Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Listless

Okay, so last weekend, I was hanging out at my parents' house discussing the finer points of wedding favors when their phone rang. I looked at the number and my mom said "It's a telemarketer, don't answer it." Instead of discouraging me, this tidbit of information only piqued my curiosity. I answered the phone and sure enough, "Hi ma'am. I'm calling on behalf of adkgjkhgowpeugt and am wondering if you have a minute to discuss..."

My mom and sister stared at me when I just screamed out "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs and hung up the phone before the caller could finish his pitch.

They were all "Uh, what was that? Why did you scream?" And I said "Because I like to do and say super weird things when a-holes have the nerve to call me without my permission. It makes it more amusing to be telemarketed (it's a word) instead of simply being the most obnoxious thing in the world."

For example, a couple weeks ago, someone called me to inform me that I had been pre-approved for some credit thing. I screamed "OMG! That's amazing! It's like winning the lottery! FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY! Thank you thank you thank you!" The person started to rain on my parade and then I said "Hey jackwad, I'm not an idiot and you mispronounced 'congratulations.' Take my name off your list and get a real job." Not the harshest thing ever, but it was enough to make myself laugh.

But today, I think I topped myself. Ever since I made the life-ruining mistake of giving my email address and phone number to stupid David's Bridal, I've been getting crazy amounts of spam email and calls. Today, I googled a strange number that was calling me. I found this site of people who had gotten the same scammy calls and emails and they were like "David's Bridal has a disclaimer that they can sell contact information to third parties in the bridal industry." I did some more sleuthing and found an email address to unsubscribe from the avalanche of OTHER emails. I wasn't taking this most recent invasion of privacy lying down. (Laying down? Whatever.)

I drafted and sent the following email:

To Whom it May Concern,
I have recently been the victim of several harassing emails and phone calls that have apparently come from parties associated with David's Bridal. Months ago, in my bridal glow, I naively agreed to allow DB to share my contact information with others. But that, like my engagement, was a mistake. We have called off our wedding, and the ongoing phone calls and emails about wedding and honeymoon offers are too much to take. They are a constant reminder of lost love and my own personal failings, and they feel like a dagger through my heart. Therefore, please take pity on me and take my name, phone number and email addresses off of every single list you have added me to.

I was proud of myself. I feel like the email is being read by some paper-pusher who ends up second guessing their decision to work for such a hurtful and shady organization and quits after launching into a fiery tirade against The Man. Either that or I inadvertently added myself to yet another list.

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