Dear Crabby

Oh, Crabby. I've missed you dearly. Let's bring you back into the fold, shall we?

Dear Crabby,
I've been running on a broken foot for years now. I went to a doctor awhile back and he told me that my foot was fine. Then, later, I found out that my effing bone was broken. What can I do to get back on track?!
Thanks!
Wannabe Marathon Runner

Hey there, WMR,
My suggestion to you is to stop running. It's boring and annoying and no one likes a person who runs for pure enjoyment. Because seriously? NO ONE LIKES RUNNING. Now, people who say they like running are, no doubt, awesome, but we all know they are lying. Running can take a long time, it gives you shin splints, and it's just a way of WALKING QUICKLY. There are some people who are all "Oh, I live to run and I run to live" or some such nonsense because they think running is somehow the coolest thing ever. It's not. Running because you're on FIRE or something would be cool and interesting. So take this opportunity and either stop running or stop expecting people to be impressed by it. Oh, and I swear, if you start bragging about running marathons, people worldwide will potentially stop hanging out with you, because the only thing more boring than running a marathon is listening to someone discuss how they're GOING to run a marathon. Anyway, my suggestion is to take up some weird hobby like baton twirling or competitive hot dog eating that doesn't hurt your foot. If your foot hurts, stop running. (and if you are Elton from Clueless, you should probably just go to the nurse. - Hey-yo!)

Dear Crabby,
I'm not sure I can get along with my boyfriend's daughter. She's 5 and impossible to please. Is our relationship doomed?
Thank you, Crabby!!!!
-Not the Mama

Dear NTM,
OMG, kids who are not yours are the EASIEST KIDS EVER. Buy her stuff and spoil her rotten. That's all you need to do. Girls love princess stuff and tulle. Purchase several things accordingly. When it comes to kids, YOU CAN BUY LOVE.

Aaaaaaaaaaand that's all I can muster tonight. Are you all satiated? I'm going to go lay down and NOT run while NOT having a child anywhere near me. Hooray! If you have any questions for this advice champ, go ahead and shoot them my way to pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll either ignore you  completely or solve every problem you've ever had in your entire life.