Sunday, July 7, 2013

I'm Back! (I think)

I'm sure we're ALL getting tired of my apologies for lack of posts lately. And yet, still I feel inclined to explain myself. Like, the principal has called me into his office and I start apologizing for skipping class when all he wanted to talk about in the first place was why I forged my parking permit.

Oh, high school...

Anyways, yeah, I'm sorry for being such the worst blogger lately. But you guys? UGH! I need some help. Probably of the Professional variety, but you'll work in a pinch. I'm CRANKY lately. Not just like "I-woke-up-with-a-hangover-and-there's-some-weird-incessant-beeping-outside-my-window-so-I'm-going-to-punch-someone" cranky, but like, CRANKY. I tried explaining myself to Geo this week when he was like "I feel bad that you're so stressed out about life lately" and I literally responded with "Wouldn't YOU like to know!" He was like "Oh...that....totally made sense."

Not only am I cranky, but I'm also going insane. Double-whammy.

The worst part about being cranky is that I'm worried that I'm losing my childlike sense of humor. In the past 5 days, the following things have happened: Ally and I hatched elaborate (and still unexecuted) plans to break into our friend Kim's backyard pool, I saw a rabbit eating what appeared to be another rabbit and only briefly considered if that rabbit was like "Meh, tastes like chicken," I almost farted in front of Geo, I thought I saw Flo from the Progressive commercials and got excited, but it turned out to be a man (ouch), I ate a grilled cheese sandwich that was NOT grilled (meaning it was a piece of bread with unmelted shredded cheese on top of it), and I think I got a sunburn on my top lip so now it feels like there's a caterpillar snuggling into my skin.

And yet, none of them prompted me to write a hilarious, enjoyable post.

But I swear: I will change my ways and regress back to a time when I found things like this not only funny, but worthy of a 300-word blog post. I will not let the cranky get to me anymore. I will take back control of my life, my sense of humor and my uncanny way of making people laugh because I have convinced myself that dogs like me so much because I have an ulcer or something and they are trying to warn me before it ruptures.

And for the record, I DIDN'T forge the parking pass in high school, I simply utilized the technology at my disposal to make a clever copy and highlight the vulnerabilities of the system. YOU'RE WELCOME.

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