Monday, December 10, 2012


[Okay, for all my fellow Lost fans, you will hopefully get that the title of this post is reminiscent of something Michael would yell into the woods at least 12 times an episode. Hootie hoo! WE HAVE TO GO BACK!]

Anyways, I'm officially over winter. That's it. One day and I'm over it. I have to leave 45 days early tomorrow morning just to get to work in time because despite the relentlessness of winter EVERY SINGLE YEAR, Minnesota has not figured out how to properly clear the roads. SERIOUSLY. Isn't it someone's job to make it safe for cars to travel 25 yards without skidding into a stop sign? I would assume that person should be seriously fired.

For as long as Minnesota has existed, it has been snowy. We ALL know this. And yet, the farthest we've come in terms of DEALING WITH IT is making people move their cars from one side to the other every few days and dumping salt on the road. (OH, by the way?! If you SAY you're going to tow someone, City of Minneapolis, TOW THEM. Plowing around a car that hasn't figured out the snow emergency rules makes every other person's life miserable who has to park in that spot that's just 10 feet of built up, plowed-around snow.)

Here's an idea: Let's put heaters under the streets. I remember in high school, this girl Molly had this super giant, super fancy house. She had heated floors in her foyer and her bathrooms. Your feet were never cold. It was genius. And that was a billion years ago. Can we seriously not figure out how to simply melt the g.d. snow and ice on a road?!

Or, HMM. How about putting barrels of sand at all the bus stops or corners or something so that if your car starts sliding around uncontrollably and you can't get up a 1-foot hill, there is something there to HELP YOU. What, is sand really that expensive?! No. It's a cheap solution that everyone can enjoy. Ship it in from the beach. There's LOADS of it there. Or SALT! I'm going to have to start carrying this giant thing of sea salt I have for cooking in my glove compartment. If I ever get stuck, I'll sprinkle some on the ice, quick make a margarita and be on my way.

I listened to a car stuck on a patch of ice for 90 MINUTES tonight in front of my building. There were people down there helping him out, so I felt fine hanging out in my apartment, just being annoyed by the constant revving engine and spinning tires. I wanted to yell out "ALL YOU'RE DOING BY SPINNING YOUR WHEELS IS MAKING IT ICIER!" But I didn't because it's very cold out and I didn't want to open my windows.

I just don't get it. It's ice.I can BREATHE on ice and it melts. In fact, I complain about it MELTING TOO FAST in my drink. It is a simple, scientific process that happens ALL. THE. TIME. In our own freezers, even! How does this state, every year, be like "What?! ICE?! Well, eff it. I guess all we can do is wait it out because there is no way to melt ice. Maybe drive over it a bunch of times to make it nice and slick. Snow tires? NO MATCH. Let's just not do anything so that our cars are constant death-traps and every person ever is late to work." Ice? Yeah, eff you.

Sorry. I'm annoyed. Everything is 100 times harder in the winter on Minnesota roads. And rather than move out of this godforsaken state, I have decided to send an email to the boss of Minnesota or weather or whatever and tell them "This just in: Heat melts ice and snow. Can we maybe explore that concept a bit? Maybe instead of salting the roads, can we just drive over them with heated tires and hair dryers strapped to the side of the car?" How is that so far out of the realm of possibilities? If the Google car can map every single road in the county, some guy can drive around with rockets on his car saving everyone else 152 days in their commute.

Anyway, sorry. That is all. I have to get to sleep so that I can wake up 4 days ago to get to work on time tomorrow.

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