Dear Crabby

It's late, you guys. I'll admit it. I've been waiting for my computer to cool down enough so that I can place it on my lap to type because I spent approx 2 hours watching back eps of Happy Endings and Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23. It's still pretty hot so I'm going to make this quick. But it's time for the triumphant return of......

Dear Crabby! Hooray!!! (Or Boooo! depending on your preference.) I'll admit...I've missed Crabby. Did you? Let's find out what's been waiting for her attention.

Dear Crabby,
I think my dog is a total perv. Seriously. He humps EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. Last night, he got in a fight with this huge dog because he went up and started humping him in the dog park. And my zebra slippers are but an innocent victim. ANYWAYS, I'm worried that my dog is going to get a reputation - or "puputation." What can I do?
Thanks,
Slutty Puppy

Um, hey there, SP-
I'll admit it. I didn't understand where your question was going. The whole "puputation" thing threw me for a major loop. But really? Are you seriously concerned with your DOG'S REPUTATION? What do you think is going to happen? He'll get bullied on Facebook? Shunned in the cafeteria? Sorry, SP, but your problem is not a real problem. Maybe stop bringing your horndog to the dog park...how 'bout that?

Dear Crabby,
ARGH! Where do I start? Okay, I was at store to find a wafflemaker because I was SUPER in the mood for waffles. While I was there, I got a phone call from my old manager at the restaurant I used to work at. He was all asking me about my new job and what I liked about it, and I got this feeling that he was trying to get me to come back to work. But he and I had had this weird thing going on, and I thought he was married, but he's not and it all got weird and I didn't know what to do so I left, so when he called and sounded like he wanted me to come back, I was pretty shocked. I tried to explain to him that I was happier at my new job, but he just kept asking me questions and  was being pretty annoying. When I tried to tell him that I wasn't looking...
-Preemptive Edit

OMG. I stopped that question because not only is it the longest question in the world, but it's also the most boring of all time. To the question asker: You're too longwinded and your question is not interesting. Sorry. But actually, you should be apologizing to ME for having to read eternity's longest email in the history of the world.

Dear Crabby,
I know a parent should NEVER say this about their child, but I can't help it. I've been trying to teach my kid to tie her shoes for seemingly 12 years, even though she's only 5. Is she a dummy, or am I teaching her wrong??
Thanks,
Shoe To-Do

Hey Shoe To-Do,
If there's anything I'm an expert in, it's judging other people for how they raise their kids even though I've never raised one of my own. (Details, details.) Based on my expert opinion, my guess is that you are teaching her wrong. She's a child, not a Kardashian. She can learn. I'm pretty sure you need to rethink your teaching methods and stop being so hard on your poor daughter. If you're not careful, she'll end up crazy...AND she won't be able to tie her own shoes. Tread lightly, lady...your kid is probably smarter than you give him/her credit for.

UGHHHHHHHHHHH! That was so CHALLENGING, you guys! I'm so GOOD at giving advice, but people with problems are so DIFFICULT. Anyways, if I forgot anything or got anything wrong, let me know in the comments. Now, my thighs are on fire from this devil computer so I'm calling it a night. If you have a question, totes shoot 'em to pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll get to them as soon as my skin recovers from these 1st degree burns.