Monday, May 27, 2013

The great outdoors: Not so great

How much do I love long weekends? A LOT. It was great, great fun to spend time doing nothing but drinking cocktails, eating burgers, reorganizing my closet (yup, I did that) and just hanging out. I got like billions of hours of sleep and spent an entire evening watching Arrested Development on Netflix. HOORAY! Dude, I LOVE relaxing and TV.

What I do NOT love is nature. Dumb. It nearly ruined an otherwise perfect weekend today when Geo gleefully announced that we would be spending Memorial Day outside. In a park. Like, not in front of a TV. What kind of nonsense is that?

I was told that Geo had planned a little outing with some pals to BBQ and hang out at a park. There were to be lawn games, mini charcoal grills, Frisbees and (mercifully) some beer. I had no part in the planning, which was both awesome and confusing. Like, I didn't WANT to do any planning but as a girl, I felt like my intervention was IMPERATIVE. How can there be a party if there is no girl to plan it down to the minutest details!?

Anyway, so I show up to the BBQ about 30 minutes after Geo had gotten there. He had everything all set up and great. He had even gotten this adorable green grill for the occasion. Our friends started showing up and it was all going  surprisingly well. But then Nature weaseled her way into the fun and I faded fast.

All day, the clouds were dark and heavy with rain. It kept not raining though. It was just cold and windy and ALMOST rainy. That's annoying. And when we were playing Bocce ball, all these disgusting gnats kept flying into our faces and being just the worst. Plus, because the ground outside is made out of dirt and not carpet or wood, you probably shouldn't can't eat food that's fallen from your plate. That's also annoying. Oh, and did I mention how dirty everything is outside? And how hard it is to find a bathroom in a park? Ugh. Nature!

Once the first raindrop fell, I knew it was finally over. I could finally pack up and get back to technology and indoor plumbing. Oh, and to all the dummies who biked and walked to the park instead of driving the 10 blocks like I did? Bet that whole "Let's not drive," decision wasn't looking too smart anymore. We started packing up and the rain started falling faster. It was getting on my phone and on my new purse and in my eye.

I ran with the cute green grill and a bag of leftover food back to the safety of my car. But the second I opened the door, 5 bajillion of those disgusting effing gnats flew into my car! I freaked out and just threw the grill in the backseat, spilling charcoal everywhere, and tried to get in the car without letting more gnats in. But when I opened the driver's side door, 6 zillion more flew in.

I have no idea what happened to them once they got in the car. They all disappeared and are probably mating and incubating baby gnats in my car vents. Oh wait, correction: I have no idea what happened all but TWO of the gnats. That's because as I was merging on the highway, one of the damn things flew UP MY NOSE and while I was panicking and trying to stop the thing from getting into my brain (I'm pretty sure that's how science and anatomy works) ANOTHER gnat flew into MY EYE. I was sure I was going to be eaten alive by stupid park gnats.

My car was swerving a bit on the highway as I feverishly rubbed my eye to get one gnat out while also trying to blow the other gnat out of my nose. Had there been a police nearby, he or she would have been all "Great. Another drunk driver on Memorial Day." But no, I just was driving in a car that smelled like burning charcoal and was infested with gnats that were trying to eat my face off.

And that's why I hate the outdoors.

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