Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Amanda Bynes is Nuts

You guys? Amanda Bynes is nuts. Not since Spearsgate 2007 has a young starlet gone so far off the deep end so quickly. Let me quick give you a rundown of everything I know* about Amanda Bynes and her descent into infamy and nutsdom.

Amanda Bynes was in a show I liked called "What I Like About You" a long time ago. It was nice because Jenny Garth was also in it and Bynes didn't seem to rest on the fact that she was pretty because she was very entertaining as a physical comedian. Score.

Then she was in some crappy movies that I've probably seen 100 times each because I'm a glutton for punishment and terrible, unbelievable movie plots. (Hint: She played a girl playing her twin brother so she could play soccer in one movie. Channing Tatum was in it. By all accounts, it was an actual movie.)

Then no one heard anything from Bynes.

Then she got on Twitter. Then she announced on Twitter that she was retiring from acting after several years of not acting. Then she un-retired and was in  that Hairspray movie. Again, she was very enjoyable. Then I think she re-retired.

Then she went insane.

Sidebar: It was around this time that I think Bynes was given access to all the moolah she made as a young, entertaining woman. I think she took that money and invested it in a crack den because $hit started getting real.

The trouble is that much of her public meltdown took place on Twitter so I missed it because I was too busy losing interest in Twitter. So, from what I can gather, she got into a buttload of car accidents and fled the scenes. Was she drunk? I can't remember. But, like any other normal person, she tweeted at Barack Obama asking him to fire the officer who arrested her. Not sure if that ever worked out for her.

So after all the accidents, the true crazy came out and she moved seamlessly from Twitter to Instagram so she could share pictures of herself going insane. In some pictures, she had a cheek piercing, I think and her face started looking like Christina Aguilera's face had melted off and was smeared back on to Pamela Anderson's head. She looked whack as hell. Then she took pics of her nearly-naked body and announced that her anorexic-ish frame was too big and she needed to lose weight. (Ugh, cry-for-attention much?!)

Then came the head shaving. I guess girl shaved her head and then got the world's worst weave since that kid Nick burned my Barbie doll's hair and I tried to replace it with Skipper's hair using Elmer's glue. At some point, she moved to New York so she wouldn't get in so many car accidents and kept getting photographed walking down the street in various states of delusion.

I thought she had hit bottom when she was recently arrested AGAIN for allegedly tossing a bong out of her apartment window or something. Her mugshots and jail photos are hilarious. In one, she has a shaved head and in the next, she has on a Miss Piggy wig that she probably found in the jail toilet. Dude, she's a comic genius.

Anyway, then she got back on Twitter and announced that she was going to launch her singing/rapping career. So she's officially lost it.

People keep being like "Where are her parents?" but MY question is "How has she not gotten pregnant or married or hired to be on Celebrity Rehab-All Star Edition yet?" What gives, Bynes? Man, she's NEVER going to catch up to Linsane Lohan at this rate. (Oh, and for the record, we KNOW where Lohan's parents are and they are no help whatsoever, so let's stop expecting miracles from the parents of a child actor.)

Hey Mom and Dad - Betcha I don't look so bad anymore. ;)

* Note: I refused to actually look any of this info up because it was more fun that way. Much of this info may be inaccurate, but...nah, it might all be accurate. Girl gone cray.

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