Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dear Crabby

I know, it's Wednesday. I KNOW, it's time for Dear Crabby. I KNOW I've blown it off for a couple weeks now, but listen, life doesn't STOP for crappy crabby advice. It's been exactly a month since my last attempt at changing lives in a very helpful and prolific way, so I'm sure everyone has just been a mess since then. The last time we last met Crabby, she was, uh, crabby. And unhelpful. Let's try and catch up, shall we?

Dear Crabby,
I just got a SUUUUUUUUUUUPER inappropriate picture from a guy I've been seeing for a weeks now. Like, X-rated. And COMPLETELY unwelcomed! Besides this latest thing, I thought he was pretty cool. Is this a serious red flag, or should I just let it go?

Stanks,
No ThanXXX


Hey No ThanXXX,
How do I put this delicately? RUN. Run far, far away. But listen, if you are an enterprising young lady, you, unfortunately, need to keep the picture. If this dude ever gets famous or rich, you can totes use the gnarly text against him and make millions! Consider it an investment! But first, change your number and possibly your name.

Dear Crabby,
What do you think about Botox? I'm 34 and considering it for the crow's feet I have.

Notox or Yestox?


Dear Notox or Yestox,
YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR BOTOX. I don't care if you have crow's feet. Seriously. Probably NO ONE cares. Injecting botulism into your face when you are in your 30s in crazy. Wait like 10 more years and look normal. I'm guessing that pretty soon there will be a Fountain of Youth pill, so yeah, wait for that. You'll look stupid with Botox in your face before then.

Dear Crabby,
I live in the same city as Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Remember him? From Home Improvement? I seriously have THE BIGGEST crush on him, and I really want to find a way to run into him and make a good impression. Any pointers?

Thanks,
I'm Down With JTT


Hello, Down With JTT,
Uh, well, so...Jonathan Taylor Thomas, eh? So that's your thing? Well, you could probably just mention that you know who he is. He'd probably like that, since no one else has said that to him in a bajillion years. I don't know. I don't know how to talk to famous - or even pseudo-famous - people. I would suggest either asking for his autograph or totally ignoring him. Gush over him or put him down. Whatevs. I don't know what to tell you. Good luck, though!

Phew! I forgot how tough that is! Have better advice? Have worse advice? Try your hand at helping out by slapping your input in the comments. Otherwise, if you have an issue that needs lickin', shoot an email to pharonsquare@gmail.com. I'll make sure it gets "solved".

1 comment:

Rachel said...

I used to have my entire room plastered with JTT pinups from Tiger Beat. Sigh, I've mailed him many a love letter in my day. Oddly, he never even responded to me. I eventually faced the facts and moved on to Devon Sawa, but he wasn't into me either. I hope Down With JTT fairs better.
--Rachel W