Fellow Americans! God Bless the U.S.A. and the foolproof, rock solid political system! I, Pharon Square, would like to throw my hat into the Rochester, MN mayoral race. I thought I had to be a resident of this fine city for one year before running. And today is officially Day 365.
However, I -- like so many promising young politicians -- failed to do a quick Google search before jumping to my conclusion. In fact, I only needed to be here for 30 DAYS before meeting eligibility requirements. Lucky for you, my fair residents of Mayoville, U.S.A., I will not be deterred!
And now, in this timeless and super official medium of a blog, I would like to present my platform.
As Mayor of Rochester, I think it's time for change! Change, I say! No more should we be bound by the ways of yesteryear. No more should we cower in the face of innovation. I say that today...Today we are Ready for Tomorrow (orrow, orrow)!
Previous thinkers have decided it was perfectly fine to build a fancy hospital in a non-fancy city. A city of chain restaurants and multiple yarn stores. A city where, if you block out the hospital and the various high-end luxury vehicles, you would feel as though you were living in the bustling age of the 1980s.
I, my dear Rochesterians, feel that we deserve more! We deserve a place to eat where the salads are as delicious (and plentiful) as the cheese curds; where there is more than one radio station to listen to; where the lakes and natural habitats are not surrounded by violent geese or rabid owls.
And it's time to prove ourselves! Newt's keeps saying they have the best burgers in the city....wonderful, right? Well, there is no competition! Not one Nook, Blue Door, Matt's, 5-8 or Red Cow for miles! (Outsiders, those are all INCREDIBLY good places for burgers in Minneapolis.) And where will I buy your birthday present? Francesca's, because there are zero other cute, fun stores with clever and affordable gifts in sight.
After my one long year in this city, I know that there is much to be saved here. Sure, there are still people picketing at the Planned Parenthood and refusing to use blinkers when driving. But! There is a very real and earnest desire to be better!
Now, there are, by my count, 100 schools and 10 zillion playgrounds around. I'm sure some people think those things are important, but I don't. And also, a new restaurant WAS just built near my house, but it was another McDonald's. There are now 3 McDonald's within 3 miles of me. What does that say to the children of these fancy Mayo doctors who are randomly obsessed with kale and chia seeds?
In my bid for Mayor, I plan to force everyone to try and be better...cooler...more like the awesome folks in Minneapolis. Open up new restaurants with fresh ingredients and exciting menus. Try out some hair salons that are not named with puns and offer a glass of wine with a post-work cut. Try and build a venue that attracts better acts than Coolio. Make public parking downtown NOT be a nightmare and allow non-Mayo peeps to park in parking lots whenever they want. While we're at it, let's stop making Mayo employees' spouses drive them to and from work by building better ramps! (Really, people, let's just try and bring the parking situation into the 21st century.)
This is the time, people! The time to rise up and demand more from a city built on a history of being the best and attracting the brightest! Let's not just pool all our resources into Mayo! Let's build a city that we can ALL enjoy!!
We have a lot of potential, Rochesterians. And while I really have zero desire to be here for another full year, I know that I could really turn this town into a place I wouldn't mind getting stranded in when I'm driving between Minnesota and Iowa. A vote cast for Pharon Square is a vote cast for a quick and dirty fix! Who doesn't want that?!
So, what say you, fellow voters? Are you with me?