Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Team Pharon McDadden

Hey bros. Grab a beer and let's pee standing up. It's football season!!!!

Tonight I had my first ever Fantasy Football draft. I LOVE football. Professional football. I have only a minimal knowledge of the rules and the most basic of understanding when it comes to which team is good and which team is bad, but I seriously LOVE watching football and drinking beer and eating wings and just being a guy. I mean girl. Whatever.

So it's a little surprising that I've never been in a fantasy league before. But then again, I don't know enough to play with hardcore guys and I like it TOO much to play with casual non-chalants. So I was stoked to be included in Geo's work draft. It did not go well.

For starters, Geo didn't show up until oh, split seconds before the online draft started. I was sweating and texting and calling Geo being like "When are you going to be here?! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRAFT! DO I PICK 2 RUNNING BACKS FIRST?! WHAT IS HAPPENING!? WHO IS CALVIN JOHNSON!?"

So Geo gets home, calms me down and we get ready for the draft. I am an irrational drafter. Totally and completely irrational. Here's why:

* I HATE Bears and Packers fans so I absolutely refused to draft any players from those teams. Which wasn't hard because they all suck.
* I kept claiming that I needed an "emotional" connection to players I wanted to draft. If I didn't feel a "connection" to someone, I skipped over him.
* I drafted some guy named Darren McFadden because I made myself cry-laugh when I accidentally called him Pharon McDadden. Fate.
* I refused to draft Reggie Bush because he's been with Kim Kardashian. Then I SUPER wanted him because he was strong enough to BE with her and make it out alive and with dignity. Then someone else stole him away and I didn't know HOW to feel.
* There's a guys whose last name is Pead. As in "I peed my pants when I saw there was a dude named Pead." I've never wanted anyone on my team so bad in my life. Didn't get him. Got pissed. (HA!)

Then things got ugly. I stated that I wanted to draft Blair Walsh, who is the awesome effing kicker for the Vikings in, like, the 6th round. Geo said it was way too early to draft a kicker. I argued "But I love him. And he'll get more points than some mediocre receiver. Also, I just want SOMEONE to cheer for on the Vikings." He insisted, "Just wait. He'll be there next round."

He was NOT available next round. Someone else took Walsh, and my dreams right along with him. I was more upset than a normal person should have been. But I was sick of getting all these players who are on teams I have spent eons rooting against and just wanted ONE purple dude on my team.

The wind went out of my sail pretty quickly after that. I picked a few players out of spite after Geo tried to give me some tips that I ignored because they didn't include Blair Walsh. I was like "Oh, you think I should take this dude who is handcuffed to so-and-so? Screw that. I'm picking up Aaron Hernandez."

Anyways, I lost interest when I stopped knowing who players were and as soon as I got sick and tired of drafting running backs. Snooze. Everyone knows I love wide receivers.

So, the draft came to an end. I got a kicker who was NOT Blair Walsh, some pretty decent players and a handful of spite picks. Seems like a well-rounded team, right? Well, the entire process was an emotional roller coaster and I'm absolutely exhausted. But if it's possible, I'm now even MORE excited for the start of football season. And no matter who is (not) on my fantasy team, I will be sporting my purple and gold every week and screaming for Adrian Peterson to kill people on the field. SKOL!!!!!!!!!!!

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