Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Jury Doodie

I have been spinning all weekend. I got a super dumb letter on Friday which kind of tore up the rest of my weekend, even though I got to spend it with my super great friends Claire and Liz in Minneapolis. But the whole time, I felt haunted by this letter. It just kept picking at me, bugging me and being all "Don't forget about meeeeeee! You have fun, but don't forget about meeeeeeeeee!" And I didn't. All weekend, I was like super annoyed and hating on everything.

I have been summonsed (Summoned? Simmoned? Slumming?) to jury duty.

My initial reaction was probably a lot like everyone else's. I tried to shove the letter back in the envelope and throw it off our balcony, pretending that a dog ate my jury summons. I thought about chopping it up in a Cuisinart, but I don't know what a Cuisinart is or how to use one. I briefly considered Gorilla-gluing the envelope shut and putting it back in the mailbox with "Return to sender" written on it, but decided that none of these things would unsend the letter. I had been summonsed (Summoned? Sumo'd? Sermoned?) and there was nothing I could do about.

I guess I'm not super sure why everyone hates jury duty, but I know that everyone does. And I love me some trend-following, so I guess I should hate it too. Sitting? Listening? UGH! The worst!

I mentioned my jury doodie to Madeline today. I was all "UGH. Isn't that just the worst? First I have to move to Rochester and then I have to serve on a JURY in Rochester?! WTF?!" And she was like "OMG, I would love to be chosen for a jury. I love telling people what to do!" And I was all "I'm worried that you don't know what jury duty is. I'm pretty sure you just sit there and someone ELSE tells YOU what to do." She scoffed and told me to try and enjoy the chance to participate in a democracy.

So, I'm trying to really understand my feelings about this jury doodie nonsense. On the one hand, it's probably pretty important. On the other hand, people have compared it to root canals and Nicholas Cage movies, so it could really be terrible. One thing I DO know, however, is that it's all just a litttttle too convenient that I was chosen. I lived in Minneapolis for like 10 years without getting called and without even KNOWING anyone who got the ol' summons (Summon? Simpson? Nomnoms?) but I move to Rochester and within a few MONTHS, I'm called up to the majors? That seems suspisch, yo.

Maybe they've run out people who can serve on a jury here. In Minneapolis, there are like 6 billion residents and they keep recruiting friends to come and live with them in such an awesome city, providing an endless supply of jury candidates. But maybe Rochester doesn't have that same kind of...attraction. No new meat. Until me. UGH. They're just WAITING for dummies like me to come and change our addresses at the DMV and become eligible to jure.

But after blabbing about my jury doodie to everyone I've ever met, it sounds like it's nothing like a Nicholas Cage movie...or a Taylor Swift concert....or even a Real Housewives of WhoGivesAShit TV show. It sounds pretty painless, actually. An important job and also maybe a chance to get some reading done. Not too shabby.

Then again, it also sounds pretty boring, and I'm far too accustomed to spending my days working in absolute silence and eating handfuls of cream cheese whenever the urge presents itself. So unless this so-called "government" is okay with me showing up in sweatpants and wolf sweatshirts with a bagel feedbag on, I may have to decline this once-in-a-year opportunity. I guess we'll have to wait and see...

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