Wrap Artist

Uff da. Bring on the snow. I’ve got my butt planted on the couch, watching the Vikings game. Those weirdos are playing OUTSIDE in the U of M football field. What kind of freakshow goes to watch a football game in subzero, snowy weather? Geo, Perek, and two of their friends, that’s who. They have been outside since about 3:30 this afternoon, waiting to get INSIDE the OUTDOOR stadium. Seriously, freak shows.

Well, I’m officially done with work until 2011. I went to work for a grueling 4 hour workday, and now I’ve got the next two weeks off. Me likey PTO. I got home, watched a movie, did some Christmas shopping, and came home to do one of my favorite things ever. I wrapped like 15 gifts. I. Love. Gift wrapping. Love it. If I were a zillionaire and could open my own business, I’d open a gift wrapping place. And not like one of those generic backrooms at Crate and Barrel, where they slap a pre-cut ribbon on top of a solid white box and call it a day. No, no. I’ve got a serious vision.

You know that scene in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory where Willy opens that teeny door and they go into a candy wonderland? Replace the chocolate river with tissue paper, the trees with rolls upon rolls of different wrapping paper, and those little candy teacup flowers with bows and you’re halfway to what I want. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, more enjoyable for me to do than go and buy gift wrap. All the options, colors, and textures are like an aphrodisiac. And the ribbons! Oh man, I love ribbon like I love bagels. The best is the curling ribbon that comes with like 5 colors on a roll. Intoxicating.

I like to coordinate wrapping papers. They’re like outfits. I’ll wrap one present in red, black, and white paisley print paper, and another in a yellow pinstripe paper, then tie them together with white and yellow ribbons. Oh, this also means I frequently buy people two gifts. The paper looks so much better that way. Unfortunately, this year I only got one kind of wrapping paper. I thought it went together with a different paper I already had, but it didn’t, so I was stuck with the plain old multi-colored snowflake paper.

After the paper is chosen, I need to find boxes. One of my biggest annoyances with wrapping presents is when they are oddly-shaped. What the H happened to companies giving out gift boxes with things? Rude. Now, I either have to salvage an old clothes box or roll up the shirt in the paper and tie the ends, like a piece of candy. It feels like such a cop out. But when I have BOXES, yee haw! When I was younger, Prinna used to let me French braid her hair because I did it “tight” - meaning no bumps. No saggy pieces. Perfect. Well, that’s how I like to wrap. Nice and snug. If boxes were girls, they’d all be wearing corsettes.

So, then the ribbon goes on. Lots and lots and lots and lots of ribbon. It quite literally ties it all together. And honestly, I don’t understand why people use NON curling ribbon. There is nothing more satisfying than a perfectly curled ribbon. Not too tight, not too loose. Just like hair curls. My ribbons are Jennifer Aniston’s hair.

This is why I want a gift wrapping shoppe (yup, I‘m going to be a jerk about it and add the extra “PE“ at the end). Now, don’t get me wrong, people, it’ll be pricey. Gold-flecked wrapping paper and Swarovski crystals don’t come cheap. It’s luxurious to have a well-wrapped gift. If you’re going to take the time to buy a gift, you should take the time to have it wrapped well. It’s like making pasta and leaving off the grated cheese. Why bother? In my shoppe, I’m going to do all the wrapping myself. Everything will be in an actual BOX, and it’ll look elegant and fun. I’ll add diamond ring charms to wedding gifts, glow-in-the-dark bracelets to kids gifts (or possible rave gifts, if such a thing exists), and incense sticks to a hippie gift.

Well, for now I’ll just have to keep working on a gift wrap ROOM in my house. I’ll be just like Candy Spelling. Or, I just need someone to wrap up the zillion dollars I’d need fulfill my life‘s dream. If you need help with the ribbon, I’m happy to help…