Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The word "Hero" is thrown around a lot...

Listen, I KNOW I'm harping on the fact that Minnesota has winter and it sucks, but I don't care. There is nothing else of more import than the snowy beyotch that is ruining everything. Oh, wait. There is one important thing that likely happened tonight. I'm pretty sure I earned a medal.

That's right. This humble blogger has participated in acts of heroinism tonight. It started with plans for dinner with Claire. But I got home from work and ate 100 quesadillas and took a nap first. Heroes need their rest, y'all. So when I got to Claire's and was all "Oops, I'm not hungry. Also, I forgot the acorn squash I was supposed to bring for dessert. Let's watch cable instead," she was not proud of me. But then, Claire's OCD kicked in and she decided to shovel her roof. SERIOUSLY.

I stood by, monitored her progress and shoveled her back porch and walkway like a boss. When she tried to climb to the peak of her roof, I stopped her and reminded her that Minnesota roofs are more resilient than we think they are. Just like Minnesotans. Then, I made her get off the roof and come inside to watch Storage Wars. I don't want to call myself a lifesaver, but I may have seriously saved a life tonight.

Not satisfied with my roof-management heroism, I decided to continue my bravery when I got home. I myself enjoy the perks of 4-wheel drive, which is all but required in this godforsaken state. Other peasants, however, are not so smart. After my rockstar parallel parking job over mounds of icy snow, I approached a motorist in need.

I mentioned the other day that 100 cars have gotten stuck on the ridiculously slick road by my apartment. The city is not salting anything and people are left to their own devices. So when I saw a navy-purple Mustang spinning its wheels trying to get out of their street parking spot, I knew the driver needed a hero. I yelled "You need help?" and a girl who was horribly underdressed for the weather popped out of the driver's side door. She was like "Yeah, but no offense, I think we need some guys."

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize my pulsating muscles were useless.

I assured her that I was stronger than I looked. I pushed and pushed and pushed her car as her wheels spun, spitting dirty snow in my heroistic face. Her friend came down to "help" but she was, I think, high. She came out with tennis shoes on and no socks. World's worst apparel choice for this job.

"Together," the "two" of us rocked and pushed and steered the girl's unfaithful steed onto the more forgiving path of what we could only assume was a "street." I am pretty sure I was solely responsible for any movement that car enjoyed. But I, being the humble hero I am, high-fived my cohort once the World's Worst Winter Car was on its way back home and claimed "I couldn't have done it without you!"

Um, I could have.

Anyway, now my back is super sore and screaming at me because I'm too old to be shoveling hundreds of pounds of snow and pushing cars out of icy ditches all on my own. I'm a hero, you guys, but I'm not a superhero.

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