Concast: Part Deux

Talk about your all-time backfires...

I had grand plans to get on here and proudly state that I, Pharon Square, am now the proud owner of a cable box and high-speed Internet. I was gonna be all "La di da, I have cable! CABLE! SO MANY EPS OF FRIENDS RERUNS! See you never, SUCKAS!" But no. Something has happened and I am going to rip my brain out.

So, it started when some dude from the previously hated Comcast company showed up to hook up my spankin' new cable. He's all "Do you have a router?" And I was all "Um, there's an Airport over there, does that work?" And he shrugged and said "Um, maybe?" I was not confident.

Cut to 2 hours later after dude has used 112 tools, 7 cords and 1 freakishly silent bathroom break (you have no clue how small my apartment is) to hook up one box to one TV. It should have been pretty simple, right? I had forgotten how stupid cable companies are, though. It wasn't until hours after random dude left when I realized my Apple TV no longer works and I can't watch ANY episodes of Pretty Little Liars. Kill me. (Yes, I get the irony of hooking up cable only to turn it off in favor of watching Netflix, but I have to catch up on Season 2 before I can DVR season 3, DUH.)

As mentioned in my Facebook post, the Comcast dude also brought up gun control rights. He was all "Why limit access to high-capacity magazines? People who want them will still get them anyways." And I chimed back with "You make such a good point. Yeah, people will break laws anyways, so why have laws? Why doesn't everyone just promise to be cool about everything?" Then he said "What would you do if someone came in here with a gun?" And I got super freaked out and said "Well, I'm actually a ninja, so....yeah." Call the police.

Anyhooz, when I was growing up, we had a creek in our backyard. It was fun for ice skating and canoeing, but according to my parents, it was the one and only thing standing in between us and Nickelodeon. They told us (a.k.a. LIED TO US) that because of the creek, we could never have cable. Cables couldn't be put under water, so all of us who lived on the water would never know the joy of MTV or Hey, Dude. I came to terms with this at a young age, much like I came to terms with having no central air conditioning (I know. ROUGH LIFE.)

Then I learned that the Fosters down the road had cable (and central air). They also lived on the creek. My entire life was a lie.

I didn't have cable until I was, I don't know, how old was I 10 years ago? I got cable and assumed I'd see non-stop porn and swear words. And then I realized that all cable is is 70 percent reruns, 10 percent mediocre shows, 10 percent infomercials, 5 percent good shows, 3 percent amazeballs shows and 2 percent Kardashian and/or desperate housewives shows.

On the one hand, I'm super glad my parents did get me all looped up on cable when I was young. I liked playing with real people instead of watching shows about fake people. But on the other hand, I'm concerned that keeping me from cable is exactly why I'm so obsessed with it now.

At any rate, I live alone, work from home several days a week and now have cable. I'll see you guys never, okay?