Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Pharon's Phridge

Hey nerds. Let's take an intimate journey into the life of one of the most prestigious bloggers in the world, shall we? I do this solely for my own vindication and in the hopes that someone somewhere will tell me where I've gone wrong. I'd like to take you guys on an exclusive tour of my refrigerator. Doesn't sound fun? Well, TOUGH. It will be fun and YOU WILL LIKE IT.

I'm doing this primarily because I have been completely confused by food lately. Every single edible item on the planet is hated by half the population while being hailed by the other half. No-fat diet? No! Do the All-Fat Diet! Eat vegetables and fruit? No! Fruit is packed with sugar! I'm sick of trying to figure it all out. For days a long time now, I've been focused on eating things that are not boxed or in bagel form. I feel good, but the expected "shedding" of pounds has yet to occur. And with a wedding date barreling towards me with relentless speed, I'd like to look like a rockstar with as little effort as possible. Now, before you guys get it twisted, I'm actually a happy, confident young thang who feels awesome but simply cannot give up carbs or red meat. But there's always room for improvement.

So, I took a picture of the contents of my refrigerator tonight. By all accounts, it would appear that I'm a good eater. (Both in quality and quantity.) Anyways, I basically just want to know what about MY food differs so greatly from others who do not find the same level of comfort in sweatpants as I do. So, without further ado, let us take a peek into the secret contents of the world's most famous blogger's refrigerator.

**QUICK FURTHER ADO: This is meant to be FUN, so any smarty-pants foodies who make your own tofu or only eat cayenne pepper need not apply. I love you, but do not have the same level of dedication to healthy foods that you do. **

Ta da! (I'll wait while you guys tweet this to Perez Hilton.) Now, I'd show you my dry food cupboard, but just trust that it is all just olive oils, cans of various beans and cupcake decorating materials from Valentine's Day. And I seriously have done absolutely no editing of the items in this picture. All that's in there is what you see.

And what you see is: Stupid brown eggs, kale, annoyingly expensive "good for you" bread alternatives, chicken breasts, cilantro, a half-eaten red pepper, an apple from a couple weeks ago, Greek yogurt, deliciously aged Parmesan cheese, more carrots than any human should ever own (in baby and shredded form) and unsweetened applesauce, which is exactly as untasty as it sounds. Oh, and the coconut milk is for smoothies I make every once in awhile. Using 2 tablespoons at a time means that that giant carton is likely close to expiring, if it hasn't already.

Honestly? It looks like I'm some hipster Trader Joe's junkie who shops in the XXS section of European stores. Spoiler alert: None of that is actually accurate. And also, it looks like I've never cooked a full meal in my life. Which is more accurate than not.

So, how does all THAT turn into fat that sticks to every withered muscle in my body? IT CAN'T. That's the answer. Or it's magic. Evil, stupid magic.

Now, I'd really like to re-emphasize the fact that I'm not ACTUALLY looking for people to be like "Here's some nutrition information." I don't want HELPFUL or CONSTRUCTIVE feedback, I want "YOU'RE RIGHT" feedback. That's all. But I also want people to know that despite my penchant for leggings and baggy shirts, I do think I make some good choices with food. Plus, in one week, this refrigerator will look VERY different since Geo will be back and will pack it with bacon, Coke and leftover pizzas. So, I wanted to capture this moment of effort for posterity.

FINE. Maybe I'm NOT looking for feedback. Maybe I'm simply trying to assure myself, in public, that I'm not so far gone. But, if you DO want to sing my praises and erect statues in my honor for my healthy habits that still somehow pack on the pounds, I shall not stop you and will attend the dedication ceremony. With a stomach full of coconut milk and carrots. And maybe a bagel.


Rachel Wedlund said...

Fascinating. I've been making my smoothies with almond milk. That is all.

Pharon Square said...

Rachel, thanks for the update. Is it good?? Maybe we should conduct a milk-swap over lunch someday and give each other's dairy alternative a try.

Although, I have never understood almond milk. Where exactly does the milk COME from on an almond? Wait, maybe I don't want to know...

Kimberly said...

I second Rachel's comment--smoothie's are amazing! In addition to the almond milk, I add spinach...which you can't even taste when added with fruit and yogurt! Great Breakfast item!

Blogger said...

New Diet Taps into Revolutionary Plan to Help Dieters Lose 20 Pounds within Only 21 Days!