Thursday, May 30, 2013

Upton is Ruining Our Lives (But My God She's Pretty)

OMG. I'm literally IRATE right now. I've never been this mad at a magazine or a stranger in my entire life. And I got cut off like 12 times today by other drivers. Anyway, I have a subscription to Vogue and I'm straight up cancelling it after this month's cover article on how "fat" Kate Upton is.

This just in: Skinny isn't even good enough for girls anymore. We need to be skinny AND have big boobs AND have "hips" AND have to love eating everything AND then need to still think we're fat. Being a girl effing sucks.

So, Kate Upton is this month's cover girl. She's a STUNNER. I have actually been a fan of hers for awhile. She seems like a good time. But if she talks about how people call her fat ONE MORE TIME I'm going never read anything ever again. Ladies? This is the new unreachable standard.

THIS:
is apparently "Curvy". Don't you just love that hint of ribs she's got? And the clever way her thigh skin clings to her bones? What a fatty.

Listen, I really try and keep the swearing to a minimum in this blog. But dear God, women are fucked. If THIS chick, who also happens to be considered the IDEAL WOMAN among many of my guy friends, is what women should consider "curvy," we are screwed. We are totally and completely pwned. I mean, hey, congrats to the fashion industry for learning how to make clothes for girls with boobs, but holy crap (wait, women have BOOBS?! WHO KNEW!?).

I've literally never been this upset at Vogue before. For all the times they photoshop bones onto emaciated models, I've always been like "EVERYONE knows that's not purdy. I have curves and am a woman, not a mannequin." But suddenly, there's this totally gorgeous chick who they are saying is FAT because it appears as though she has eaten in the past week.

The stupid fashion industry has even taken away the term "curvy" from regular women. They stole it, slapped a Victoria's Secret model behind it and made even healthy women wonder if they are fat because they claim to constantly be fighting the "curvy" stigma. (God forbid...) Case in point: My BFF Madeline is a stunnah. She's tall, has long legs, loves to run and is the best girl in the world. Tonight I was all "Kate Upton is ruining my life." and she was all "Kate Upton is fat." I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle Madeline. That picture up there is NOT a picture of a "fat" girl. This is how insane girls are getting.

Anyway, I don't know what's wrong with women, but I'm pretty sure we all need to collectively decide that men are not worthy of being hot unless they look like Channing Tatum. C'mon, ladies...if guys get to have completely unfair views of what a person of the opposite sex should look like, why can't we? I hereby state that unless a man looks like Channing Tatum and has the face of Ryan Gosling, they are now officially ugly. Deal?

2 comments:

JessiferSeabs said...

Oh,Pharon, this makes me so angry/sad too. If that woman is fat, I'm Chris Christy. I actually stopped reading fashion magazines because every time they talk about "curves being in" it is in this context. Im' sorry. Beyonce is curvy. JLo is even sort of curvy. ANd they are still skinny -- this Kate Upton is INCREDIBLY skinny. I cannot imagine somebody calling her fat. She's probably 40 lbs below my goal weight.

But here's the deal -- your fiance obviously doesn't expect you to look like that, and neither does my husband. Now if WE can just get comfortable with the status quo / size of our jeans, it really stops mattering...

Madeline Solien said...

Dude, that is NOT a picture of Kate Upton...and if they're claiming it is, then it's either CRAZY photoshopped or super old...girl is like at least 30lbs bigger than that in all the recent pictures I've seen (including the SI swimsuit issue)..again, I don't think she's 'obese' but she is DEFINITELY curvy..and this picture is bullsh*t