Monday, August 5, 2013

Hot Couture

I've been doing so much worrying lately. Worrying about everything from table numbers to centerpieces to figuring out how to squeeze a workout in during times when I can watch Friends at the gym. It's been a lot of work. But I forgot about a major source of anxiety.

I'm going to be hot at my wedding. Very hot. And not even because of Mother Nature. So far, the forecast has not called for fiery hot breath air, so I ridiculously assumed I'd be okay. But I'm totally freaking out.

I tried on my wedding dress tonight. My sister Padrin, who is my Maid of Honor, came into town for the week so I wanted to show her how I looked in it. It was...a disaster. We pulled it out of the bag where it hung looking so peaceful and lovely. But then I got my sweaty paws on it.

We were in the comfort of an air conditioned home at my parents house when my mom and Padrin slipped the dress over my head. And that's where all hell broke loose. The back of the dress was still partly done up, so the skinniest part couldn't clear my shoulders. I got stuck in the dress...halfway on, halfway off. I was a baby in the birth canal. No wonder babies cry so much.

I couldn't pull it up, I couldn't pull it down. I got extremely claustrophobic and very, VERY hot. Beads of sweat were rolling down my back and all the way down to my knees. If I could have spared the moisture from my body that was pouring out of every pore on my skin, I would have been crying. Instead, I just panicked and could feel every part of my body screaming to be released from the intense discomfort.

It took roughly 634 minutes for my mom and sister to loosen up the back enough to pull it down. By the time they did, I was a mess.

My entire body was sweating, from my forehead to my ankles. My hair was all matted and stuck to my face. The dress got stuck on every hot inch of my skin and it caught on my hips, butt and back. My thighs were stuck together and somehow the sweat turned into super glue and I couldn't seem to move my bottom half. There was so much tulle and netting and fabric piled on top of my gluey skin that I worried I would pass out.

I insisted that I had to take it off and start over. "Let me just do it myself," I demanded. "I can't have people touching me when I get this thing on. Just get away." My sister stepped away from the devil (a.k.a. me in a heat panic) and was like "Gladly, you hot, sweaty nightmare!" I finally got it on. Tried my shoes on, picked out the jewelry and glanced in the mirror long enough to be like "Hmm. You look real purdy, Pharon." But I could feel that the sweat was not relenting. It was somehow pooling into the back of my knees and all I could think of was ripping the dress off and running around butt-naked like a maniac.

I seriously can't remember the last time I was that hot. And I'll be in that dress for like 12 hours. What if I never cool down? What if my skin starts melting and all my pores close up and then I just internally combust? I mean, that could happen, right?!

For all the outward factors I've been concerned about over the past few months, I have seriously forgotten that I am my own biggest threat. With one heat-induced panic attack, I could ruin the whole day for myself. And then what? I can't get all angry-hot and lash out at the pastor or the DJ or (most likely) Geo, so I'll probably just end up quietly taking a bath inside my dress and trying to slip pieces of ice down my dress without anyone noticing.

OMG, I'm seriously sweating just thinking about this. Have any brides out there experienced the same heat-induced panic fears? Any tips for cooling down my vital organs so I don't break out in scarlet fever or something?? Anyone?! HELP!

1 comment:

Taylor Haddock said...

When I was waiting to walk down the aisle I was shaking so bad and at one point yelled out "WHERE ARE THE BOUQUETS???!!" and all my bridesmaids looked at me weird and said, "We are holding them in our hands."
THEN, I realized I had forgotten my "something blue" back in the room. I FREAKED. I told my dad he had to go get it, that I couldn't walk down the aisle without it. Everyone tried to soothe me, but there was no way I was going without it. After the bridesmaids started walking and it was about my turn to go, I was still refusing so my dad turned to me and said, "It's not about luck, it's about love. Let's go!" And I went, and it was AMAZING. All nerves were gone when I saw Josh. I know that sounds hokey and not true, but it truly happened that way. That, and I discovered that I very much enjoyed being a princess and the center of attention for one day.

You will be fine. You will freak, but then you will be fine and it will be AWESOME.

By the way, my something blue was with me the whole time, I had forgotten that I had tucked it into my bouquet.