Sunday, March 11, 2012

Crack is NOT whack

I was trying to pick out my favorite part of this weekend. I figured it out, and it's not what you'd think.

So first, I spent Friday night with some very dear friends who I haven't seen in too long. My friends Amy and Sarah rule. I met up with them for tater tots and laughs before we were supposed to head out to see a Prince tribute band. Eeee! Sounds great, right?! But due to unforeseen drama, I ended up back home, before midnight, NOT partying like it's 1999. Still super fun. Not quite my favorite part.

During the lovely Spring day on Saturday, I shopped. All day. I bought loads of crap for my trip to Palm Springs next week. So. Many. Clothes. And Saturday night was Claire's birthday party. It was caaaarazy fun. I even put on a dress for the occasion. Still not the best part.

Today I had brunch with my great friend Ally. It was also her birthday. So, we had brunch and then decided to spend the similarly beautiful day meandering around Uptown and drinking beers. It was great, and that's when the best part of my weekend happened.

As we were leaving the trashiest bar in the whole state, we saw this serious crackhead dude sitting on this stoop. He was openly enjoying some illegal substances, and was obviously talking to himself. But as I passed him, he managed to say "Hey. We should hang out sometime. Can I call you?" I was all "Aw, I'm flattered, Crackhead, but I've got a man...surprisingly enough." He muttered something under his breath and I said "I'm sorry?? What was that?" And he says....

"I bet you'd look bangin' in a bikini."

I nearly fell over. It took all my energy to stop from saying "OMG, thank you so much! I've been working really hard, and I've been really self conscious because I'm going to the desert with my boyfriend and his family next week and I've basically been eating nothing but leafy greens and water in an attempt to lose weight because I don't want to make everyone puke when I put a bikini on, so I think it's really awesome that you'd SAY something like that!"

Instead, I said "Um. Thanks. Enjoy that crack, kind sir."

Well, okay, I didn't say EXACTLY that, but I can't remember what I said because my heart was so full of confidence and self esteem that I like blacked out. I bragged about the crackhead compliment all afternoon. Ally and Tim - who I was with at the time - nearly wet their pants laughing at how flattered I was. It was suggested at one point that the guy wasn't even able to open both of his eyes at the same time, but I don't care. I was over the moon that some stranger told me that I wasn't offensively obese, and in fact he would very much enjoy seeing my pasty white stomach.

So despite the fact that I spent so much time with wonderful friends and shopping for 2 pairs of wonderful new shoes, the best part of the weekend was when One-Eyed Willy took a break from his drug habit to tell me that I am finally bikini-ready.


Grandmaman said...

Pharon, you are the greatest!!!

Sarahsbt said...

Hysterical..... Did those beers and tater tots help your bikini body??? Just wondering...... Lol. Lol

Cindi said...

Oh. MY. God....hysterical as usual !

Anonymous said...

Your stories crack me up! I read them all the time when I am conned into laying in bed while my daughter falls asleep which has lately been almost every night. She's happy that I am lying with her and I am happy for some good comic relief!
And... She is now record!!
Thanks for the laughs!
Your Hornet alumni, Emma

Pharon Square said...

Emma - Thank YOU for reading!!