the pants, then back at you. Pants, you. Pants, you.

Here's where I would normally break down in tears in and yelp, "Argh! I just can't stand these damn jeans! They itch so bad that I tried to gnaw my leg off at the thigh! Please give me my money back!" But do not do this. Play it cool.

If you are faced with a doubtful register girl who is all "Hm, I can't find the receipt in the register. Are you SURE you bought them on this card within the past x days?!" Do not say: "Yes, I'm sure because I have no other card because I don't have enough MONEY to have another card or to carry cash and I bought them on that day because I was in Madison and wanted to show off for my friends by buying jeans I didn't even try on. GUH!" Instead, just say "Yes, I'm sure." Then let them do the work.

When all is said and done, you'll walk out of the store with your money back and your defective jeans tossed in a pile to be returned to the corporate offices. It will not have been easy, but it will have been worth it.