Thursday, December 18, 2014


I had to go to Target today. It should have been pretty norma; I go to Target almost every day. So my trip should have been same ol same ol, but it wasn't. It wasn't because one woman became the object of my insatiable obsession.

Our fateful relationship began in the parking lot. I cleanly navigated my way around the lot like any red-blooded American should know how to do, when this lady comes blazing through the parking lot right through the middle of 12 aisles and narrowly avoiding 3 or 4 cart corrals.

I was mesmerized immediately. Who was this mysterious she-beast who nearly killed 8 people without even entertaining the thought of slowing down? I knew I had to meet her.

She "parked" next to me, coincidentally. (By "parked" I mean "casually left her minivan in a spot 3 inches away from me.") When she popped out of her car in an adorable outfit and cellphone glued to her ear, I was not surprised. When she pulled her twins out of the backseat, I was very surprised.

I walked into the store with she-beast right on my heels. I pulled out my list and grabbed a cart. She pulled out her lip balm and grabbed one of her children by the hood of her jacket.

I had to get exactly four things: pork chops, toothpaste, eggs and bread. But I spent approx. an hour and a half slyly following she-beast around the store. It was like I was attached to a firecracker doped up on Vicodin. She-beast blazed around Target like no one I've ever seen before. I noted that she bought dog food, eggs, a candle, 3 boxes of corn flakes, diapers and one of those weak a$$ bloody Mary mixes that Minnesota will never figure out how to make.

The entire time she was shopping, lady was on her phone with someone who I can only guess is a glutton for punishment. Her twins wriggled and cried and screamed and grabbed at everything within reach while girlfriend blathered on FOR 20 MINUTES about why she chose brown boots over black boots. She didn't even flinch when boy twin kicked a thing of milk out of their cart. She just kept moving and kept being worried about what she will wear with her new blue dress.

After I caught she-beast's eye for the third time, I was like "Crap, visiting hours at the zoo are over." I was made and so I decided to abandon my spy mission and head to the check out.

What luck! Super mom was right in front of me! She had finally put her phone away and now had ample time to yell non-stop at her kids. "Maddie! Stop looking at Ethan!" "Ethan, stop trying to grab my phone!" "If I wanted you to have sugar, I would have gotten you sugar! Gimme those fruit snacks!"

I locked eyes with the little girl sitting next to her brother and gave her this look like "You poor thing; I see you. I know you are probably awesome and going to grow up some day to write a college essay about how you managed to survive despite being raised by a she-beast."

The little girl reached her chubby arm out to me and I swear to God, she flicked me off.

Well, okay then. Eff you, tiny baby.

When I got to my car, I saw she-beast SCREAMING at her kids for ruining her shopping trip. I was devastated. She was literally scolding toddlers for not "respecting her time." She was also still cradling a phone between ear and shoulder.

That's when I realized that I LOVE judging parents. I am not one, so I have that blissful ignorance that allows me to really stick my judgey meter in and set it to "HA!"

Yeah, that's probably mean, but whatever.

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