Monday, November 4, 2013

I left the house without showering today...and you can too!

Getting ready in the morning makes me angry. Every day that I have to get up and get ready is a day that I have to remind myself not to punch myself in my clean, made-up face. I hate everything about it.

I know that we all don't have the luxury of working from home in a town where there is zero chance of running into anyone from high school or whatever, but the fact remains: If you have the time/energy/self respect to shower EVERY SINGLE DAY and shave your legs, put on makeup, dry your hair and put on unstained shirts day after day after day, I feel like we are probably not friends in real life. Those people exhaust me.

So it should come as no surprise that I skip at LEAST one of those things every day. Today, however, was a "Let's Just Skip All of That" kind of day. I woke up, drove Geo to work in my pajamas got home and just started working. But everything came to a crashing halt when Target called to remind me to pick up a prescription.

"Leave the house?! During the day?! I am not prepared for this."

But because I am such a pro at polishing this turd [gestures to self], I pulled it together and left the house in 5 1/2 minutes looking totally...not disgusting. I feel like everyone could benefit from my expertise at leaving the house in this state of hot garbage.

Hair: It's almost winter, so break out those cute winter hats! That's an easy enough solution for amateurs, but there are other options as well. Girls with long hair like me have a challenge when it comes to hiding evidence of skipping the ol' wash down. If you can braid, go ahead and pry your hair into three separate sections and twist 'em together for a chic, messy braid held together by last night's sleep. If you can't braid, brush that rat's nest out and slick it up into a one will be able to tell the dirtiness from the bed head. Plus, people might actually think you are a ballerina. BONUS. (Try and walk with your toes pointed outwards to really sell it.)

Makeup: I tell myself I'm naturally beautiful and have the confidence to step foot outside without a stitch of makeup. Call it confidence, call it blissful ignorance, I don't care. But in the event that you don't possess this same kind of misguided bravery, here is all you need to know. Put on mascara and bright lipstick. That's it. Are you half-way ready for a gala? Have you not figured out tinted moisturizer yet? Is your bathroom lighting really bad or are your lips just naturally blazing red? That's what people will be wondering. Not "Is that girl just covering up the fact that she hasn't washed her face for two days?"

Wardrobe: This can be tricky. But I have found if you put a jean jacket over virtually any outfit, you will at least look like you TRIED. (I even saw a chick wearing a WOLF SWEATSHIRT under a jean jacket on a fashion blog this month...thank you hipsters!) A jean jacket can be thrown on over just about any shirt, but there may be limitations when it comes to pants. It might not work with sweatpants or flannel pants with a hole in the crotch and knee, but it will definitely work with yoga pants, black pajama pants, leggings, and any other type of leg wear that girls laze around in. Any of these things with a white shirt (turned inside out if it's dirty) and jean jacket will make you look normal.

Odor: This can also be tricky, as I don't have b.o. That is a proven FACT. But I imagine you can't just leave the house smelling like you've been sitting around sweating and eating bagels all day. I suppose you could freshen up by tucking a Bounce dryer sheet in your cleavage. You'll smell linen fresh and avoid static cling.

Voila! You're all ready to leave the house without going anywhere near a shower. Now your only problem will be what to do with all those hours I've just saved you...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I cannot believe I didn't get name checked in this blog post. Who do you know who showers less than I do?! I mean, for real. That person probably has some serious hygiene issues...or amazing genes that don't require showering, in which case, I want to mate with him/her. V