Hey, nerds. Long day. LOOOOONG day. And I have nothing hysterically entertaining to write about (what else is new), but I do want to bring the lights down and get serious for a minute. Can we all get in a Kumbaya circle?
GREAT.
Today is a warm, fuzzy day. It should be a day that you hug every single person you see and smooch every stranger on the bus (says the girl who doesn't take the bus anymore). It's a day to take an extra deep breath of autumn air outside and make out with a pumpkin...or something.
See, five years ago tonight, I had to say goodbye to a 9-month-old baby who I loved very much. My niece, Sophia. It was too early and it was too hard. But five years later, I am constantly astounded by the strength and love that I see in my family every single day, and it makes me incredibly proud of those who are genetically assigned to me.
So, tonight I did some bittersweet crafting with lots of modge podge and gllitter. I thought about the people I'm lucky enough to love (and who, try as they might, cannot help but love me back).
Anyhoozle, yeah. It was a weird day. I didn't even eat ONE PASTA NOODLE today. Who AM I anymore?! And even though I didn't make it to the gym, I toooootally thought seriously about considering going to a yoga class. Did I just brush my teeth before bed?? I THINK I DID. See? Seriously...it was a weird day.
But whatever. I love my family. Every single day, I love them them more than I thought I ever could. And although I don't say it enough, you guys truly complete me. You had me at "Wait, so is 'Pharon' a boy or a girl?"
Now, I know I SHOULD wash the glitter off my hands, face, and (somehow) feet but I'm not going to. Some things never change.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
This Post Is 100% Organic
I got on this kick today where I wanted to cook something. Nothing too complicated or with too many ingredients, just SOMETHING. For some reason I still don't truly understand, I decided to go all health-food kicky too. I thought "Hey, I'll buy health food just like everyone else."
Well, thanks for NOTHING "everyone else." Because of you even grocery shopping is hard. By the way, 99% of my friends and loved ones eat very healthily. I know. So I hope you health nuts will take this post with a grain of basmati rice. (See what I did there!?)
Okay, so Pharon Going Health Food Shopping is a lot like Pharon Doing Long Division In Her Head. It's never truly been done before. And if it HAS been done before? It was purely unintentional and likely misguided. But I went to the stupid grocery store to buy stupid non-bagels. First, I made a list:
* green leaves of some sort
* NO BAGELS
Pretty succinct list, if you ask me. So anyways, off I go to buy god-knows-what.
The lame thing about health foods is that a lot of them are either 1) disgusting or 2) obscenely expensive because people put these trendy foods so high on a pedestal that only people who are truly COMMITTED to eating like a bird can buy them.
Note/Proof of Theory: I went on the search for some shelled edamame in my regular grocery store. I couldn't find any so I asked "Yo, where's the edamame?" And the dude was all "Ugh, they put in the 'organic' section so they can jack up the price. You KNOW it's just soy beans, right?" I was all "Thanks for your honesty, broseph."
UGH. ORGANIC SECTION. May as well call it "Food For Rich People."
That's where I end up having to buy a bunch of stuff. After getting the edamame for a billion dollars, I had to find my favorite drink: Skim milk. I LOVE milk. I pound skim milk like it's water and I've just run a marathon. But APPARENTLY it's not good for you (thanks for nothing, Every Health Class Ever). So I go searching for this soy dairy-free meatless vegetarian tofu type of milk. I couldn't find it anywhere.
Oh, silly me! It's NOT in the refrigerated section! The MILK is on a SHELF with RICE! GROSS!
Still shaken by putting a warm box of "milk" in my cart, I had to find quinoa. Now, I've actually made/bought/eaten quinoa and liked it a lot. But now, since it's all part of this nutso health craze, they apparently jacked up the price. For the price of a little bag of those quinoa seed-looking things, I could have gotten like 10 toys in the dollar aisle at Target. (Mental math: That's $10 on seeds that I need to cook and eat.) Now, I love protein-packed seeds as much as the next guy, but come ON!
Finally, I had to get out of thehigh-rollers club "organic section" and made a beeline for more familiar territory. The bread aisle. I was trying to find this bread that my mom likes. It too is apparently free of carbs/wheat/sugar/nomnom/taste, but I tried some and liked it. (I do find it odd that the so-called good-for-you-bread is wrapped in more plastic than Barbie. Healthy!) But, annoyingly, I couldn't even find the bread. I was too nervous that I'd accidentally buy 12 bags of bagels while I was in the aisle so I made yet another beeline for the checkout counter.
I stood there while the girl swiped veggies, lettuce, unsweetened applesauce, fake milk, soy beans, seeds and some nuts and was DISGUSTED at how much I had to shell out for FOOD that is supposedly "NATURAL." WTF?! If it's so "natural" why does it cost more than something with 156 ingredients and chemicals? That stuff isn't FREE, you know.
I fought the urge to return all that "food" in favor of ready-made frozen meals and sooooooo many kinds of cheese. I could have saved a billion dollars. But no. I came home, ate some nuts and then locked away my food in a safe with my car title, ring insurance form and other things I can't afford to have stolen.
Well, thanks for NOTHING "everyone else." Because of you even grocery shopping is hard. By the way, 99% of my friends and loved ones eat very healthily. I know. So I hope you health nuts will take this post with a grain of basmati rice. (See what I did there!?)
Okay, so Pharon Going Health Food Shopping is a lot like Pharon Doing Long Division In Her Head. It's never truly been done before. And if it HAS been done before? It was purely unintentional and likely misguided. But I went to the stupid grocery store to buy stupid non-bagels. First, I made a list:
* green leaves of some sort
* NO BAGELS
Pretty succinct list, if you ask me. So anyways, off I go to buy god-knows-what.
The lame thing about health foods is that a lot of them are either 1) disgusting or 2) obscenely expensive because people put these trendy foods so high on a pedestal that only people who are truly COMMITTED to eating like a bird can buy them.
Note/Proof of Theory: I went on the search for some shelled edamame in my regular grocery store. I couldn't find any so I asked "Yo, where's the edamame?" And the dude was all "Ugh, they put in the 'organic' section so they can jack up the price. You KNOW it's just soy beans, right?" I was all "Thanks for your honesty, broseph."
UGH. ORGANIC SECTION. May as well call it "Food For Rich People."
That's where I end up having to buy a bunch of stuff. After getting the edamame for a billion dollars, I had to find my favorite drink: Skim milk. I LOVE milk. I pound skim milk like it's water and I've just run a marathon. But APPARENTLY it's not good for you (thanks for nothing, Every Health Class Ever). So I go searching for this soy dairy-free meatless vegetarian tofu type of milk. I couldn't find it anywhere.
Oh, silly me! It's NOT in the refrigerated section! The MILK is on a SHELF with RICE! GROSS!
Still shaken by putting a warm box of "milk" in my cart, I had to find quinoa. Now, I've actually made/bought/eaten quinoa and liked it a lot. But now, since it's all part of this nutso health craze, they apparently jacked up the price. For the price of a little bag of those quinoa seed-looking things, I could have gotten like 10 toys in the dollar aisle at Target. (Mental math: That's $10 on seeds that I need to cook and eat.) Now, I love protein-packed seeds as much as the next guy, but come ON!
Finally, I had to get out of the
I stood there while the girl swiped veggies, lettuce, unsweetened applesauce, fake milk, soy beans, seeds and some nuts and was DISGUSTED at how much I had to shell out for FOOD that is supposedly "NATURAL." WTF?! If it's so "natural" why does it cost more than something with 156 ingredients and chemicals? That stuff isn't FREE, you know.
I fought the urge to return all that "food" in favor of ready-made frozen meals and sooooooo many kinds of cheese. I could have saved a billion dollars. But no. I came home, ate some nuts and then locked away my food in a safe with my car title, ring insurance form and other things I can't afford to have stolen.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Headache
I know it's Sunday, and I'm supposed to have a wealth of hilarious weekend stories to discuss (or at least one very serious pet peeve) but I don't have it in me. I have a raging headache brought on by over-indulging in online shopping and too much cheering during the Vikings game (SKOL!) and possibly the bloody Mary or three I had during the game. So yeah. I'm going to go to bed and hope that whatever is smashing concrete bricks in my head will also take a break.
Meanwhile, I'll leave you with a mini-story/rant. I went to Target this morning because I just wanted to find some guacamole, face lotion, dish soap and slippers. (Let it be known that for the first time ever I didn't get ANYTHING extra at target. It was insane.) Everything was going great until I got to the slippers. I really just wanted a smooshy, comfy pair of Minnetonka Moccasin knock offs. So, I aim directly towards the kids aisle.
Yes, I have child-sized feet and like to save some Benjamins. Let's build a bridge and get over it.
Stupid Target apparently doesn't GET that adults shop in their shoe section every once in awhile. I had like 3 options: bedazzled mocs, Dora mocs and tan mocs with Hello Kitty laces.
WTF, Target?
So, not only do I have a headache, but my feet are cold. And it's all Target's fault. Anyway, that is all.
Meanwhile, I'll leave you with a mini-story/rant. I went to Target this morning because I just wanted to find some guacamole, face lotion, dish soap and slippers. (Let it be known that for the first time ever I didn't get ANYTHING extra at target. It was insane.) Everything was going great until I got to the slippers. I really just wanted a smooshy, comfy pair of Minnetonka Moccasin knock offs. So, I aim directly towards the kids aisle.
Yes, I have child-sized feet and like to save some Benjamins. Let's build a bridge and get over it.
Stupid Target apparently doesn't GET that adults shop in their shoe section every once in awhile. I had like 3 options: bedazzled mocs, Dora mocs and tan mocs with Hello Kitty laces.
WTF, Target?
So, not only do I have a headache, but my feet are cold. And it's all Target's fault. Anyway, that is all.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
It's a Walk
Well, I've officially lost it. I resorted to such inane and arbitrary behavior tonight that I barely know who I even am anymore. I was stressed, anxious, excited, annoyed and frustrated, so I did something I never thought I'd do.
I went on a run.
Before you get it twisted, my "run" turned into a "walk" by the end of my block. But I had to get out of my apartment. My friend Kelly is having a baby in Iowa, my BFF Madeline was watching TV with her boyf in Illinois and Geo is doing whatever boys do in Alabama. I felt displaced. I felt sad. I finally had that feeling like "I'm going crazy."
And I had recently listened to the recent Good Guys to Know podcast where the Good Guys interviewed a dude who felt lost and annoyed and frustrated and he started running. He talked about how much better he felt after he started running and so I just did it. I put on my running shoes (without socks! WHAT?!) and just wanted to feel the pavement under my shoes.
So yeah, a block later, I was panting and still stressed out. So I slowed it down and walked. For a billion blocks. I walked and I walked and it was super dark out and scary, but I just kept walking. I thought about missing my friends and being sad that some of my dearest friends are hundreds of miles away and how I just wanted to talk to Geo and whether or not I'll ever find a wedding dress. So I just walked until I got over myself.
Then I got scared. I mean, I'm an adorable woman in a giant city! Also? I took a shower this morning and brushed my hair, so I'm lookin' my best. Meanwhile, I'm walking down strange streets with dark clothes on with only my keys to keep me safe. I was prime pickins.
The thoughts that ran through my head were: "Oh man, it's windy. And cold. I wonder if Kelly's going to have her baby tonight? Do I turn my engagement ring out so it can hurt someone I punch, or do I flip it inside to discourage muggers? What if I never find a wedding dress? What if I never have a baby? Did that car just almost sideswipe me?! OMG, I love the smell of Fall! I hope all my friends find someone as amazeballs as Geo. If Geo was here, and I got mugged, he'd totally just take off running. Are feathers tacky on a wedding dress? Why am I so obessed with my wedding when I know that's supes annoying? Is there any chance Kate Spade knows how much I totes love her stuff? Do I have any mac n' cheese at home? Why do carbs taste so good when they are so bad? Did I do enough work today? Will my mom and dad like my wedding? Why don't people wear socks with their running shoes? These things are going to be nastballs when I get home. I wonder if smaller feet smell worse than bigger feet."
After my very real concerns diluted into totally stupid thoughts, I turned around and headed for home. No, I didn't solve anything. No, I didn't actually figure anything out. And most importantly, NO, I didn't get mugged. However, I realized that there's just a lot of crazy things going on right now and for once, I guess I'm just one of those crazy things.
I went on a run.
Before you get it twisted, my "run" turned into a "walk" by the end of my block. But I had to get out of my apartment. My friend Kelly is having a baby in Iowa, my BFF Madeline was watching TV with her boyf in Illinois and Geo is doing whatever boys do in Alabama. I felt displaced. I felt sad. I finally had that feeling like "I'm going crazy."
And I had recently listened to the recent Good Guys to Know podcast where the Good Guys interviewed a dude who felt lost and annoyed and frustrated and he started running. He talked about how much better he felt after he started running and so I just did it. I put on my running shoes (without socks! WHAT?!) and just wanted to feel the pavement under my shoes.
So yeah, a block later, I was panting and still stressed out. So I slowed it down and walked. For a billion blocks. I walked and I walked and it was super dark out and scary, but I just kept walking. I thought about missing my friends and being sad that some of my dearest friends are hundreds of miles away and how I just wanted to talk to Geo and whether or not I'll ever find a wedding dress. So I just walked until I got over myself.
Then I got scared. I mean, I'm an adorable woman in a giant city! Also? I took a shower this morning and brushed my hair, so I'm lookin' my best. Meanwhile, I'm walking down strange streets with dark clothes on with only my keys to keep me safe. I was prime pickins.
The thoughts that ran through my head were: "Oh man, it's windy. And cold. I wonder if Kelly's going to have her baby tonight? Do I turn my engagement ring out so it can hurt someone I punch, or do I flip it inside to discourage muggers? What if I never find a wedding dress? What if I never have a baby? Did that car just almost sideswipe me?! OMG, I love the smell of Fall! I hope all my friends find someone as amazeballs as Geo. If Geo was here, and I got mugged, he'd totally just take off running. Are feathers tacky on a wedding dress? Why am I so obessed with my wedding when I know that's supes annoying? Is there any chance Kate Spade knows how much I totes love her stuff? Do I have any mac n' cheese at home? Why do carbs taste so good when they are so bad? Did I do enough work today? Will my mom and dad like my wedding? Why don't people wear socks with their running shoes? These things are going to be nastballs when I get home. I wonder if smaller feet smell worse than bigger feet."
After my very real concerns diluted into totally stupid thoughts, I turned around and headed for home. No, I didn't solve anything. No, I didn't actually figure anything out. And most importantly, NO, I didn't get mugged. However, I realized that there's just a lot of crazy things going on right now and for once, I guess I'm just one of those crazy things.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Dear Crabby
Gee, let's see if I can pry myself away from this stimulating pissing contest (a.k.a The Presidential Debate) to tend to the issues that REAL Americans are dealing with. Dear Crabby for President!
Dear Crabby,
I've been texting with a dude for a couple weeks now, and we've been out twice, but I think he's losing interest. Any tips for spicing up some texts to be a little flirtier and get another date on the books?
Thanks!
Vexed with Texts
Oh, HAI, Vexed with Texts-
I hate to break this to you, but flirting via text is probably the easiest thing on the planet. I'm pretty sure I accidentally flirted with my automatically-generated bill pay reminder text yesterday. As my friend Rachel and I discussed earlier today, texting is, in fact, the EASIEST medium to use for flirting. You can take your time with responses, ask friends for opinions, proofread it and easily dismiss miscommunications with "Ugh. Texting..." The trick to flirting via text is to keep it vague. If he says "What're you up to tonight?" Don't say "Clipping my toenails on my couch while reading back issues of InStyle and eating a loaf of bread dipped in melted butter. You?" Keep it mysterious and short. Try something like "Chillin. May head out for a drink or something." Then just throw in a few "I just got out of the shower" or "Sorry it took so long to get back to you, I was busy participating in a bikini contest," statements and you're golden, Pony Boy.
Dear Crabby,
Oooookay. This is a dumb question, I know. But I need a super objective opinion. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and he says that he doesn't want to get married. His brother is divorced, his parents are divorced, and he just says he doesn't think he's into marriage. Do you think that's a real concern for him, or just an excuse not to tie the knot?
Much appreciated,
I Do (Want To Know What's Up With My Boyfriend)
Dear IDWTKWUWMB-
How should I know? If you guys are super happy, I'd buy his argument, I guess. Why mess something up that's working when he's only seen how divorce can ruin that? On the other hand, if you guys have been fighting or whatever and you aren't happy, he might just not want to marry You. Whatever the case, I can tell you one universal truth: nagging him into a marriage he either doesn't want or doesn't believe in is probably the worst decision in the world.
Dear Crabby,
I know that thongs are, like, essential undergarments for certain types of attire, but I find myself so uncomfortable when I wear them. My friends have made fun of me because I don't actually OWN a pair of non-regular undies. Do you think that's weird? Do people really wear thong underwear and feel comfortable in them? I just don't see how that's possible.
Curious to Hear Your Answer,
Thongs Are Wrong
Sup, Thongs Are Wrong-
Dude, I don't know the underwear habits of other people, so I truly don't know what to tell you. Clearly thongs are popular, otherwise Victoria's Secret wouldn't exist. Plus, I only just realized that ladies don't wear underwear under Spanx (don't ask why that came up or why I feel like that's relevant to tell you now). So, I'm not exactly an underwear aficionado. (Side note: Is Underwear Aficionado a real thing? That'd be awesome.) Anyhoozle, no, it's probably not weird that you don't have thongs, but yes, people wear them and like them and you probably would too if you gave them a chance.
Okay, well, I feel as though I've tackled these big issues fairly and without increasing taxes on the middle-class. So, YAY for me! Meanwhile, I made it through about 45 minutes of the Presidential Debate before smashing my head into a brick wall and changing the channel to The Big Bang Theory. Bazinga, indeed. Make sure to email your questions to pharonsquare@gmail.com for next week!
Dear Crabby,
I've been texting with a dude for a couple weeks now, and we've been out twice, but I think he's losing interest. Any tips for spicing up some texts to be a little flirtier and get another date on the books?
Thanks!
Vexed with Texts
Oh, HAI, Vexed with Texts-
I hate to break this to you, but flirting via text is probably the easiest thing on the planet. I'm pretty sure I accidentally flirted with my automatically-generated bill pay reminder text yesterday. As my friend Rachel and I discussed earlier today, texting is, in fact, the EASIEST medium to use for flirting. You can take your time with responses, ask friends for opinions, proofread it and easily dismiss miscommunications with "Ugh. Texting..." The trick to flirting via text is to keep it vague. If he says "What're you up to tonight?" Don't say "Clipping my toenails on my couch while reading back issues of InStyle and eating a loaf of bread dipped in melted butter. You?" Keep it mysterious and short. Try something like "Chillin. May head out for a drink or something." Then just throw in a few "I just got out of the shower" or "Sorry it took so long to get back to you, I was busy participating in a bikini contest," statements and you're golden, Pony Boy.
Dear Crabby,
Oooookay. This is a dumb question, I know. But I need a super objective opinion. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and he says that he doesn't want to get married. His brother is divorced, his parents are divorced, and he just says he doesn't think he's into marriage. Do you think that's a real concern for him, or just an excuse not to tie the knot?
Much appreciated,
I Do (Want To Know What's Up With My Boyfriend)
Dear IDWTKWUWMB-
How should I know? If you guys are super happy, I'd buy his argument, I guess. Why mess something up that's working when he's only seen how divorce can ruin that? On the other hand, if you guys have been fighting or whatever and you aren't happy, he might just not want to marry You. Whatever the case, I can tell you one universal truth: nagging him into a marriage he either doesn't want or doesn't believe in is probably the worst decision in the world.
Dear Crabby,
I know that thongs are, like, essential undergarments for certain types of attire, but I find myself so uncomfortable when I wear them. My friends have made fun of me because I don't actually OWN a pair of non-regular undies. Do you think that's weird? Do people really wear thong underwear and feel comfortable in them? I just don't see how that's possible.
Curious to Hear Your Answer,
Thongs Are Wrong
Sup, Thongs Are Wrong-
Dude, I don't know the underwear habits of other people, so I truly don't know what to tell you. Clearly thongs are popular, otherwise Victoria's Secret wouldn't exist. Plus, I only just realized that ladies don't wear underwear under Spanx (don't ask why that came up or why I feel like that's relevant to tell you now). So, I'm not exactly an underwear aficionado. (Side note: Is Underwear Aficionado a real thing? That'd be awesome.) Anyhoozle, no, it's probably not weird that you don't have thongs, but yes, people wear them and like them and you probably would too if you gave them a chance.
Okay, well, I feel as though I've tackled these big issues fairly and without increasing taxes on the middle-class. So, YAY for me! Meanwhile, I made it through about 45 minutes of the Presidential Debate before smashing my head into a brick wall and changing the channel to The Big Bang Theory. Bazinga, indeed. Make sure to email your questions to pharonsquare@gmail.com for next week!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Boo Boo Kardashian
There has been a major thorn in my side lately. That thorn is the clan Kardashian. I can't stand them (except Khloe. Lhove her). They are annoying and self-righteous and entited and they have like a jillion shows showcasing how sucky they are. Then, BOOM. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo comes along and everyone's like "Gross! Poor people who are overweight? How ruinous for our society!" RUDE, people. RUDE.
Here are the reasons that Honey Boo Boo will always be better than Kim Kardashian.
1) Kim Kardashian is famous because she taped herself having sex and then released that tape to the public. Honey Boo Boo is famous because girl's got a killer personality and confidence and only wants to win an occassional beauty pageant.
2) Honey Boo Boo jumped into a giant pool of mud for the Redneck Games-FOR FREE. The Kardashians probs pay a billion dollars a year just to have that same mud smeared on their clogged pores.
3) Kim Kardashian did some rando publicity stunt by having her butt x-rayed to prove it was "real." The Boo Boo family just eats enough that everyone knows the plump is fo' realsies.
4) Boo Boo's sister had a baby out of wedlock. So did a Kardashian. Twice.
5) Boo Boo's mom and her boyfriend, Sugar Bear, don't see the point in getting married to prove their love. Kim Kardashian has been married TWICE. In case you forgot, once she was only married for 72 days before bailing. #sanctityofWHAT?
6) The Boo Boo's go mud bogging on 4-wheelers as a family. The Kardashians drive their borrowed Lamborghinis to publicity stunts.
7) Honey Boo Boo just wants to win a crown by being the little chubbers that she is. One of the Kardashian youngsters is optimizing an inevitable case of anorexia to parlay her "fame" into a modeling career.
8) The Boo Boo's play "Whose breath is that?" The Kardashians play "Whose sex tape is that?"
9) Sugar Bear (Boo Boo's dad) may or may not have teeth. Bruce Jenner may or may not have a human face.
10) Boo Boo's mom coupons for free toilet paper. Kardashians would happily pay $1 billion to have their faces printed on said toilet paper.
11) The Boo Boo's are a family who love each other and spend time together all the time. The Kardashians' have at least 3 TV contracts obliging them to hang out together in carefully scripted scenes.
12) The Kardashians talk out of their a$$es or through a publicist. Honey Boo Boo talks out of her belly, hilariously.
Moral of the story: The Kardashians are the kind of garbage that TV wants us think is great and the Boo Boos are the families we actually are, and TV has positioned as "trash". Psht. I'd pick Boo Boo every time.
Here are the reasons that Honey Boo Boo will always be better than Kim Kardashian.
1) Kim Kardashian is famous because she taped herself having sex and then released that tape to the public. Honey Boo Boo is famous because girl's got a killer personality and confidence and only wants to win an occassional beauty pageant.
2) Honey Boo Boo jumped into a giant pool of mud for the Redneck Games-FOR FREE. The Kardashians probs pay a billion dollars a year just to have that same mud smeared on their clogged pores.
3) Kim Kardashian did some rando publicity stunt by having her butt x-rayed to prove it was "real." The Boo Boo family just eats enough that everyone knows the plump is fo' realsies.
4) Boo Boo's sister had a baby out of wedlock. So did a Kardashian. Twice.
5) Boo Boo's mom and her boyfriend, Sugar Bear, don't see the point in getting married to prove their love. Kim Kardashian has been married TWICE. In case you forgot, once she was only married for 72 days before bailing. #sanctityofWHAT?
6) The Boo Boo's go mud bogging on 4-wheelers as a family. The Kardashians drive their borrowed Lamborghinis to publicity stunts.
7) Honey Boo Boo just wants to win a crown by being the little chubbers that she is. One of the Kardashian youngsters is optimizing an inevitable case of anorexia to parlay her "fame" into a modeling career.
8) The Boo Boo's play "Whose breath is that?" The Kardashians play "Whose sex tape is that?"
9) Sugar Bear (Boo Boo's dad) may or may not have teeth. Bruce Jenner may or may not have a human face.
10) Boo Boo's mom coupons for free toilet paper. Kardashians would happily pay $1 billion to have their faces printed on said toilet paper.
11) The Boo Boo's are a family who love each other and spend time together all the time. The Kardashians' have at least 3 TV contracts obliging them to hang out together in carefully scripted scenes.
12) The Kardashians talk out of their a$$es or through a publicist. Honey Boo Boo talks out of her belly, hilariously.
Moral of the story: The Kardashians are the kind of garbage that TV wants us think is great and the Boo Boos are the families we actually are, and TV has positioned as "trash". Psht. I'd pick Boo Boo every time.
Monday, October 1, 2012
I (Can't) Spy
So, I've been devouring a show called Revenge. Seriously: DEVOURING it. My friends Liz and Claire both watched it told me I'd like it. I put it off because I hate it when people tell me to do something. Then I started watching it and I couldn't STOP watching it. I've watched all the eps on Netflix and I'm allllll caught up for the new season.
Even though most of you guys don't watch Revenge, I'll give a brief rundown in order to justify the point of this post. It's about a chick who's dad was killed by a bunch of gajillionaires in the Hamptons when she was a kid. As an adult, she shows back up in the Hamptons with a new identity, a bangin' bod and one thought on her mind: REVENGE.
So yeah, she's back to spy on those who destroyed her father and just wants to destroy them. She's smart, brassy, sneaky, vindictive and an insanely good sense of fashion. Emily/Amanda is awesome.
With that in mind, I'd like to present a list of reasons why I would never make a good spy.
* I am never a step ahead of anyone.
* I never have a Plan B. I'm always like "Let's stick to the plan at all costs." If something goes wrong, I can't adjust or just go with it. I just assume everything's ruined.
* I can't casually overhear conversations without totally reacting to it, giving myself away
* I only have one wig...a purple bob. But I don't even know where it is.
* My ability to make up lies on the fly is horribly underdeveloped
* I'm not "ready for anything"
* While I may be able to punch someone, I can't take a hit to save my life. One slap across my cheek and I tear up like a tiny baby
* I just don't have the attention span. I once got curious about a friend I had in college. We were really good friends and then she turned out to be a total skeez. Anyways, I wondered what she was up to, hoping she was fat, so I tried to track her down. After 2.3 minutes of looking on Facebook, I gave up and just decided she was fat.
* I'm not a "multiple stop" person. I HATE making a couple stops when I could just go to Target or whatever and get everything done at once. Spies can't do that. They have to like spread out their purchases of rope and duct tape and hidden microphones or whatever so they don't get caught. Sounds like it's way too inefficient for me.
* I'd probably just get too emotionally attached to whomever I'm supposed to be busy destroying
* I DO know who my real friends are
* I get lost all the time
* I've never been able to keep secrets
* I don't have a fireplace to burn pictures/evidence in
* It's never business with me, it's always personal
Yeah, so that's...well, that's a list of reasons why I'm not a spy. I'm sure you'll all update your diaries accordingly.
Even though most of you guys don't watch Revenge, I'll give a brief rundown in order to justify the point of this post. It's about a chick who's dad was killed by a bunch of gajillionaires in the Hamptons when she was a kid. As an adult, she shows back up in the Hamptons with a new identity, a bangin' bod and one thought on her mind: REVENGE.
So yeah, she's back to spy on those who destroyed her father and just wants to destroy them. She's smart, brassy, sneaky, vindictive and an insanely good sense of fashion. Emily/Amanda is awesome.
With that in mind, I'd like to present a list of reasons why I would never make a good spy.
* I am never a step ahead of anyone.
* I never have a Plan B. I'm always like "Let's stick to the plan at all costs." If something goes wrong, I can't adjust or just go with it. I just assume everything's ruined.
* I can't casually overhear conversations without totally reacting to it, giving myself away
* I only have one wig...a purple bob. But I don't even know where it is.
* My ability to make up lies on the fly is horribly underdeveloped
* I'm not "ready for anything"
* While I may be able to punch someone, I can't take a hit to save my life. One slap across my cheek and I tear up like a tiny baby
* I just don't have the attention span. I once got curious about a friend I had in college. We were really good friends and then she turned out to be a total skeez. Anyways, I wondered what she was up to, hoping she was fat, so I tried to track her down. After 2.3 minutes of looking on Facebook, I gave up and just decided she was fat.
* I'm not a "multiple stop" person. I HATE making a couple stops when I could just go to Target or whatever and get everything done at once. Spies can't do that. They have to like spread out their purchases of rope and duct tape and hidden microphones or whatever so they don't get caught. Sounds like it's way too inefficient for me.
* I'd probably just get too emotionally attached to whomever I'm supposed to be busy destroying
* I DO know who my real friends are
* I get lost all the time
* I've never been able to keep secrets
* I don't have a fireplace to burn pictures/evidence in
* It's never business with me, it's always personal
Yeah, so that's...well, that's a list of reasons why I'm not a spy. I'm sure you'll all update your diaries accordingly.
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