Dear Crabby

Hooray! We've made it through hump day and we are thisclose to the weekend, so that's just tops. Let's get to some quick queries for Crabby so we can get even closer to Friiiiiiday, cool?

Dear Crabby,

I'm fairly certain my wife is trying to slowly poison my food. That, or she's just the worst cook ever. Her food makes me sick almost every night and it just always tastes like...I don't know. Poisoned paste. On the one hand, I don't want her to feel bad if she's just a terrible cook. On the other hand? IT COULD BE POISON. Ideas?

Send Help, 

Scared Husband 

Dear Scared Husband,

Either way, it sounds like you're in quite a pickle. If she's a bad cook, you certainly can't TELL her that. If you do, she might actually try to poison you because you're a heartless jackwad. If she actually IS poisoning you, that's probably kind of a big deal. Maybe you should just become a vegan gluten-free person allergic to veggies and sugar. Then you'll just not be able to eat anything ever. Problem solved!

Dear Crabby,

Last week, my boss told me that he is cheating on his wife. It kind of just slipped out while we were going over some expense reports and he was getting mad at me for a random hotel expense. He then told me that no matter how many times he and "Lisa" (not his wife) stay at hotels, apple bacon pancakes have never cost more than $8.50. Now, I  don't know his wife (Anne) at all, but I HATE my boss and kind of want to ruin his life by tracking her down and telling her about his infidelity. Should I rat him out or keep my mouth shut?

Thanks!

Side Job 

Sup Side Job,

Well, it sounds like you've already made up your mind to tell the wifey. You just want someone to confirm that it's okay to do it because it's also a majorly jerkface thing to do and extremely none of your business. So, whatever...sure! Go for it! Sounds like a great, well-thought-out plan! There's no way this could go any way by your way. He's got it coming. You'd be stupid NOT to tell her! Does that make you feel better about what you're going to do? If not, it's probably because it's a terrible idea in the first place, that's all. Best of luck to you, lady.

Dear Crabby,

Don't you ever get sick of dealing with the weird questions you get in Dear Crabby? 

Just Curious,

Quick Qrabby Question 

QQQ,

Funny you should mention that! I AM sick of dealing with the weirdos and spazzes that write me, begging for me to fix their lives. I am seriously NOT good at advice because I hate listening and think problems that have nothing to do with me are boring. But, I am also aware that my role as Crabby is, like, vital and life-affirming for the majority of people in the world. So, my hands are kinda tied here. Why, are you sick of reading the weird questions/awesomely awesome answers?

Hooray! It's now officially Thursday! I knew a quick Crabby post would get me closer to the weekend. If you have a question for the always-amazing advice guru, go ahead and send it to pharonsquare@gmail.com. I'll screen 'em and pass 'em along to Her Highness for her perusal. You're welcome.