How to Be a Grown-up: Event Edition

This has been a very exciting year...for my friends. I've been to, oh, 65 weddings, 329 baby showers and 997 bridal showers. Don't check my math, jerks.

I was thinking about this today as I stood in my Spanx and latest bridesmaids dress at the tailor (getting 4 feet chopped from the bottom of my third long chiffon dress of the year) and mentally reminded myself to pick up a gift bag for a baby shower I'm going to this weekend.

So, at this point, I'm 100% sure I should be the final word on what TO do and what NOT to do at these events. To save you the trouble of Googling "manners at grown-up events," I’ll give you some pointers of how to be the best guest at these events.

Bridal Showers:

Do: Bring a gift. That's what it's all about, folks.

Do: Wear a dress. It’s probably a hassle or uncomfortable, but any event with “shower” in the name implies you should look nice (and have taken a shower.)

Do: Mingle. You probs won't know tons of people there, so chat up the person closest to the finger sandwiches, and then you can get fat while you chat.

Don't: Get drunk. Well, okay, maybe you can…sometimes it’s tricky to know what kind of shower it is. But you should be able to tell if it’s okay based on how many bottles of bubbly and/or tequila are on hand.

Don’t: Be a buzzkill. Play the games, lady. There are almost ALWAYS prizes.

Don’t: Be rude. Thank the hostess, say nice things about the Guest of Honor and try to not burp or make poop jokes. (Note: See exception in Baby Shower section.)

Baby Showers:

Do: Bring a gift. That’s what it’s all about, folks.

Do: Wear a dress. (Sorry, ANY event involving a bunch of ladies on a weekend morning requires semi-formalwear.)

Do: Compliment everyone. Pregnant women, non-pregnant women, potentially-pregnant women and already-been-pregnant women all together in one room talking about babies means one thing: carazy hormones. Tread lightly and speak sweetly. TO EVERYONE.

Don’t: Say ANYthing scary about labor.

Don’t: Make the Guest of Honor feel bad about truly believing that she will love having a baby wipe warmer.

Don’t: Hold back on baby poop jokes. For Pete’s sake, the Guest of Honor is getting diapers, wipes and (inexplicably) a heated wipe dispenser. Everyone knows what’s up.

Weddings:

Do: Bring a gift. That’s what it’s all about, folks.

Do: Wear a dress. Ugh. I know. So many dresses…

Do: Listen to speeches, sign the guest book, enjoy the beautiful centerpieces, take a favor and get out on the dance floor. (These are just basic fundamentals of being a good wedding guest, so it all goes together.)

Don’t: Spill ANYTHING on the bride.

Don’t: Feel bad about getting drunk. Weddings are the only time some people CAN get drunk. Just don’t get sloppy and puke. Especially on the bride.

Don’t: Take your shoes off on the dance floor. It goes against nature, I know: I used to do this. But it only took one time of dancing to “Shout!” barefoot and a broken toe to change my tune.

These are really only the basics. (Oh, and really they are more directed at women because dudes often get to skip out on at least 2/3 of these events.) You’re gonna have to pay me to hear the rest, because my insight is THAT VALUABLE, and I have a TON more etiquette guidelines.

Also, I simply don’t have any more time to help you. I have baby showers, a bridal shower AND a wedding all in the next month that I need to start buying dresses for.

Do you have any foolproof pointers of your own for these events? Feel free to slap ‘em down there in the comments. Trust me, people need all the help they can get.