Dear 2011,
Listen, I don't know how to say this, but I'm over you. Our year-long relationship was great, but it's over. I'm sorry. I'm moving on.
I know, I know. We had some great times together. You introduced me to some great friends like Pinterest, my iPhone, Club Project, and my awesome new job. And you brought some really wonderful things to the table, like my nephew Alec and the niece I will meet in March. That trip I took to Alabama was great, and I had so much fun celebrating all the birthdays and happy hours you brought me to.
Haha, remember that time I went shopping for skinny jeans? That was hilarious.
But you were also pretty mean to me. I had to move, Geo moved to Alabama, and there was that one wretched night that resulted in a trip to Urgent Care because my toe was trying to kill me. It was just a lot for one girl to deal with.
Your lack of commitment was daunting as well. It's almost like you weren't focused on ME. You were all about helping other people. Not once did I win the lottery with you. I still don't have that teacup piglet I want so badly, either. Everyone and their mother got engaged or had a baby or bought a car with you, but not me! You totally left me out of everything.
You made empty promises of new houses and lost pounds, but nothing. And our relationship was just unhealthy. I got so fat while I was with you! And despite my best (read: absent) efforts, I am no closer to looking like Jennifer Aniston than I was at this time last year. Oh, and need I remind you of the two months I skipped shaving? WTF? You really held me back, 2011. I want more.
And I guess there's no easy to way to tell you this, but I've met someone. His name is 2012. It actually feels a lot like when I first met you. I'm hopeful and excited to be with him. He makes me think that anything is possible. I know a lot of people say he's bad news, and he's just going to dump me because of that stupid Mayan calendar thing, but I'm optimistic.
Sure I might be a little nostalgic tonight, and I'll probably just spend the night drinking too much and texting people. But it's just right that we break up.
I hope you know I mean it when I say that I'll try and think of you fondly. I'll try to have only good things to say about you if anyone ever asks. But beyond that, I just think it would be best to never speak to each other again. You go your way, I'll go mine. Let's try and not look at this as the End of something, 2011. Let's instead focus on moving forward. You know, new beginnings.
Good luck to you, and thanks for all the good times, 2011. I don't know who it was who said this, but it seems pretty relevant in this case: Auld lang syne, 2011. Auld lang syne.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
A Commercial Success
You know those horrible commercials where Sarah McLachlan sings about dogs with one eye or cats who lost all their fur or whatever? The overly-obvious point of the commercial is to make people feel sad and weep at the sad music while viewing pictures of adorable abandoned critters. It's like a thinly-veiled attempt to recreate that creepy scene in A Clockwork Orange. You know, when they pry that dudes eyes open and brainwash him in the hopes of making him a better youth?
Sorry, Lady McLachlan, but it's having the opposite effect on me. First, the commercials are too long. I'm a busy gal, ASPCA. I don't have time to watch 30-minute commercials (unless it's about the Forever Lazy), and therefore I obvs don't have time for a pet who clearly needs lots of love.
Second, the drippy, gooeyness of the commercial is a little too...uh...pandering. I'm no idiot. I know you're trying to sell me a needy pet, and I'm not buyin'. This, in and of itself, is a major fail. Need I remind you that I am the same girl who buys Smart Water solely because Jennifer Aniston drinks it?
Anyway, the ASPCA needs to take a lesson from Google. Why? I'm glad you asked. I hereby declare that Google has The Most Emotionally Effective Commercials Ever. You know the one where the new dad sets up an email account for his new baby, and writes her emails all the time, which she supposedly reads when she gets older? That one gets me every single time.
Then just now, I saw a new Google commercial. It's just clips of computer screens. People are searching and clicking their way into new beginnings. You see someone has purchased a one-way ticket, people learning new things, googling ways to be a better dad, a friend emailing an apology, and someone starting to write a new book by typing simply "Chapter 1".
There is no sappy music. No pathetic narrator. Just some chirpy happy music, and YouTube clips of people saying things like "You can do it," or "We can save the world." And after the commercial, I'm all misty-eyed and I feel like 'You know what?! I CAN save the world! And I WILL be a better dad from now on!"
THAT'S a response, dudes. It's like the time I saw one of those "Farewell to Wimbledon" montages after the tournament ends. They show clips of agony and defeat balanced against joy and triumph. When I saw that like 10 years ago, I sobbed uncontrollably. "They tasted victorrrrrry! But couldn't beat their biggest competition...themselllllllvvvvessss! Waaaaaahhh!"
Anyway, that's how I feel about commercials. I'm sure you'll want to write about this in your diary tonight.
Side Note: I will be posting a SPECIAL EDITION blog sometime this weekend. I make no promises when it will be, but I had plans to write a very awesome blog about the end of 2011, but obvs had to bump it for this super important topic on commercials. It'll probably only be relevant until Sunday, so prepare yourselves for a special weekend post! Go ahead, add that to your diary as well...
Sorry, Lady McLachlan, but it's having the opposite effect on me. First, the commercials are too long. I'm a busy gal, ASPCA. I don't have time to watch 30-minute commercials (unless it's about the Forever Lazy), and therefore I obvs don't have time for a pet who clearly needs lots of love.
Second, the drippy, gooeyness of the commercial is a little too...uh...pandering. I'm no idiot. I know you're trying to sell me a needy pet, and I'm not buyin'. This, in and of itself, is a major fail. Need I remind you that I am the same girl who buys Smart Water solely because Jennifer Aniston drinks it?
Anyway, the ASPCA needs to take a lesson from Google. Why? I'm glad you asked. I hereby declare that Google has The Most Emotionally Effective Commercials Ever. You know the one where the new dad sets up an email account for his new baby, and writes her emails all the time, which she supposedly reads when she gets older? That one gets me every single time.
Then just now, I saw a new Google commercial. It's just clips of computer screens. People are searching and clicking their way into new beginnings. You see someone has purchased a one-way ticket, people learning new things, googling ways to be a better dad, a friend emailing an apology, and someone starting to write a new book by typing simply "Chapter 1".
There is no sappy music. No pathetic narrator. Just some chirpy happy music, and YouTube clips of people saying things like "You can do it," or "We can save the world." And after the commercial, I'm all misty-eyed and I feel like 'You know what?! I CAN save the world! And I WILL be a better dad from now on!"
THAT'S a response, dudes. It's like the time I saw one of those "Farewell to Wimbledon" montages after the tournament ends. They show clips of agony and defeat balanced against joy and triumph. When I saw that like 10 years ago, I sobbed uncontrollably. "They tasted victorrrrrry! But couldn't beat their biggest competition...themselllllllvvvvessss! Waaaaaahhh!"
Anyway, that's how I feel about commercials. I'm sure you'll want to write about this in your diary tonight.
Side Note: I will be posting a SPECIAL EDITION blog sometime this weekend. I make no promises when it will be, but I had plans to write a very awesome blog about the end of 2011, but obvs had to bump it for this super important topic on commercials. It'll probably only be relevant until Sunday, so prepare yourselves for a special weekend post! Go ahead, add that to your diary as well...
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Dear Crabby
Sup dude?! So, I was all stressed and anxious today, and I responded to a text from Geo asking me a question and I said "I don't know. I just don't know. The one thing I DO know is that I'm going to dye my hair tonight." He didn't know what to do about that, and just went with it. So, I dyed my hair tonight. I had a fleeting thought in the hair color aisle, as I picked up the "Brown Black" color I was going for. In the back of my head, I heard my mom say "Don't EVER color your hair with anything even REMOTELY black again! No 'Ebony'. No 'Midnight'. Nothing referencing Medusa." But, I bought it anyway (sorry Mom!) and came home to dye my hair. Spoiler alert: Apparently, my hair is ALREADY "brown black" because there is no change in color. Dumb. Anyhoozle, let's move on to this week's questions!
Dear Crabby,
I know you've addressed Facebook etiquette before, but this is a little more specific. I have friend who is not a mother who shares EVERY LITTLE THING going on her life. Last week, she described - IN DETAIL - her latest, uh, bathroom event. She checks in everywhere, always is tagging people, and posts some of the most pointless status updates EVER! "Lost another sock in the wash. What is UP with that?!" Seriously, that's a real "status". That's not a STATUS, that's a brief, fleeting thought. I'm too good of friends with her to block her or hide her. Periodically, she'll address me specifically in a post, so I know she knows I'm there. What can I do? She's making me not want to check FB anymore!
Thanks for the help, lady!
-Wall of Shame
Hey Wall of Shame,
That's a touchy subject, yo. Clearly you are good enough friends with her that she references you on a frequent basis, but not good enough to pull her aside, buy her a shot and say "Hey, lay off posting the Worst Posts Ever on Facebook. You're ruining it and making me think seriously about cancelling my account." I say the next time she posts some lame-o comment, you fight fire with fire. If she loses a sock in the wash, you comment that you found hair in your drain. She talks about her bathroom habits? You comment with a very lengthy description of how blisters form and break. You'll become the star of HER Facebook page. Eventually people will tune in to her page to hear your comments, and then you've won. Make it a game. She'll either totally not get it, thereby giving you permission to keep doing it, or she'll get mad and you can be like "Sorry, dude! Just trying to spice up your posts a little!" It'll all work out. Or, just hack into her account and spam the crap out of people and her account will be deleted. Best of luck!
Dear Crabby,
I think I have a piece of glass stuck in my foot! I stepped on a broken glass like WEEKS ago, and my foot still hurts! What should I do?
With Sincere Gratitude,
Trouble's afoot
Hello TA,
First? I would not ask ME about anything involving feet. GROSS. My gut reaction would be to just chop your foot off now and call it a day. I guess, though, you're looking for a less horrific solution. Hmm...I asked Geo what he would do and he said "Scrape it with a tweezer or something until she can see the glass and then pull it out. If that doesn't work, leave it alone. Her body will probably reject it." I asked "And what if it doesn't?" And he said "I don't know, hopefully she's up-to-date on her shots, I guess." Helpful. I say: Go to the hospital. Run into the ER demanding help. Sure, they'll be mad, but they'll probably help ya out.
Dear Crabby,
My husband and I have been married for three years. We've lost the romance, obviously, but we're also just kind of like around each other, you know? I'm super crazed at work and have no time to spend trying to be all hot and crap. My husband just doesn't really try anything romantic anymore because he's busy too. Are we lame? What should we do? Do you think maybe he's cheating on me or something?
Thanks a lot, Crabby!
-Three Year Itch
Oh my dear, dear reader,
I have no clue if he's cheating on you, I'm sorry. Do you think he is? In your heart of hearts, do you believe he is? My best guess is that he's not. It sounds like you are just busy dudes, and the concept of long, romantic dinners followed by emotional chats by the fireplace bore the bejeebus out of you both. I don't know what to tell you. I DO know that you are by no means alone. I know loads of people who are going through the same thing. Also, I'm pretty sure there a bajillions of books focused on this exact subject, so I think I'd probably consult one of those experts if I were you. All I can tell you though, is that it sounds like everything is totally normal, if not ideal. Sorry! This is like, a REAL problem, and I have no REAL advice for you...good luck, though!
Well, cats and kittens, that ends another weekly installment of Dear Crabby. Think you know better? Meh, you probably do...but if you have some advice of your own, slap it in the comments. And don't forget! You can always email your own problemos to pharonsquare@gmail.com. I'll catch you on the flipside!
Dear Crabby,
I know you've addressed Facebook etiquette before, but this is a little more specific. I have friend who is not a mother who shares EVERY LITTLE THING going on her life. Last week, she described - IN DETAIL - her latest, uh, bathroom event. She checks in everywhere, always is tagging people, and posts some of the most pointless status updates EVER! "Lost another sock in the wash. What is UP with that?!" Seriously, that's a real "status". That's not a STATUS, that's a brief, fleeting thought. I'm too good of friends with her to block her or hide her. Periodically, she'll address me specifically in a post, so I know she knows I'm there. What can I do? She's making me not want to check FB anymore!
Thanks for the help, lady!
-Wall of Shame
Hey Wall of Shame,
That's a touchy subject, yo. Clearly you are good enough friends with her that she references you on a frequent basis, but not good enough to pull her aside, buy her a shot and say "Hey, lay off posting the Worst Posts Ever on Facebook. You're ruining it and making me think seriously about cancelling my account." I say the next time she posts some lame-o comment, you fight fire with fire. If she loses a sock in the wash, you comment that you found hair in your drain. She talks about her bathroom habits? You comment with a very lengthy description of how blisters form and break. You'll become the star of HER Facebook page. Eventually people will tune in to her page to hear your comments, and then you've won. Make it a game. She'll either totally not get it, thereby giving you permission to keep doing it, or she'll get mad and you can be like "Sorry, dude! Just trying to spice up your posts a little!" It'll all work out. Or, just hack into her account and spam the crap out of people and her account will be deleted. Best of luck!
Dear Crabby,
I think I have a piece of glass stuck in my foot! I stepped on a broken glass like WEEKS ago, and my foot still hurts! What should I do?
With Sincere Gratitude,
Trouble's afoot
Hello TA,
First? I would not ask ME about anything involving feet. GROSS. My gut reaction would be to just chop your foot off now and call it a day. I guess, though, you're looking for a less horrific solution. Hmm...I asked Geo what he would do and he said "Scrape it with a tweezer or something until she can see the glass and then pull it out. If that doesn't work, leave it alone. Her body will probably reject it." I asked "And what if it doesn't?" And he said "I don't know, hopefully she's up-to-date on her shots, I guess." Helpful. I say: Go to the hospital. Run into the ER demanding help. Sure, they'll be mad, but they'll probably help ya out.
Dear Crabby,
My husband and I have been married for three years. We've lost the romance, obviously, but we're also just kind of like around each other, you know? I'm super crazed at work and have no time to spend trying to be all hot and crap. My husband just doesn't really try anything romantic anymore because he's busy too. Are we lame? What should we do? Do you think maybe he's cheating on me or something?
Thanks a lot, Crabby!
-Three Year Itch
Oh my dear, dear reader,
I have no clue if he's cheating on you, I'm sorry. Do you think he is? In your heart of hearts, do you believe he is? My best guess is that he's not. It sounds like you are just busy dudes, and the concept of long, romantic dinners followed by emotional chats by the fireplace bore the bejeebus out of you both. I don't know what to tell you. I DO know that you are by no means alone. I know loads of people who are going through the same thing. Also, I'm pretty sure there a bajillions of books focused on this exact subject, so I think I'd probably consult one of those experts if I were you. All I can tell you though, is that it sounds like everything is totally normal, if not ideal. Sorry! This is like, a REAL problem, and I have no REAL advice for you...good luck, though!
Well, cats and kittens, that ends another weekly installment of Dear Crabby. Think you know better? Meh, you probably do...but if you have some advice of your own, slap it in the comments. And don't forget! You can always email your own problemos to pharonsquare@gmail.com. I'll catch you on the flipside!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
What's in the boooooxxxxxx?!
Dudes, I'm back! I took a much needed blogcation (what?) this weekend. Sorry if I left you hanging. Fear not! I'm back and I've spent several days with family, which restocked my material for my blogs. Pretty stoked about it.
Well, I had a positively wonderful Christmas. My family was incredible, we all had a great time, and it was really one of the best holidays ever. I got loads of awesome gifts, and everyone seemed to love what I got them. For those of you who are not friends of mine on Facebook, I will show you one of my favorite gifts:
That up there is a CRAFT CART! My parents gave it to me, along with all the stuff that goes in it. Ribbons and Modge Podge and paint brushes, oh my! It rules. I'm obsessed with it.
Okay, so moving on. Hey, everyone...guess what! Could you guys do me a solid and STOP FREAKIN' GETTING ENGAGED? In the past, oh, month or so, at least 10 (TEN!) people I know have done this. I've read all about it on Facebook, heard about it in emails, and have seen it written in the sky. Can I let you guys in on a secret, though?
It's annoying.
I mentioned this latest uptick in proposals very casually to Geo and he basically sets his arm on fire to get out of the conversation. And I've realized something.
You guys are making me crazy. Seriously. I've had a few moments to myself this weekend and I'll start thinking crazy thoughts. "Is it me?" "Do I really want to get married, or are all these a$$holes making me THINK I should be getting married just because they are?" and "Maybe I should brush my hair and train for a marathon." See? CRAZY THOUGHTS.
On Christmas night, I gave Geo his present. World's Biggest Duffle Bag from Patagonia. He'd been talking about for a week, and even emailed me a "Free 2-Day Shipping" thing from Patagonia. Needless to say, he knew what he was getting.
Then I got nervous. The only thing I told I him that I wanted was a pair of earrings I pinned on Pinterest. We discovered, however, that said earrings would set a dude back $5,400. I assumed I wasn't getting them. And I didn't.
But I was sitting on the couch and he handed me a Settlers of Catan game box. "I suck at wrapping, sorry. It's inside," he said. I opened the box and there was a jewelry box inside. A small one.
In that one breath where I truly, for the first time, thought he was going to propose, I found myself flummoxed. My heart literally skipped a beat and I threw up in my mouth...just a bit. Is this what I think it is? Am I excited about it? Am I supposed to cry or jump up and down? Why am I analyzing my emotions so much right now?!
He must have noticed something because too quickly he said "THEY'RE not the ones you wanted, but I think you'll like THEM." Inside, though, were some of the most gorgeous earrings ever. Diamonds! Silver! Just dangly enough! I loved them immediately.
So, yeah. Not a ring. Was it relief I felt? I don't know. But I do know I had a split second of relief to count myself as part of the jerkwads who were picking out linens and fonts and flowers. But relief? Is that really what happened? 'Cause that doesn't sound right.
That's when I decided that whatever emotional roller coaster I'm on is being driven by a bunch of Bridezillas, elopers and soon-to-be-Mr.-and-Mrs. crazy people.
Most of the Marrieds I know are happy. But many, many of the Engageds I know are no fun at ALL right now. Everything is "we" and they have bridal showers and cake eating and dress shopping crap to do. I'm too cranky, messy and clutzy to do ANY of those things yet. I know that. Geez.
Whatever happened in that hiccup of time was enough to leave me befuddled for weeks. I was SO excited, but all that other junk was, I don't know, a result of peer pressure maybe? I just said No to drugs, maybe this is another thing I need to say No to. That, or maybe I'll get hooked on the stuff the second try it.
I don't know. At this point, it's no man's land. I only know about 5 more people who aren't engaged, so I think this latest wave has passed. Let's hope so, because I'm really nervous that I'm going to just start defriending anyone else who takes the plunge. Do you want that to be you? I think not.
Okay, that's that. Wonderful Christmas, lovely family, momentary insanity. It's the trifecta...
Well, I had a positively wonderful Christmas. My family was incredible, we all had a great time, and it was really one of the best holidays ever. I got loads of awesome gifts, and everyone seemed to love what I got them. For those of you who are not friends of mine on Facebook, I will show you one of my favorite gifts:
That up there is a CRAFT CART! My parents gave it to me, along with all the stuff that goes in it. Ribbons and Modge Podge and paint brushes, oh my! It rules. I'm obsessed with it.
Okay, so moving on. Hey, everyone...guess what! Could you guys do me a solid and STOP FREAKIN' GETTING ENGAGED? In the past, oh, month or so, at least 10 (TEN!) people I know have done this. I've read all about it on Facebook, heard about it in emails, and have seen it written in the sky. Can I let you guys in on a secret, though?
It's annoying.
I mentioned this latest uptick in proposals very casually to Geo and he basically sets his arm on fire to get out of the conversation. And I've realized something.
You guys are making me crazy. Seriously. I've had a few moments to myself this weekend and I'll start thinking crazy thoughts. "Is it me?" "Do I really want to get married, or are all these a$$holes making me THINK I should be getting married just because they are?" and "Maybe I should brush my hair and train for a marathon." See? CRAZY THOUGHTS.
On Christmas night, I gave Geo his present. World's Biggest Duffle Bag from Patagonia. He'd been talking about for a week, and even emailed me a "Free 2-Day Shipping" thing from Patagonia. Needless to say, he knew what he was getting.
Then I got nervous. The only thing I told I him that I wanted was a pair of earrings I pinned on Pinterest. We discovered, however, that said earrings would set a dude back $5,400. I assumed I wasn't getting them. And I didn't.
But I was sitting on the couch and he handed me a Settlers of Catan game box. "I suck at wrapping, sorry. It's inside," he said. I opened the box and there was a jewelry box inside. A small one.
In that one breath where I truly, for the first time, thought he was going to propose, I found myself flummoxed. My heart literally skipped a beat and I threw up in my mouth...just a bit. Is this what I think it is? Am I excited about it? Am I supposed to cry or jump up and down? Why am I analyzing my emotions so much right now?!
He must have noticed something because too quickly he said "THEY'RE not the ones you wanted, but I think you'll like THEM." Inside, though, were some of the most gorgeous earrings ever. Diamonds! Silver! Just dangly enough! I loved them immediately.
So, yeah. Not a ring. Was it relief I felt? I don't know. But I do know I had a split second of relief to count myself as part of the jerkwads who were picking out linens and fonts and flowers. But relief? Is that really what happened? 'Cause that doesn't sound right.
That's when I decided that whatever emotional roller coaster I'm on is being driven by a bunch of Bridezillas, elopers and soon-to-be-Mr.-and-Mrs. crazy people.
Most of the Marrieds I know are happy. But many, many of the Engageds I know are no fun at ALL right now. Everything is "we" and they have bridal showers and cake eating and dress shopping crap to do. I'm too cranky, messy and clutzy to do ANY of those things yet. I know that. Geez.
Whatever happened in that hiccup of time was enough to leave me befuddled for weeks. I was SO excited, but all that other junk was, I don't know, a result of peer pressure maybe? I just said No to drugs, maybe this is another thing I need to say No to. That, or maybe I'll get hooked on the stuff the second try it.
I don't know. At this point, it's no man's land. I only know about 5 more people who aren't engaged, so I think this latest wave has passed. Let's hope so, because I'm really nervous that I'm going to just start defriending anyone else who takes the plunge. Do you want that to be you? I think not.
Okay, that's that. Wonderful Christmas, lovely family, momentary insanity. It's the trifecta...
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Ho Ho Ho-lla!
Fa la la la la la, Squares! You guys ready for Christmas? Or are you already in the midst of your Hanukkah celebrations? Or maybe you're just ready for weekend so you can do whatever it is you do on weekends? Whatever. Here in the Pharon Square household, we celebrate Jesus and Santa and reindeer and wrapping paper. In case you didn't see me post it on Facebook or Pinterest, here are the first three presents I've wrapped:
It took roughly four hours per gift, so I'm exhausted. I have seven presents either wrapped or purchased, so that's a start. I still have...hmm...let's see, one, two, three, four, fixsixseven, eight, nine...NINE GIFTS TO COMPLETE/BUY. I've got a LOT of work ahead of me this weekend.
Not that I'm complaining. I seriously LURVE finding gifts. I'm like one of Santa's elves. I certainly have the same stature and tiny elf-feet.
Oh, hey! I know you won't get it delivered before Christmas, but you know what your best friend/girlfriend/sister/secret wife/boss would love?! Something from the Pharon Square Cafe Press store!! There's loads of cute junk in there! Just print off a picture of what you bought them, frame it in a $1 IKEA frame, and wrap that. Then give it to them when your friendly postal carrier delivers it. Spreading one gift over two days? It'll be like Christmas...SQUARED.
Well, I gotta get back to my wrapping. These gifts ain't going to elaborately decorate themselves!
I hope each one of you has a truly wonderful Christmas. I hope you're surrounded by friends and family and booze. Especially the booze. Just to warn you, I may take a couple nights away from blogging over the holiday weekend (consider it my gift to the haters). If you want a festive, fun post to read, go ahead and re-read last the awesome Christmas poem I wrote last year, mmmmmkay?
Make tons of merry, happy memories, okay? Love you guys!
It took roughly four hours per gift, so I'm exhausted. I have seven presents either wrapped or purchased, so that's a start. I still have...hmm...let's see, one, two, three, four, fixsixseven, eight, nine...NINE GIFTS TO COMPLETE/BUY. I've got a LOT of work ahead of me this weekend.
Not that I'm complaining. I seriously LURVE finding gifts. I'm like one of Santa's elves. I certainly have the same stature and tiny elf-feet.
Oh, hey! I know you won't get it delivered before Christmas, but you know what your best friend/girlfriend/sister/secret wife/boss would love?! Something from the Pharon Square Cafe Press store!! There's loads of cute junk in there! Just print off a picture of what you bought them, frame it in a $1 IKEA frame, and wrap that. Then give it to them when your friendly postal carrier delivers it. Spreading one gift over two days? It'll be like Christmas...SQUARED.
Well, I gotta get back to my wrapping. These gifts ain't going to elaborately decorate themselves!
I hope each one of you has a truly wonderful Christmas. I hope you're surrounded by friends and family and booze. Especially the booze. Just to warn you, I may take a couple nights away from blogging over the holiday weekend (consider it my gift to the haters). If you want a festive, fun post to read, go ahead and re-read last the awesome Christmas poem I wrote last year, mmmmmkay?
Make tons of merry, happy memories, okay? Love you guys!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Dear Crabby-Ho Ho Ho Edition
Hey there Grinches! I'm writing this on Geo's iPad so there may be typos. Strike that...there WILL be typos. Anyway, let's get down to some merry business!
Dear Crabby,
Hellllllp! I need a good gift idea for my mother-in-law! She is really sweet, but she always says she doesn't WANT anything. I don't want to show up for our first Christmas as a married couple empty handed! Any fool-proof ideas? We leave for her house on Friday, so I don't have much time! I know you'll have at least ONE trick up your sleeve.
Thank you,
One Maid a-Milking
Hey Maid,
Gift for the ol' MIL, eh? Let's see. How about something homemade? Cookies or something, you know? Oh wait. Unless you are a good baker, you may run the risk of giving the poor thing salmonella. Strike that. How about a shirt with a pic of her son screenprinted on it? Yay! What proud mamma WOULDNT want that? Ugh, you may not have enough time for that though. Okay, how about this: find an acorn. Dip it in peanut butter and feathers and then slap some words on it that you cut out of a magazine. When she asks you what it is, tell her you are pregnant. The gift of a grandchild trumps all. This would probably work best if you ARE pregnant, but if not, blame it on a false positive. Happy Holidays!
Dear Crabby,
I think my family hates my girlfriend. She's kind of abrasive and mean, which I'm used to, but my family hasn't really grown to love her like I do yet. I invited her to my family Christmas dinner, assuming she'd decline, but she actually accepted! My parents didn't seem too thrilled when I told them, and now I don't know what to do! How can I make peace on Earth-or at least peace in my parents' house for a few hours?
Felix navidad, Señorita!
One Drummer Drumming
Hey Drummer,
My suggestion? Virgin drinks for your lady, loaded egg nog for your parents. That is all.
Dear Crabby,
What's your favorite part of Christmas? Mine is spending time with family and friends. Oh, and I also love the smell of a Christmas tree! Oh, and Christmas movies!!! Anyway, what's yours?
Fa la la la la!!!
-Partridge in a Crazy Tree
Hi Crazy,
Glad to hear you love the holidays so much! I think you've got it covered when it comes to great things about Christmas. And then some. Anyway, my favorite part is probably the birth of Jesus and....oh wait, nope! My favorite part is actually the presents. Booyah!
And with that lovely seasonal sentiment, I must dash away to give billions of presents to billions of kids. Oops, no, that's not my job. I'm must dash away to the kitchen to eat 10 leftover cream cheese wontons. Next week, I'll be answering questions about New Years Eve and helping people recover from their disastrous Christmases when they drunkenly stumbled into the Christmas tree and called Grandma's new boyfriend a "cougar hunter". Ho Ho Ho-lla!!
Dear Crabby,
Hellllllp! I need a good gift idea for my mother-in-law! She is really sweet, but she always says she doesn't WANT anything. I don't want to show up for our first Christmas as a married couple empty handed! Any fool-proof ideas? We leave for her house on Friday, so I don't have much time! I know you'll have at least ONE trick up your sleeve.
Thank you,
One Maid a-Milking
Hey Maid,
Gift for the ol' MIL, eh? Let's see. How about something homemade? Cookies or something, you know? Oh wait. Unless you are a good baker, you may run the risk of giving the poor thing salmonella. Strike that. How about a shirt with a pic of her son screenprinted on it? Yay! What proud mamma WOULDNT want that? Ugh, you may not have enough time for that though. Okay, how about this: find an acorn. Dip it in peanut butter and feathers and then slap some words on it that you cut out of a magazine. When she asks you what it is, tell her you are pregnant. The gift of a grandchild trumps all. This would probably work best if you ARE pregnant, but if not, blame it on a false positive. Happy Holidays!
Dear Crabby,
I think my family hates my girlfriend. She's kind of abrasive and mean, which I'm used to, but my family hasn't really grown to love her like I do yet. I invited her to my family Christmas dinner, assuming she'd decline, but she actually accepted! My parents didn't seem too thrilled when I told them, and now I don't know what to do! How can I make peace on Earth-or at least peace in my parents' house for a few hours?
Felix navidad, Señorita!
One Drummer Drumming
Hey Drummer,
My suggestion? Virgin drinks for your lady, loaded egg nog for your parents. That is all.
Dear Crabby,
What's your favorite part of Christmas? Mine is spending time with family and friends. Oh, and I also love the smell of a Christmas tree! Oh, and Christmas movies!!! Anyway, what's yours?
Fa la la la la!!!
-Partridge in a Crazy Tree
Hi Crazy,
Glad to hear you love the holidays so much! I think you've got it covered when it comes to great things about Christmas. And then some. Anyway, my favorite part is probably the birth of Jesus and....oh wait, nope! My favorite part is actually the presents. Booyah!
And with that lovely seasonal sentiment, I must dash away to give billions of presents to billions of kids. Oops, no, that's not my job. I'm must dash away to the kitchen to eat 10 leftover cream cheese wontons. Next week, I'll be answering questions about New Years Eve and helping people recover from their disastrous Christmases when they drunkenly stumbled into the Christmas tree and called Grandma's new boyfriend a "cougar hunter". Ho Ho Ho-lla!!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Team Demon Baby
Out of all the movies playing in the theaters right now, Geo and I made the genius decision to see Twilight tonight. Truth be told, I suggested it. He and I have seen the other two, so I figured why not? Neither of the other two movies were good. Seriously. They were entertaining, to be sure, and Geo and I laughed and laughed and laughed all the way through them. What's that? They aren't supposed to be comedies? Whoops.
At any rate, we decide to see this movie because they other movies were either too late, too long, or too serious. Plus, I heard there's loads of gratuitous melodrama, and I'm all about that.
I won't give away too many spoilers. To be fair, if any of you care at all about this movie, you would have seen it already, so if you really are that crazy about the movie and don't want to hear any of the bloody details, you better stop reading.
And now...a Pharon Square production...A Review of Twilight: The Greatest Terrible Movie Ever
There's approximately 45 minutes of us just staring at crusty Kristin Stewart's sour face. Is she going to vurp (vomit+burp)? Is she suffering from a serious migraine? Is her Aunt Flo in town? Oh, no. She's just, uh, I think she's supposed to be happy? The range that girl has...
Anyway, she's "happy" because she's marrying a vampire.
Snooze your way through the wedding scene, because it lasts for 4 1/2 days. Cut to the juicy stuff. The honeymoon. Bow chicka bow wow! Oh, just more snarly-faced K-Stew? Relax, girlfriend! You're 18-years-old and married to a man who has no heartbeat and watches you while you sleep! What more could a girl ask for?!
Whoops. Look who's going to be the next star of Teen Mom! Looks like our fair heroine is preggers! What a miracle! The joys of motherhood...she's all glowy and happy. Just like a typical pregnant mortal.
Cue Edward's freak out: That "thing" inside of his betrothed is an evil demon spawn. It's growing at an incredible (for some reason). Maybe before he freaks out he should make sure it's not a food baby, because that happens to me all the time. Anyway, Edward's so conflicted, y'all! His wifey wants to keep the baby, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST, PEOPLE!?
Blah blah blah, lots happens. Werewolves are everywhere. Jacob is angry at Edward for sticking that devil bun in her oven, and everyone in the theater is mad at me. I'm laughing too hard, too loudly. Psht. Whatever. (Bonus insight to those of you who have seen the flick: E.J.? For a name? That was rich...)
Then there's just like 2 1/2 hours straight of us having to stare at the bony, malnourished, rotting-from-the-inside, pregnant K-Stew. She's seriously toe-up. She looks gross. Why do we have to keep looking at her? WE didn't marry her! GROSS. Oh, all K-Stew needs to do is drink blood to satiate the baby and keep it from eating her from the inside out? Cool! That TOTALLY doesn't make me want to puke.
Then comes the bloodbath. Birthin' vampires is a bloody business. Spoiler alert: There will be blood. Loads of blood. Blech.
Oh! There's one line - and out of context you may not understand my reaction, but whatevs - Edward the vampire is reading Jacob the werewolves mind (of course). I can only guess that Jacob peed on the baby or something because all of a sudden, all the wolves who wanted to eat that baby are all like "Oh no! We can't eat that baby NOW! Jacob claimed her!" The actual line is something like "Jacobpeed imprinted on her, so we have to leave her alone. That's our most absolute law. I laughed so hard I almost imprinted on myself.
So the movie mercifully ends. Geo and I start strolling out, our sides sore from laughing, and the movie usher dude is like YELLING at people: "Y'all! The movie ain't over! Don't leave, TWI-HARDS!" First of all, broseph? I'm no Twi-Hard. Second? Don't yell at me using terrible grammar. Still, we stand there, staring at the credits. Then comes some quick little stupid prologue scene that takes about 45 seconds and is so annoying and dumb I almost go all Werewolf on the usher guy. As we walked out I said loudly "That was horrible. I wish we wouldn't have had to stay for that crap." Bazinga, dude.
Anyway, it was trrrrrible. I mean, it was exactly what I expected, and I was thoroughly entertained. Probably not in the way the director WANTED me to be entertained, but still. Go see it if you haven't already. Or, well, maybe just don't turn the channel if it comes on cable in the next few months.
At any rate, we decide to see this movie because they other movies were either too late, too long, or too serious. Plus, I heard there's loads of gratuitous melodrama, and I'm all about that.
I won't give away too many spoilers. To be fair, if any of you care at all about this movie, you would have seen it already, so if you really are that crazy about the movie and don't want to hear any of the bloody details, you better stop reading.
And now...a Pharon Square production...A Review of Twilight: The Greatest Terrible Movie Ever
There's approximately 45 minutes of us just staring at crusty Kristin Stewart's sour face. Is she going to vurp (vomit+burp)? Is she suffering from a serious migraine? Is her Aunt Flo in town? Oh, no. She's just, uh, I think she's supposed to be happy? The range that girl has...
Anyway, she's "happy" because she's marrying a vampire.
Snooze your way through the wedding scene, because it lasts for 4 1/2 days. Cut to the juicy stuff. The honeymoon. Bow chicka bow wow! Oh, just more snarly-faced K-Stew? Relax, girlfriend! You're 18-years-old and married to a man who has no heartbeat and watches you while you sleep! What more could a girl ask for?!
Whoops. Look who's going to be the next star of Teen Mom! Looks like our fair heroine is preggers! What a miracle! The joys of motherhood...she's all glowy and happy. Just like a typical pregnant mortal.
Cue Edward's freak out: That "thing" inside of his betrothed is an evil demon spawn. It's growing at an incredible (for some reason). Maybe before he freaks out he should make sure it's not a food baby, because that happens to me all the time. Anyway, Edward's so conflicted, y'all! His wifey wants to keep the baby, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST, PEOPLE!?
Blah blah blah, lots happens. Werewolves are everywhere. Jacob is angry at Edward for sticking that devil bun in her oven, and everyone in the theater is mad at me. I'm laughing too hard, too loudly. Psht. Whatever. (Bonus insight to those of you who have seen the flick: E.J.? For a name? That was rich...)
Then there's just like 2 1/2 hours straight of us having to stare at the bony, malnourished, rotting-from-the-inside, pregnant K-Stew. She's seriously toe-up. She looks gross. Why do we have to keep looking at her? WE didn't marry her! GROSS. Oh, all K-Stew needs to do is drink blood to satiate the baby and keep it from eating her from the inside out? Cool! That TOTALLY doesn't make me want to puke.
Then comes the bloodbath. Birthin' vampires is a bloody business. Spoiler alert: There will be blood. Loads of blood. Blech.
Oh! There's one line - and out of context you may not understand my reaction, but whatevs - Edward the vampire is reading Jacob the werewolves mind (of course). I can only guess that Jacob peed on the baby or something because all of a sudden, all the wolves who wanted to eat that baby are all like "Oh no! We can't eat that baby NOW! Jacob claimed her!" The actual line is something like "Jacob
So the movie mercifully ends. Geo and I start strolling out, our sides sore from laughing, and the movie usher dude is like YELLING at people: "Y'all! The movie ain't over! Don't leave, TWI-HARDS!" First of all, broseph? I'm no Twi-Hard. Second? Don't yell at me using terrible grammar. Still, we stand there, staring at the credits. Then comes some quick little stupid prologue scene that takes about 45 seconds and is so annoying and dumb I almost go all Werewolf on the usher guy. As we walked out I said loudly "That was horrible. I wish we wouldn't have had to stay for that crap." Bazinga, dude.
Anyway, it was trrrrrible. I mean, it was exactly what I expected, and I was thoroughly entertained. Probably not in the way the director WANTED me to be entertained, but still. Go see it if you haven't already. Or, well, maybe just don't turn the channel if it comes on cable in the next few months.
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