I’m about to get all spiritual up in this piece. Not, like, for real though. Don’t worry. This week was full of little tiny victories in the universe that is Hollywood. Therefore, I call upon the moons and suns and galaxies and black holes and the Big Dipper to declare that this Wednesday's Winner is:
Karmaaaaa! Yes! Oh man, she must have been working overtime in Hollywood this weekend. And believe you me, it did NOT go unnoticed. All over the place, people were getting pwned in hilarious ways.
Lindsay Lohan. Yes, people. She continually tested the limits of drug enforcement laws, shirked her rehab requirements, offended the judge of her case, blamed everyone else, and Lo(han) and behold? She failed a drug test. Twice. Now she’s supposed to go back to jail for 30 days. Will you ever learn, Lindsay? Well, if Karma has anything to do with it: you will.
Secondly, Paris Hilton was turned away from a whole country. Yup. Japan said what we‘ve all wanted to say to Paris since her first commando trip to the club: Sayonara, Sweetheart. They turned away Paris and her private jet straight up because she has been charged with drug possession here in the States. Her claim? She thought the cocaine in her bag was gum. Yeah, that’s just, that’s just not a good lie, Paris. It’s like me claiming that I thought the cake I just ate was a toothbrush. Silly rabbit. In Hollywood it’s downright humiliating to be turned away from club. But a whole country? Now that’s how Karma rolls.
It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Karma is not just a cold-hearted snake. This week, we got a brand new Glee episode, Penelope Cruz is preggo, and Steven Tyler is still alive. Oh, and also a new judge on some TV talent show. And Jon Stewart is leading our generation in a Rally to Restore Sanity march in October. Love it. See? Lots and lots o’ the good stuff, too. And it’s good stuff for some good people, too. I like that.
So, my hat’s off to you, Karma. You’ve brought a wonderful balance of peace, promise, and punishment to our fair Hollywood. I honor you by crowning you this Wednesday’s Winner. You played a big part in a great week, and I want you to know that I not only noticed, but I appreciate it. I just hope, you know, this comes back around to me somehow. But, like in a good way.