It all inevitably comes up (fine, maybe I'm the one to bring it up most times, but SEMANTICS). And it occurred to me recently that, much like any conversation about any celebrity in the past 20 years, I seem to know a whole lot.
And you know, it's not surprising when people say "Wow, you sure watch a lot of TV." I mean, I do. But the hard part is that I can see how jealous everyone else gets when I go on and on about how I binge-watched Scrotal Recall without regret, and I can read between the lines.
I know that what they actually mean to say is "Pharon, it seems like there's nothing you can't do. You've got a job you love, a social life to be envied by erryone, a rockin' body that you evidently are keeping tucked away underneath that 15-20 pounds of wine and bread (What Would Jesus Eat?), really long hair, better-than-average hygiene, the funniest blog probably on Earth AND a clean house. How do you ALSO manage to watch so much TV?"
Don't feel bad, you guys. I know I lead the kind of life that is simply unattainable by others, and I simply don't expect anyone else to keep up with me. But I also am a natural Helper. I want to help people achieve what comes so naturally to me. So, if you think you are ready to really commit to the rigorous TV-watching lifestyle enjoyed by premier watchers like me, here are some tips to get you started.
- Have a TV in every room in your house. This way, you can watch something in bed, while cooking, while waiting for your Uber in your foyer. Don't want to put a TV in your bathroom, laundry room or back porch? It's called a PHONE, people, invest in one.
- Have a work schedule that ends 2 hours earlier than all your friends. That leaves 120 solid minutes to watch Friends reruns and Bloodline without compromising on anything.
- Make sure all your friends have babies. This ensures any social plans you have with them will end by 8 p.m. Then you can go home, stay up for 4 more hours and never miss a beat.
- While you're picking your friends and work schedule, also pick a mate that is obsessed with video games. Without the constant need to provide entertainment to someone else, you can focus on TV.
- Prioritize! I won't lie: Watching a lot of TV does not happen without sacrifices. You may have to put away books you are reading and opt for a boring Wed. workout class instead of a fun Thurs. night one so you don't miss Scandal. But nothing worth doing comes without sacrifice.
- Clear out the clutter. This means don't waste valuable TV watching time doing meaningless stuff like cooking, having another hobby, putting on pants or mowing the lawn. Save your non-TV time for only social/fun activities.
- Change your way of thinking. Too many people think TV is just mindless entertainment. But guess what: it's not. There's TONS to be learned on TV, from cooking to home repair to documentaries about Burt's Bees.
- Expand your horizons. A year ago, I would have never considered myself a wordly person. But I've seen like EVERY British show on Netflix, and now I can exchange pleasantries with the Britishiest of Brits.
- Pray for rain. No one expects anyone to do anything when it's raining out. Check the forecast and look for clouds. Plan accordingly.
- Don't be married to the idea of noticing every. little. detail. Much of my TV time happens in conjunction with another task. Crafting? Paying bills? Writing blogs? Putting on makeup? I can't do these things in silence! Yeah, it's called multi-tasking. Try it.
But the most important thing is that you don't take on too much too fast. It's like a marathon (I imagine). You can't start off running for 100 miles or whatever. You have to start with a little sprint and then a nap or two. But if you stick to it, I know you can succeed in watching as much TV as you want. I believe in you.
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