Monday, December 16, 2013


OMG. Christmas shopping. Anyone else get titch stressed out with this? I LOVE Christmas. AND I love shopping. Every other year, it's been a total joy to spend a couple nights out at the malls and stores finding something good for everyone on my list. I liked picking things up, holding them, pretending to give them to the recipient and feigning humbleness when they say "OMG, Pharon. This present has changed my life." It was the best.

But now, all my shopping is done online. The mall by me has 5 stores, and 4 of them are for underwear or bath products for preteens. Disturbing. So I took to the interwebs this year. Listen, I know how to find the perfect pair of brown riding boots in an eternal sea of websites. I don't know how to find "great gift ideas for your sister Padrin." It's too hard. 

Here are the worst things about online shopping:

* Shipping: Screw you, every site ever. You're literally making me PAY for not doing my shopping two weeks ago? That's just mean.

* Deliveries: Dudes, I just got married this summer. I'm accustomed to getting packages delivered to my door that are FOR ME. Instead, the UPS man drops off things just about every day that I eagerly open only to be reminded that it's not for ME. Ugh. Grinchy.

* Bad photography: The worst thing anyone can do online is put a picture of their product that does not accurately reflect the product itself. Whether I'm buying a phone case or a Swedish wife, I want to know I'm looking at exactly the same thing I'm ordering. I have gotten at least 2 things delivered to me that I've been like "Whoa. No. This's not right." They end up being too small, too large, poor quality, or not even remotely as skilled at being a robot maid as shown in an ad.

* Returns: Unless you're Zappos, your return policies and procedures are THE WORST. That is all.

* Requirement of phone numbers: Why, random stranger online, do you need my phone number? YOU DON'T. Back in the first days of the Internet, I threw out my parent's home phone number like it was bread crumbs for hungry birds. I'd just toss it around without any care of what would happen with those bread crumbs. But now, I'm a much smarter bird lady. I HATE giving out my phone number and hate it even MORE when the automated website calls me out for typing in a fake number. You are not better than a drunk guy at the bar. You do not get to complain about a fake number until AFTER I've made my getaway, Internet.

* The wait: When I do a lot of shopping, I like to prance around with zillions of colorful bags like Cher in Clueless. It makes me feel rich and important. But when you shop online, you just feel broke and empty because you spend and spend with absolutely nothing to show for it at the end of the day. You just have to sit and wait for your purchases to just drip into your life piece by piece. In brown cardboard and bubble wrap. As if!

So, while I love to shop for myself online when I have no deadline to meet, it is simply not acceptable for holiday shopping. And when you can't hold something and see it in person, it becomes a very disjointed experience. But, you know, I guess it's better than the alternative: teen underwear and bath products for everyone!

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