Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Trapped in the Closet

For those of you who get the reference of tonight's blog subject line, R. Kelly would have been pwnd if he was at my house when my husband came home. (For those who do not get the reference, R. Kelly put out a weird saga of songs and in one of them, well, whatever. Watch the video here. Or, if you don't, just trust that bro gets trapped in the closet during an illicit tryst.) This is because my closet was an absolute NIGHTMARE that no man could have fit into. It looked like Old Navy and Banana Republic and Herberger's all had a baby made out of 100% cotton t-shirts and dirty, mismatched socks who then threw up all over my room.

Yeah, it was a mess. It's been like weeks since I got back from Alabummer and I still had not been able to unpack my luggage because there was simply no room. I had cleared out room for Geo's stuff by casually tossing my own clothes on the floor. And rude! He wasn't even proud of me for making room.

So this weekend, I wanted to clean up so I could see all my clothes again. My lovely, beautiful, bountiful clothes. I missed them. I missed color coordinating them by sleeve length and formality. I missed dragging my fingers over the clothes, and hanging up the shirts I wear 20 times in a row next to clothes I haven't worn for five years so that I'd remember to wear the not-so-popular clothes. I missed cramming new clothes into the closet and throwing old versions into the bag underneath my bed. Basically, I missed how materialistic I am. (Whatever. You are too.)

I recently helped my sister Prinna pack up her house because she's moving to a big ol' new house. While boxing up clothes, I saw she had these miraculous hangers that seemed to save a lot of room. You've seen them on TV (well, you better have or the AS SEEN ON TV burst is nothing but LIES!) and they are called Magic Hangers. This is a good name for them because they are indeed magic.

See, you hang these doohickies up, put five articles of clothing on hangers through the little holes, and then drop the left side of the Magic Hanger down and voila! Five hangers of clothes drops down to one little hanger. This is, like, a totally critical tool for hoarders/people who fluctuate in size more than Kirstie Alley. It was GREAT.

I went from this:

to this:

MAGIC! Can someone please be impressed!? Instead of doing laundry and dumping the clean clothes into the general closet area underneath my extra pillows, I actually have a PLACE for everything now. Not only can I see my CLOTHES now, but I can see MY SHOES. Materialism!!!

Geo was less impressed by my cleaning and more impressed that he could love someone who relies on magic to manage her clothing. He was also not impressed when I was like "Ooof, now I gotta get my summer clothes out!"

Whatever. I have a lot of clothes. Many of them are out of style or do not fit my body on any given day. I don't care. I LOVE knowing that I have 5 different black and white striped shirts. I think it's perfect that I have a pink and yellow shirt that I've never worn which fits PERFECTLY between my pink and yellow sections of shirts. And who DOESN'T have 20 pairs of jeans? Some are comfy, some are tight, some make me feel skinny because they are enormous, some haven't fit for seven years but I keep them as inspiration. I LOVE MATERIALS.

So yeah. I finagled a way to get all my clothes into one space. I feel both amazing and a tiny bit terrible about how much money I've spent on clothes I never wear that do not even fit in my closet. But given the fact that I also assembled a drawer system by myself, I will go ahead with feeling "amazing." Hooray!

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