Monday, August 26, 2013

Teen angst

There is 100% nothing worse than a teenage girl. I've never raised one, but I WAS one, and it was a time of fiercely angry hormones, mean friends and just basically the worst time ever. I was reminded today of how much I loathe teenage girls today when I went to get my gel manicure removed. It was like 4 p.m. and I was in my gym clothes (Yes, I hate myself already) and I sat next to the anxiest (is that a word? According to spell check, no...but whatever) teenage girl on the planet.

She was probably 15 and she sat there, with her fancy little pedicure and manicure setting and then asked for a pillow for her back because their chairs were uncomfortable. Then this little twerp looked ME up and down as I sat next to her and goes "What, do you do yoga at CorePower?" And I got inexplicably intimidated by this girl. I mumbled "Uh, no. Just regular gym stuff." And seeing as how this level of "workout" wasn't in her milieu, she scoffed and went back to her dumbass phone with the world's most stupid phone cover.

See, teenage girls are dicks. For as self-conscious and insecure as they are, they are equally rude and bratty. I hate them. And I CAN hate them because I WAS one. I was a horrible, nasty, rude, bratty little girl like every other teenage girl on the planet.

But the difference is that now they don't even WANT to be teenagers. Suddenly being in the financial prime of your life (you don't need a job and you hopefully have zero bills) is not enough. Teenage girls have ridiculously decided to try and be, like, 22. Girls? I hate to break it to you, but 22 ain't all that. It's not all just pantsless raves and big apartments and hilarious STD scares. It's not being in rap videos and expensive lunch dates with friends. It sucks. It's hard and, I hate to break it to you, but you still get zits.

I don't know who to blame for this. On the one hand, obvs, I'd blame the parents. Stop making adulthood look cool! On the other hand, I want to blame celebs. Hey, Miley, we get it! You're not a teen anymore and you have antlers and a onesie and are making (arguably) some of my favorite songs! And on the OTHER hand (there are several hands, here) I want to blame over-achieving 20-somethings who insist on making success look easy. But on the other OTHER hand, I want to blame the girls themselves for not being smart enough to realize that getting older is dumb. Adults get fired and go into debt and have trouble getting pregnant and have to pay for new brakes and aren't "naturally skinny" anymore and have meetings instead of recess and can't find a man and have breakdowns and can't go back to the blissful days of being a teenager.

So, if any idiot teenage girls are reading this, you should know that being an adult is hard and it's SUPER DUMB sometimes. Sure, we can drink, but that's only because we have to drown out the harsh realities of adulthood. If the hardest thing you have going for you is whether or not your mom will pick you up on time from your manicure, do me a solid and just stay a teenager for as long as is socially acceptable. But, you know, you don't have to be a jackwad about it. 

No comments: