For Sale

Wowza. It's WAAAAY past my bedtime. But Geo and I went to see his friend Grant's new house, and before we knew it, we were downing cheese puff balls and finding out what vodka, wine, and cheese balls do to a body. I'm otherwise consumed with the moving process, though. Sorry. BUT! Great news for everyone looking for stuff to buy! Here's what I'm selling on craigslist. Unless you want to tempt the fates and let some crazy rando come to my house and buy this stuff and then possibly stab me, you should snatch it up!!

Do you like to sit or lay down? Then these couches are for you. They are made of fabric and have a nice, soft cushiony feel to them. Like the Williams' sisters, they work best as a pair.

Needless to say, this priceless armoir is a masterpiece in Swedish construction. Designed by IKEA and hand put-together by a half-Swedish gal (me), this feat in design is great for putting your clothes into.

I mostly used this desk as a third closet. It's very useful for storing: clean laundry, dirty laundry, pants, towels, shoes, and kickboxing wrist wraps. Also, I hear you can put a computer in there and store all your important files. Handy!

WOW. This TV stand sure can hold a lot of things. It's all metal and glass, so it's like crazy simple to keep clean. And it basically blends in with all your decor since you can barely see it under all those cords and gadgets. What a steal! (Meanwhile, none of the items pictured are included with the sale of the TV stand. They are only there to show how awesome this thing is at holding important stuff.)

And finally, these bar stools are awesome resources to have when you'd like your guests to be able to sit down. They are comfortable, easy to clean (or so I'm told by the people who clean them), and the best part is that they can be used outside. We've had them on our deck for one year, and they still look bad amazing.

So stop on by and buy all this crap, wouldja?! I need to get this moved out, or I risk breaking my back trying to move it myself. Would you want that kind of injury on your conscience? I highly doubt it. Just do, guys. Buy my furniture so I don't have to move it.

Thanks!

Dear Crabby

Obligatory temperature update: It's officially hotter inside my house than it is outside now. What's going on? It's 90 inside, and 89 outside. I know that one degree shouldn't make a difference, but it does. So, I'm comin' atcha from the front porch. It's breezy and dark and juuuuuuuust nice enough to take me from beyotchy to crabby. With that said, here are tonight's Dear Crabby questions!!

Dear Crabby,

I know this sounds weird, but I have a bully...AT WORK. She's always putting me down in front of our co-workers and takes jabs at me in meetings, and just generally doesn't hide her hatred of me. I have literally NO IDEA what her problem is with me. We hardly work together, and when we do, I'm courteous, nice, efficient, and accurate. What gives? What can I do to get her off my back?

Thanks, Crabby!
-Bullied in Brooklyn Park

Dear Bullied in Brooklyn Park,

UGH! Don't you just HATE the Office Bully? They're the worst. I've met a few in my day, and usually I just try and steer clear altogether. However, when you need to work WITH them, like it sounds like you do, it's tougher. Here's the way I see it: If they are going to sink to such childish levels, why can't you? Fill the office coffee pot with laxatives. Sure, the whole office could be affected, but it'll make him/her focus on their not-so-dependable bowels instead of you. Just make sure you bring your own coffee to work. Or stick some thumbtacks in their chair. Or just, you know, speak up when he/she calls you out. You can stand up for yourself in meetings, or just whenever he/she tries to call you out. If you're doing your job well, and you give yourself some credit, you are your best advocate. Just speak up. Oh, and also? Maybe just like always correct his/her grammar in front of people. You'll sound rude, for sure, but you'll also make him/her sound silly. Do any of these things or just, I don't know, quit and work somewhere with a more supportive group of coworkers.

Dear Crabby,

Did you hear J. Lo and Skeletor Marc Anthony broke up? What do you think happened? If those kids can't make it, what chance do I have in making a relationship work?

Take Care,
Amy From the Block

Dear Amy From the Block,

First off, you have the exact same chance of making a relationship work that you had last week. J. Lo and Marc Anthony are both crazy big superstars. Unless you appear regularly on TMZ, you have nothing to worry about. Normal people (Read: Not Famous) are infinitely better adjusted to real life than celebrities. So, don't worry about that. Secondly, what do I think happened? I think J. Lo's head got a little too big after American Idol and she probably started demanding that Mr. Lo do things like spit-shine her bedazzled shoes. Not having any of that, he obvs started being all "Hey, I'm an internationally known star. I've got fans, lady. I'll start making better use of my groupies and my dressing room." Needless to say, I'm sure $hit hit the fan, and one of them had to give in. Blah blah blah, irreconcilable differences, blah blah blah, broken home. See? This is why famous people should never marry another famous person. They go around getting married and having babies just to stay relevant. It's such a shame. Won't someone think of the (illegitimate) children?!

Dear Crabby,

I just got these incredibly cute pair of heels with a sick discount from a sample sale. They're not quite my size, but I thought I'd make 'em work anyway. But the fact is, they're too small. What can I do? Do I sell them?? Keep them and never wear them? HELP!

Thank you!!
Biggest Fan EVER!

Dear Biggest Fan EVER!,

It's always really awesome to hear from a fan, biggest one or not. Thanks for your support! My answer to your question is simple: Get Over It. Shoes can hurt. Are they just BARELY too small? Like one or two sizes too small? Build a bridge, lady, and get over it. You'll probably look hot. If you just can't stand the pain of fashion, though, wear them on occasions when you'll be sitting down a lot. Then people can SEE them, but you don't have to bust out the Dr. Scholl's just yet. Something I like to do is wear my favoritest, most uncomfortable shoes to, say, the grocery store. I call it "breaking them in". Wearing uncomfortable shoes in a casual setting takes the proverbial pressure off, and lets you just enjoy your sexy stems. If all else fails, though, wear them to a place with an open bar, or half-price wine night. You'll be too tipsy to care about your tootsies then. But if you LOVE them, and they were a STEAL, do NOT SELL THEM. Keep them. If YOU can't wear them, save them for a deserving niece or best friend who will appreciate them like you do. Oh, and if you DO wear them out, invest in a foot bath to come home to. Then you can soak your frazzled feet after dazzling everyone with your impeccable style.

Alright, guys. That does it for another week. I'm sweating and exhausted. These were awesome questions tonight! Thanks to those who submitted, and those who DIDN'T?! FOR SHAME. Next time, work this email address into your life: pharonsquare@gmail.com. I swear I'll help you. Or, well, it's entirely possible I'll make things worse. But it's probably like 50/50. Care to take a chance??

Hot Stuff

Today's temperature reached a sticky 88 degrees. What's that? You say that doesn't sound so bad? Oh, did I forget to mention that that's the temperature INSIDE MY HOUSE?! Gaaaaross. I've lost approximately 26 pounds in sweat, which is nice only because I've eaten about 25 pounds in ice cream.

Most people would be all "Pharon, why don't you leave your house and go somewhere cool? Or, say, turn on the air conditioner in your room and post up in there?" Well, for starters, I like to be a martyr. How will everyone know the extent of my suffering if I don't constantly complain about it? And? Being in my rapidly emptying room is depressing. So, I'm sitting in our 88 degree living room, in the dark (I'm no scientist, but I think the lights are heating up the room too), and periodically dripping ice water down my face.

This heat has me going mad. I hopped in and out (and in and out and in and out) of a freezing cold shower tonight. Then I wandered around in my bathing suit for awhile, pretending I was at the beach. When that didn't work, I considered putting on my giant winter down coat and sweating it out. Then, when I took it off, it'd feel like the Arctic up in here. Just looking at the heavy coat sent my sweat glands into overdrive though. This place is just too hot. Straight up.

So you can imagine my reaction to the last-minute call from my landlady informing me today that she would be showing our sauna house - in 45 minutes. I was all "Really? Didn't we talk about this whole 'give us 24 hours notice?' thing already??" And she was basically all "Whatevs. Sorry. But not really." I was all "Okay, but it's a total pigsty and it's roughly Hades degrees in there." She countered with "I really don't care."

Fine. Have it your way. Best of luck you, too. There's no way a normal human being would walk into this steaming pit of crap and be all "This is my dream home! I must rent this place, like, yesterday!" Psht. Your loss, Last Minute Lucy. (Note: Her name is not Lucy. I have no idea why I said that. Blame it on my Heat Mania.)

I've taken all I can take, though. I'm giving in to the sweet temptation of a chilly room upstairs. But let it be known that I have lasted this long. I'm pretty sure you can send the info into the Guinness Book and they'll get right on inducting me as Bravest Person of the Year.

Note to Self

Blah blah blah, more packing tonight. Desk? Packed up. Purses? Packed up (gently, in one enormous bag). Bookshelves? Finally...packed up. It makes me feel smart to have so many books. It also makes me feel very weak because I can't lift any of the boxes. Anyway, I had to do some sorting of my old college notebooks. Does anyone else keep theirs? I just can't let them go. If I ever want to re-learn Astronomy, I can teach myself from those notebooks. Or so I thought. Turns out I did a whole lot of non-note taking in my note taking notebooks. If I want to relearn anything, I'm going to have to a whoooooole lot of sorting through some pretty amazing and elaborate doodles. So why do I keep these noteless notebooks? I guess it's 'cause I'm a pretty bomb doodler.

In between lecture notes from Media History and Culture, I managed to teach myself to draw CURSIVE BUBBLE LETTERS. That's talent, yo. Apparently, I had a problem with the lower-case cursive "s" though. From the looks of it, thought, it only took approximately 6 lectures to perfect every single letter. There were 3 pages of me just writing the alphabet in cursive over and over and over. Also, it appears that the printing press made an appearance somewhere between the 4th and 5th class.

After my freshman year, I was free to take all the Writing courses I wanted. You'd think that, being my favoritest classes ever, I'd be able to refrain from doodling in them. Not so. I'd doodle what appears to be poetry in my Poetry classes. What was that game show where they try and guess the puzzles based on pictures? You know, like a picture of the United States + an empty soup can + and eyeball + child's doll = American Idol? Yeah. Mine were very similar. I couldn't understand approximately 99% of any alleged poem. But I'm sure they were very prolific. There were like a zillion hearts involved. Sounds like I was preeeeeeeeetty happy. On the other hand, there were lots of "H + 8" too. The plot thickens...

Apparently during my Junior and Senior years, though, I really buckled down in class. I had organized outlines, the occasional Ven Diagrams peppered throughout neat, clearly worded notes, and even footnotes. Sure there were tiny little hearts and stars bordering some pages, but their presence was irregular and sloppy.

Then came my last semester. Each notebook has one page filled out. A few clumsily written notes on the syllabus, and whether or not we were graded on a curve. Then nothing. No block letters, no adorable little stick figures handing one another a bouquet of daisies. Just that one page of Day One notes.

I still doodle a lot. I'm particularly proud of a very elaborate hand-turkey, who sports an eye patch and an exact replica of a Kate Spade purse. I drew that during a meeting at work and it still hangs on the wall in my cube.

I don't know what I'm going to do with all those college notebooks, though. For now, I've packed them up and labeled them "Pharon - Desk/Writing - KEEP". I can't help but be very proud of them. What if I end up to be a very famous arteeest? Those doodles could be worth billions of dollars. It's like an investment in my own future. But be forewarned - there were the occasional instances of NSFW Anger Doodling, which consist of happy puppy dogs flippin' the bird to an angry looking Shakespeare textbook that's frowning with slanted eyebrows. Sometimes you just can't censor the creative process.

Boys Day Out

Uh oh. I'm about one jock-strap away from becoming a boy. I've crossed into some dangerous territory. I spent all day - arguably, all weekend - in the company of men. Submersed in their weird little culture. Eating their local foods, trying their local customs, picking up their language, and diving right in to their whole way of life. Today, for instance, I followed around Geo, Perek, Chad, and Mitch (a.k.a. The Good Guys to Know) videoing their attempt to brew their own beer. It couldn't have been more, uh, male.

For starters, we were all a little hungover from a crazy night of debauchery last night, so the various smells they emitted at any given moment was nearly suffocating. At one point on the car ride to the Brewery store, I started gagging. Ga-ross. Some foreign terrain can be an assault to the senses.

Then they sat around doing some brainstorming. Their way of shorthanding words and sentences without interrupting one another was impressive. And when one of the guys would offer up a suggestion, and the others thought it was a bad idea, they'd say, "Nah, I think that's a bad idea." Then the one who made the suggestion would shrug his shoulders and move on. No tears, no passive-aggressive put downs, no hurt feelings. Despite the fact that men never understand a thing woman says, guys are exceptional at communicating with each other. I was actually a little jealous. But then I realized what a girlie reaction that was.

Then we engaged in some culinary traditions. We had a nice, healthy lunch (read: McDonald's), dropped our garbage wherever we happened to be, and complimented the chef by letting out huge burps. Then they got started brewing. The guys had this meticulous way of adding everything, timing everything, sterilizing everything, but every area they used was left messy and wet and sticky. It was like they set off little Mess Bombs everywhere they went. But their methods were exact - to the T. I actually have nothing but faith in the quality of that beer.

Finally, after my video duties were over, and the beer was sitting in the bucket fermenting for the next week, we crashed on the couches. We were at Perek's house, which has central a.c. (which, again, mine does not have and it was like a disgusting 108 degrees outside) so honestly, we weren't in any hurry to leave.

So I laid on the couch and observed some cultural entertainment. I watched Geo and Perek play Call of Duty for FOUR HOURS. Granted for 2 of those hours I was asleep, but still. Not many chicks would have done that. I don't know, it was quite relaxing actually. And since they are hilarious together, I really enjoyed the downtime (and, mostly, the a.c.). When we got hungry again, we prepared a delicious home-cooked meal (read: Ordered Dominoes). My stomach (and thighs and butt) hated me. All it wanted for me was some vegetables and possibly fresh fruit. But those items are not on the Man Menu. And visitors should not complain about culinary norms of a foreign society.

Overall, the day (and weekend) was incredibly fun. I feel more like a boy than ever, though. From the beer-drinking nights to the beer-making days, I really pushed the limits of exactly how far I could sink into Man-dom without converting all together. I almost feel bad for Geo. He didn't know if he was hanging out with his girlfriend or some dude in a dress all weekend (at least I had the dress on). I've got, like, dual citizenship or something.

Back at home in the sweltering heat, though, things are evening out. I've complained about my tummy hurting, and Geo has held doors open for me, and I've lost my TV remote privileges because I insisted on flipping between Teen Mom and some rom-com chick flick. If there's anything to be learned from today, it's that I love hanging out with guys. However, unless I want to gain a zillion pounds and start smelling like a petting zoo, I'd better keep my submersion in the World of the Males to a minimum. I mean, it's a great place to visit, but I definitely couldn't live there.

Performance Anxiety

So we're in Annual Review mode at work. Some would consider it a mere formality, but I think it's very important to take a step back and examine your personal performance from time to time. Since I'm already in "review" mode, I decided to give myself a review of my performance over the lengthy time period of Today.

What do you consider to be your biggest achievement for the day?

Over the course of today, I have succeeded in numerous ways. From getting up when my alarm went off and only hitting snooze twice, to remembering to bring my umbrella to work, I continue to impress myself with my forward-thinking. It is that foresight that brings me to my decision to complete my blog before heading out for a few drinks with friends. These achievements should not go unnoticed.

What do you consider to be your biggest challenge for the day?

Despite my best efforts, I could not muster the energy to make a proper dinner. I overcame this challenge by being creative and thinking outside of the box. I whipped up a healthy dinner that consisted of a box of crackers and Babybel cheese. All without incident. I completed the task efficiently and threw away all my trash, too. I feel this shows my ability to turn a problem into a solution.

Are there ways you could improve on your overall performance?

Um, I could probably have brushed my hair before work. That would have been an improvement. But, due to my aforementioned excellent problem solving skills, I tied up the gnarly mess into a sleek ponytail and made lemonade out of lemons. While I cannot guarantee this will not happen again, I have learned to find a way around it, thereby avoiding any negative consequences.

Are there any side-projects you have been working on that you are proud of and feel should be acknowledged?

It turns out, I have managed to develop a keen sense of hoarding in my spare time. While packing some things in my bedroom this evening (instead of taking a nap - note the dedication to my excellent work ethic), I discovered many empty Kate Spade boxes. Here's a small sample of my collection:

Much to my surprise, upon opening one of the boxes, I was reminded of my superior organizational skills:

More boxes!!! It is the dedication and commitment I've shown to hoarding these items that sets me apart from others and illustrates my exemplary record of compulsively holding on to seemingly unimportant items.

Where do you see yourself in 3 days?

Ideally, I will be the head of a major corporation by then. Oh wait, I'm actually busy that day. In fact, I'll be videoing a bunch of guys brewing beer (see blog coming on Sunday). But I am confident in my abilities to exceed my own expectations. I would not surprise myself at all if I manage to also eat some vegetables in that time period. And the only person standing in the way of me brushing my teeth every day is me. Though, I have no intention of inhibiting my personal and professional growth.

Finally, what grade would you give yourself on your performance throughout the course of the day?

I'm going to go ahead and give myself a strong A+. I worked hard, I'm about to play hard, and that balance is what keeps me in such high esteem in my peer group (according to me). I have no doubt that I aced this day. I succeeded where others would fail, and drove through diversity to achieve the eternal admiration of everyone around me.

I thank you for your time and consideration of my performance. I have no doubt you agree with every single thing I've said.

Dear Crabby

Well my back is shot. I've been packing again. Is this all I do anymore? Yes. It is. Sorry. I'll at least try to make it more interesting by drinking wine whist packing. Then it's like Christmas on unpacking day. "Does this say 'Living Room' or 'Dead Mice'? Who's to know?" Anyway, I got a bunch of good questions tonight, so here's a few fer ya...

Dear Crabby,

What's more important in a guy? Looks or brains? Be blunt, please.

Love always,
(Possibly) Shallow Hal

Dear PSH,

I guess it all depends. Who is richer? I kid!!! Would YOU rather be graded on your looks or your brains? Think long and hard about that, and choose the same thing. Here's a little tip I learned in college - yup, I LEARNED something in college. We are all attracted to our own level of dysfunction. Are you gorgeous but brainless? Go for looks. You can make pretty babies and hang out in VIP rooms with no one the wiser. If you pride yourself on correcting grammar and reading and junk, go for brains and maybe save the world. If you're somewhere in the middle, you have your work cut out for you. You'll have to dig through the know-it-alls and the vanity kings to find the happy medium. Either way, it's more important that you find someone who complements (and compliments!) you in the best way.

Dear Crabby,

Is it true that once someone's a cheater they're always a cheater?

Thanks,
Asking for a Friend

Dear Asking for a Friend,

First, $10 says you're NOT asking this question for a friend. Yessssssss! I win $10!! Okay, personally, I DON'T believe this. I think it depends on the person. If they are shady and sneaky and rude and chronically unsatisfied, then yeah. They'll probably cheat if they've done it before. But people make mistakes. Are YOU perfect? Probs not. People don't always cheat because they're jerks. Sure, most of the time that's the case. But sometimes people cheat for crazy reasons, and then feel so eternally bad about it, they never do it again. It's all dependent on the person. You know how Ross cheated on Rachel in Friends? (Kim keeps telling me to stop learning lessons from fictional TV shows, but it can't be helped) He wasn't some sleaze ball just trying to put one over on someone, right? One mistake does not necessarily a cheater make. But if your bf (or YOU) cheated, it's time to reassess the relationship. Can it be repaired? Can you trust (or be trusted) again? What went wrong in the first place? Figure out all those gnarly deets and you'll know the answer.

Dear Crabby,

Okay, settle an argument, wouldja? I'm pretty sure you can eat most mushrooms that grow outside. My friend thinks most wild mushrooms are unsafe to eat and is constantly worried she's going to get all high if she eats the wrong ones. Who's right here?

Thanks!
Shroom n' Doom

Dear SND,

Who do I look like, Bear Grylls? I have no idea what you're talking about. I used to eat the bark off white trees (I think they are birch trees) and ants and I turned out just fine. Shut up. I wouldn't eat any ol' mushroom, though. Mostly 'cause it's a fungus and that's just gross. Um, hmmm. My advice is that you not eat random wild mushrooms unless you are an Eagle Scout or something. Why risk poisoning yourself just to prove a point? Sorry, SND, but I am siding with your pal.

Well? How'd I do? Pretty sure I nailed each one of these questions. To those who didn't get their question answered this week, fear not! I'll be back here next week, figuring out your lives for you. Yay! If you need help that doesn't necessarily require actual professional help, shoot your $hit to pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll show you how it's done. Hey yo!