Thursday, December 6, 2012

Mourning TV

Until recently, I couldn't have even pretended to have an opinion on morning news shows. I had never seen them, unless I was home sick, blind and delirious with the flu. I always assumed they were just very bad because I couldn't understand words at that point. However, during the couple days that I was working from home with a sore throat and an unexplained alarm in my vents going off every 2 seconds, I had to turn on the TV to drown out the beeping and the wheezing.

What I saw was an abomination in entertainment. Half of the morning "news" shows feature drunk hosts who are insufferable but somewhat entertaining, while the others are so mind-numbingly boring and  uninformed that I have considered sending a care package of tequila and issues of Entertainment Weekly to them. After seeing one particular morning show, (Fox 9 "The Buzz"), however, I literally wanted to rip my fingernails out and throw them at the TV. It was the worst show of all time. And I'm taking every Tyler Perry show into consideration, here.

After watching four people on an entertainment program struggle to remember WHO Jessica Simpson was once married to, I lost all faith in humanity. Well, more accurately, I lost all faith in morning show entertainment. I then came up with a new goal in life.

I will fix morning TV.

Now, we all know that I have paralyzing stage fright. There is nothing scarier to me than speaking in front of a camera. But I'm seriously considering giving all that up so that I can fix TV. I mean, I have an embarrassingly impressive wealth of knowledge when it comes to entertainment facts. I know everything about everything. (In Hollywood.) I am a seriously underutilized resource in morning television.

So I'm going to get over my stage fright and find a job on TV. Seems super easy, right? I think the toughest part of this goal will be dealing with the inevitable fame I will immediately enjoy. So many autographs, so little time.

For realsies, though, I really think I could spice up morning TV for the fives and tens of people I know who actually watch morning news shows. I OWE that to them, you know? I could explain how bad it is that Rihanna and Chris Brown are apparently attending the Grammys together or why Alessandra Ambrosio is ruining everyone's life with her pre-Victoria's Secret fashion show diet/severe problems with malnutrition. These are the REAL ISSUES, people!

Also, I can talk about the weather based on which pair of leggings I will wear that day. Priceless.

Yeah, so I'm going to just go ahead and decide to fix morning TV. I'm not entirely married to the idea of being on camera, but I'm sure that I'm better than all the other people on there right now, who incidentally, gets someone else to do their makeup every morning. That perk alone might make it worth my while.


Grandmaman said...

I agree with the ianity of it all but I would DEFINETELY watch you!

Rachel Wedlund said...

Wait, I thought it was Adriana Lima with the crazy pre-fashion show diet. Alessandra Ambrosio just says she "eats everything in moderation"--lies. Anyway, I think I should be your co-host or at least an occasional guest so that we can hash out these important issues.

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