Sunday, July 28, 2013

Naked and Obsessed

I had a few hours this weekend when my brain was in desperate need of a vacation. I'm now less than two weeks from the wedding and I'm getting more than a little annoyed by my brain. It keeps overthinking things and freaking out and being downright annoying. "Oh, hey. You wanted to sleep through the night? Tough break. I'm going to wake you up with a rush of fears and anxieties and mental checklists. Have fun!"

Anyway, so I gave myself a break for a bit and turned on the ol' boob tube this weekend. My dearest form of distraction. And what I tuned in to couldn't have been better. Have you guys seen that show "Naked and Afraid"?? It's bonkers. BON.KERS. It's just a man and a woman dropped into the middle of nowhere with nothing. Including clothes. They have to survive in nature for 21 days. They are, very often, afraid. And always and completely naked. I'm obsessed with this show.

So yeah. I caught a bunch of episodes during a glorious marathon. It really made me think: I could never even get to the point where I would agree to be naked in a jungle. Or a desert. Or the bayou. Or even my own living room. Even the thought of those situations puts me into a sweaty panic and makes me very, very Afraid.

I tried to think of whether or not I could ever even survive in the wild, clothes or not. I don't know how to hunt, build a fire, construct a shelter or decipher which poisonous spiders are edible and which will give me malaria or whatever. I'm also very afraid of mice, fish and anything that crawls, slithers or walks on more than two feet. I do, however, have SOME skills which may be useful in the wild.

1) I can go days - DAYS - without showering and be okay with it.
2) I could be very well rested since I am a heavy sleeper. Hyenas nearby? Never heard them, but thanks, random stranger, for saving my life.
3) I could probably make, like, a rope or something because I'm suuuuuuuuuuuper good at braiding.
4) I can make a loon sound with my hands. And everyone knows that loons are nature's bodyguards.
5) My fingernails grow SUPER fast, so I could like carve them into a knife or spear or shiv or something.
6) When I was little, I used to eat birch bark, grass and the occasional ant. I'm pretty sure that could come in handy somehow.
7) And while I have no sense of direction whatsoever, I DO know that the sun sets in the west, which I think could be important.
8) I could probably make a cute outfit out of some palm fronds.

Meh. I'd be terrible in nature. Especially if I had to be naked. I'd be all self-conscious and giggling and mad at the plants and animals around me for judging the size of my hips. It'd be the worst thing ever. What do you think? Could you guys survive out there?

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