Tonight I was chatting with my pal Liz about the ridonkulousness that is "getting your car fixed." It's a stupid-crazy process. To begin with, car guys are mean. They expect everyone to know what a serpentine belt is (which I DO know) and why you "absolutely must get your air filter replaced," (which is NOT TRUE). So Liz paid a bunch of money to have her car checked out only to learn two weeks later that 100 things have gone wrong in her ride.
So, in the interest of teaching you guys a solid lesson, I've decided to give you guys some tips I've learned over the years in regards to car care at the auto body shop. Keep in mind, please, that I have tested these methods over several years. I once got talked into buying two new tires during an oil change. But I am certainly much "smarter" now than I was back then.
Anyways, the next time you see that irritating "Check Engine" light flash in your car, or any other stupid-annoying warning light for that matter, run through these steps.
* If you don't believe that whatever warning light is on is real, either ignore it or simply place a piece of black electrical tape over it.
* If that stupid light has persisted and you worry about the state of your ride, FINE. Bring it to a dumb auto body place. Find the one with the cutest guys who work there and follow the next steps.
* Wear an adorable outfit that highlights your favorite assets.
* Walk in to said auto body place with confidence about yourself to replace the complete ignorance you feel about whatever thing is making your engine smoke and rev involuntarily at stop lights.
* Tell the kind gentleman behind the desk that you are just a stupid little woman who cannot possibly understand why the tire pressure light on your car is on and only his level of expertise can save you.
* Suppress every instinct you have to call out the guy when he tells you that your phalanges need cleaning.
* Make sure to slip in a comment like "I don't want to pay a lot or anything, but," then try and generate a tear or two, "I just am worried about driving my car if it's dangerous because I'm so cute and vulnerable."
* Knowing full well that your car is probably not going to explode, pull yourself together and then head over to the waiting room to read 3-month-old back issues of People.
* In several minutes, someone will come and tell you that your Check Engine light is on because you have left your gas tank door open for the past 6 days
* Laugh adorably before suggesting that maybe the guy should check your oil levels and tire pressure before sending you on your way. He wouldn't want you to get stranded, would he?!
* Stroll out of the auto shop on a cloud because you just pwned the system for a free checkup
I know it's not particularly feministic (real word? According to spell check, NO) or whatever, but hey. If a shop full of dudes wants me to be dumb and girlie so they can be the hero, I will play the part for a free checkup. If you are smart, you'll do the same thing. Unless you know something about cars, in which case I fully expect you to marginalize the dude trying to tell you that your culottes need fluffing.