Knit Wit

This afternoon I decided to get a new hobby. Why did I decide that, you ask? Well, see, Claire and I were going to do a craft today. She was all "Let's knit mittens," and I was like "Dude, I definitely don't know how to knit." But, like, ALL things I like on Pinterest that I want to do require KNITTING. Pinterest is so PUSHY.

Finally, I was like "Okay, let's knit. Will you teach me?" And Claire was like, "Now I'm not in the mood. Sorry." So you know what I did? I decided to teach MYSELF how to knit. How hard could it be?

I went to the store, found some yarn and didn't know what to do next. I texted my friend Liz who had learned to knit last year. I asked her what I needed to buy. She called and was like "Okay, get yarn, but not like super frilly or glittery yarn because that can get confusing. Just get some basic yarn to practice with." I put back the frilly, glittery yarn in my hand and said "Well, DUH!" Then she told me which stick-dealies to buy and I was on my way.

At home, I googled "How to knit" and 634,234,294,209,209 billion instruction sites. I clicked on the wikihow site, which as far as I'm concerned is the truest site on the Internet. The first row is lemon-squeezy. I got it done in 8 seconds and was like "Wow, knitting is very simple." I was busy deciding between an elaborate sweater and a variety of yarn bomb projects when I realized I didn't know what to do at the end of the first row.

Sixty-five websites, 4 videos and one thrown shoe later, here's what I had:

Hmm. The sweater would have to wait. Frustrated, I cut the chunk of "knitting" off and tossed it across the room, towards the bathroom where should have been flushed down the toilet. THAT'S how bad it was. And it took FOREVER! I decided to not get discouraged. I would keep trying. I would try and try and try until I succeeded! I read more websites, consulted more wikihow pages, watched some of the absolute DULLEST YouTube videos over and over and over. Trying and trying and trying. 

After a good 45 minutes, I thought I had the hang of it. My fingers were aching and I finally realized why arthritis commercials show people happily knitting away as proof that a product works. I examined my handiwork.

Um. Still...not...quite...right.My main problem was the fact that the yarn I got is actually two pieces of yarn twisted together. Blasted! I'd start with 10 stitches and by the time I got them all to the other stick thingie, there would be 16 loops. WHAT?! Curse you, historic pastime!

I didn't know what to do. Nothing I was doing was turning out right. I gave myself one last chance. I wouldn't just snip it off after the first three failed lines. I would not let the yarn get the best of me! This would not be my white whale (or whatever)! As God is my witness, I will LEARN TO KNIT!

With a renewed dedication and my nose to grindstone, I started all over. I tried and I tried again. I pursued in the face of defeat. An hour later, I had this:

What? Did you think I'd FAIL!? Did you think I'd spend hours teaching myself to do something only to give up? Silly rabbit. That up there is probably the easiest stitch thing you can do, but I don't care. It totally counts as knitting. I even got the point where I absent-mindedly did a few rows while chatting with Geo on the phone. Sadly, though, I realized that no matter how long I work on whatever this particular item is, it will never be anything. Too skinny for a scarf, too fat for super sweet shoelaces. So I need to start over with a PLAN. 

Whatever. I'm super proud of myself. And I'm sure all my friends and family are looking forward to receiving poorly-shaped hats and matching potholders for Christmas! Hooray!