Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Dear Crabby

Okay, so this morning, I realized I had put my underwear on inside out. That's how my day started. When I got home, I went through and cleaned my linen closet and underneath my bed, and ended up with FOUR BAGS of trash. That's how my day ended. Clearly, I need help. But today is not about MY issues, it's about YOUR issues. Let's do this...

Dear Crabby,

So, my OCD is going crazy lately. I've spent hours after work cleaning my house and I end up missing out on hanging out with friends. I'm not like crazy OCD, I'm just wanting my house clean is all. I don't wash my hands a hundred times or tap the light switch 48 times before I can leave the house, but I've just been obsessing about making sure my place is clean and tidy lately. What do think is wrong with me? What's my problem??

Thank you!
-Overly Clean Diva

Dear OCD,

What do I think is wrong with you? Uh, I'm pretty sure you're insane stressed or anxious about something totally unrelated to the shine of your wood floors. And what a coincidence that your cleaning is excusing you from social situations! Call me crazy (that'd make you the pot calling me black, though), but I think you're avoiding them, OCD. What's up with that? Is your B.O. really bad or something? Are you stressed at work? Unsatisfied with your luvahhh or something? I don't know, but whatever the ish (issue, duh) is, you better fix that or you'll end up curled in a ball in your pristine house afraid of the sunlight. Get out there, lady!

Dear Crabby,

I have a huuuuuge presentation coming up at work, and I. Am. Freaked! It's for all the partners and VPs and my bosses, along with a few of my fellow agents. I've never had to do anything like this before, and I'm so nervous that I'm going to mess it up and get fired or something. I'm really prepared with the material, but I'm afraid my nerves will get the best of me. What can I do to stop spazzing and impress my bosses??

Presentation Hesitation

What's up, P.H.?

I do NOT envy you, girlfriend. I HATE standing up and speaking in front of people. I freeze up and can't say words. Having said that, there are a few sure fire things you can do to minimize and anxiety you may have. Wear a dark shirt. That'll remove the risk of showing any offending pit stains that could overshadow your genius presentation. Don't cake on the makeup, either. It'll just drip in your eyes and down your cheek and people will think you are melting and start to wonder if you are the Wicked Witch of the West or something. And even if you feel like you've got the material down, jot down some notes with some X-rated doodles in the margins. Then you can get a little laugh if you get lost. And do you think you could maybe get away with lacing some of their waters with tequila? That'd probably help them relax which could be awesome. Other than that, just try and chill and have some confidence in yourself. And remember this: You just have to get through it and then you can go home and cry and drink wine or whatever and it'll be fiiiiine! Good luck and knock their socks off!

Dear Crabby,

Um, I know this will sound bad, but is there such a thing as being too cute? I hear it from people all the time - "You're sooo cute!" "How did you get so cute?" "You're are even cuter than a dog hugging a rainbow!" It gets on my adorable nerves sometimes. What can I do?

-Cutie Pie

Cutie Pie? Let me be the first to tell you that there is nothing LESS cute than someone bragging about how cute they are. So, already you are on your way to being less cute. Congrats! But what ELSE can you do to get people stop calling you "cute"? I don't know. Stop showering. Get a mullet. Buy 30 cats. Develop a nasty habit of talking like Sylvester Stallone. Never stop talking about boogers. Eat bulbs of garlic. Ruin people's jokes. Tell long, boring stories that have no point. Wear ponchos and long men's basketball shorts. Start a Fight Club. ANY of those things would make you markedly less cute. Or, you know, just keep talking about how annoying it is that people think you're sooooo cute. That could work too.

Good questions tonight, team! I think we definitely won this round. Same time next week? Okay! Send your biggest ish (yup, "issue" again) to and I'll work it out for you. Peace out, playas...

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