Monday, November 19, 2012

Traitor Joe's

There are many things I simply do NOT understand about the human race. People who eat French fries with forks. Bicyclists. Eating eggs with ketchup. Slow walkers in the mall. People who wear those Bluetooth headpieces. People who compost. But far and away, the thing that probably confounds me most is people who can grocery shop during the day.

I work from home three days a week. But I still typically do all my food shopping when I'm starving on a Saturday morning in my sweatpants and mascara smeared down my cheeks. Stores are ALWAYS busy then, but I GET THAT. But today, I got a serious hankering for some homemade chicken salad and needed a couple supplies. I decided "Oh, I'll just breeze in and out of the store because it's a work day and people work." I decided to go to Trader Joe's because I also really wanted to be one of those people who buy brown eggs. Which I also don't understand. But, it's trendy so I thought I'd give it a shot.

Really?! I had to circle the lot TWICE to find a parking spot. I was shocked. I finally found a spot and went inside. I do NOT understand these people. It was like 2 p.m. and the place was PACKED. Not even for Thanksgiving stuff, either. There were people bustling around the cheese aisle, the cereal area and the dietary supplement section. Fewer than like 5 people had kids with them (which likely makes them stay-at-home parents and thus, understandable) and everyone was all dressed like normal people.

I, not anticipating a crowd, only managed to match my sweatpants to my socks tucked into slippers that only SORT OF pass as shoes.

But all these people were relatively young, put together and seemingly in no hurry to pack their chick peas or organic whey macaroni and tofu cheese or whatever into their carts. They were just THERE. I looked around as I scurried to find some celery and brown eggs and saw only people who seemed to have nowhere to go but were dressed as if they were headed to a very grown-up activity. And yet they still had enough money and cooking skills to knowingly put shallots and organic diamond bean curd in their baskets.

Who ARE these people?! No kids? No place to go? Casually reading the ingredients in some sort of carbonated carrot/beet juice on a Monday afternoon? What is going on?

Grocery shopping during the day is a serious LUXURY. It's like going to a doctor's appointment between the hours of 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. It's just not something most people can do. And yet, there is an entire population of people mulling around the most indulgent place in the universe without any sort of sense of time or day.

Anyway, what started as a crazy excursion into Brown Egg land turned very quickly into a complete spiral down the rabbit hole. All these people have somehow found a loophole in the regular work schedule and didn't have the decency to share their magic grocery-shopping-schedule formula with anyone else. Traitors.

The moral of this story is that I don't get people who aren't stressed out or crazy-busy during traditional work days and I now think they are witches. Also, I ended up getting white eggs because I decided brown eggs looked like they came out of a chicken's butt.


Sarah said...

Jesus Christ... You are good.

JessiferSeabs said...

Was that the St. Louis Park trader joe's? Because that place, at ANY hour of the day, any time of the year, is a COMPLETE disaster. It is all people who live in Excelsior and Grand, just popping down for a few things, but the storei s laid out so poorly that you have cart-rage just walking in the front.

I'm a 7 AM shopper. Otherwise I won't go. But whne I worked at home, I used to go at like 2 PM on a Tuesday and it was awesome -- not a car in the lot!

Pharon Square said...

Jess, YES it was the one in SLP! What grocery store needs parking lot attendants on a Monday afternoon!?

Also, I'll bet you're right about the Excelsior & Grand part. But where do all the cars come from?!

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