Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Dear Crabby

Obligatory temperature update: It's officially hotter inside my house than it is outside now. What's going on? It's 90 inside, and 89 outside. I know that one degree shouldn't make a difference, but it does. So, I'm comin' atcha from the front porch. It's breezy and dark and juuuuuuuust nice enough to take me from beyotchy to crabby. With that said, here are tonight's Dear Crabby questions!!

Dear Crabby,

I know this sounds weird, but I have a bully...AT WORK. She's always putting me down in front of our co-workers and takes jabs at me in meetings, and just generally doesn't hide her hatred of me. I have literally NO IDEA what her problem is with me. We hardly work together, and when we do, I'm courteous, nice, efficient, and accurate. What gives? What can I do to get her off my back?

Thanks, Crabby!
-Bullied in Brooklyn Park

Dear Bullied in Brooklyn Park,

UGH! Don't you just HATE the Office Bully? They're the worst. I've met a few in my day, and usually I just try and steer clear altogether. However, when you need to work WITH them, like it sounds like you do, it's tougher. Here's the way I see it: If they are going to sink to such childish levels, why can't you? Fill the office coffee pot with laxatives. Sure, the whole office could be affected, but it'll make him/her focus on their not-so-dependable bowels instead of you. Just make sure you bring your own coffee to work. Or stick some thumbtacks in their chair. Or just, you know, speak up when he/she calls you out. You can stand up for yourself in meetings, or just whenever he/she tries to call you out. If you're doing your job well, and you give yourself some credit, you are your best advocate. Just speak up. Oh, and also? Maybe just like always correct his/her grammar in front of people. You'll sound rude, for sure, but you'll also make him/her sound silly. Do any of these things or just, I don't know, quit and work somewhere with a more supportive group of coworkers.

Dear Crabby,

Did you hear J. Lo and Skeletor Marc Anthony broke up? What do you think happened? If those kids can't make it, what chance do I have in making a relationship work?

Take Care,
Amy From the Block

Dear Amy From the Block,

First off, you have the exact same chance of making a relationship work that you had last week. J. Lo and Marc Anthony are both crazy big superstars. Unless you appear regularly on TMZ, you have nothing to worry about. Normal people (Read: Not Famous) are infinitely better adjusted to real life than celebrities. So, don't worry about that. Secondly, what do I think happened? I think J. Lo's head got a little too big after American Idol and she probably started demanding that Mr. Lo do things like spit-shine her bedazzled shoes. Not having any of that, he obvs started being all "Hey, I'm an internationally known star. I've got fans, lady. I'll start making better use of my groupies and my dressing room." Needless to say, I'm sure $hit hit the fan, and one of them had to give in. Blah blah blah, irreconcilable differences, blah blah blah, broken home. See? This is why famous people should never marry another famous person. They go around getting married and having babies just to stay relevant. It's such a shame. Won't someone think of the (illegitimate) children?!

Dear Crabby,

I just got these incredibly cute pair of heels with a sick discount from a sample sale. They're not quite my size, but I thought I'd make 'em work anyway. But the fact is, they're too small. What can I do? Do I sell them?? Keep them and never wear them? HELP!

Thank you!!
Biggest Fan EVER!

Dear Biggest Fan EVER!,

It's always really awesome to hear from a fan, biggest one or not. Thanks for your support! My answer to your question is simple: Get Over It. Shoes can hurt. Are they just BARELY too small? Like one or two sizes too small? Build a bridge, lady, and get over it. You'll probably look hot. If you just can't stand the pain of fashion, though, wear them on occasions when you'll be sitting down a lot. Then people can SEE them, but you don't have to bust out the Dr. Scholl's just yet. Something I like to do is wear my favoritest, most uncomfortable shoes to, say, the grocery store. I call it "breaking them in". Wearing uncomfortable shoes in a casual setting takes the proverbial pressure off, and lets you just enjoy your sexy stems. If all else fails, though, wear them to a place with an open bar, or half-price wine night. You'll be too tipsy to care about your tootsies then. But if you LOVE them, and they were a STEAL, do NOT SELL THEM. Keep them. If YOU can't wear them, save them for a deserving niece or best friend who will appreciate them like you do. Oh, and if you DO wear them out, invest in a foot bath to come home to. Then you can soak your frazzled feet after dazzling everyone with your impeccable style.

Alright, guys. That does it for another week. I'm sweating and exhausted. These were awesome questions tonight! Thanks to those who submitted, and those who DIDN'T?! FOR SHAME. Next time, work this email address into your life: I swear I'll help you. Or, well, it's entirely possible I'll make things worse. But it's probably like 50/50. Care to take a chance??

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