Thursday, February 13, 2014

A Valentine

Oh Valentine's Day, aren't you just the darndest? It's all hearts and glitter and forcing Geo to get me chocolate and then yelling at him through my tears when he finds me under the bed covered in wrappers demanding, "Why did you get me chocolate?! I'm fat! I'm so fat! Why don't you love me?!"

See, that is why this day is just ridiculous. People want cards and flowers and candy and other things that serve no purpose. (Unless you receive them at work so you can brag to everyone that someone loves you even though you forgot to brush your teeth today.) Yeah, it's all pretty and delicious, but what happens at the end of the day? You're just fat with dead flowers that you forgot to water.


But the one thing I DO love about Valentine's Day is that it actually celebrates the ancient and forgotten art of WRITING. For centuries, people wrote love notes and passed them to their beloved by way of a donkey or something. They'd risk beheadings and dragons and evil Kings (OMG, I cannot WAIT for Game of Thrones!) just to tell their one true love that he or she was the bomb. All that work and risk just to let that person read how you feel.

Now THAT'S romance.

So here are some mini Valentine's for all the people/things I love.

My dearest TV,
How do I love thee? Let me count the channels. Food Network, Comedy Central, HGTV and whatever channel is showing Friends reruns. You nourish me, make me laugh, teach me new things and make me feel comfortable. TV, you are truly the best companion.

To my beloved Uggs,
I cannot imagine how I lived any sort of life before you came into it. Not a day goes by when I do think about slipping into your warm embrace, always welcoming. And of feet, nonetheless!

Kate Spade,
On my darkest days, I yearn for your bright colors, cheerful patterns and whimsical jewelry. The light you bring to my life is second only to the emptiness you bring to my wallet. I shall love thee for eternity.

Oh! My fair Soda Stream,
There you stand on my counter, stoic and strong. Ready to transform water into exhilaration at the press of a button. Without you, my brave hero, I would be forever thirsty, dry-throated from desire. Drinking straight vodka out of the bottle.

I love you, Every Crazy Celebrity,
Would that I could choose just one, but alas! I cannot. Collectively, your desperate need for the spotlight and passion for terrible decision-making skills make me feel like a healthy, well-adjusted adult. You are the only people who can make me feel this way, and for that I could never rely on another.

Is that you, wedding china?
My delicate lover.  My fragile friend. My most beautiful Valentine. Though you remain behind glass, I can only hope that you feel how much I adore you. I shall love you forever, until I inevitably break you while trying to set up a fancy dinner of bagels and straight vodka.

Have I forgotten anyone? Oh, my husband? Well, I have a special Valentine for him. Let's just say it starts out with "Husband, sorry for not showering a lot. I'll be better. Or not. Either way, you are legally obligated to love me and I love that about you." And the sappiness only gets better from there...but I'll spare you the deets.

Anyway, I hope you all have a fantastic, loving an romantical Valentine's Day! And hey, why not take a stab at writing a love note? Leave Hallmark alone and write your own damn feelings down! It'll be fun!

I love you all, my dear, sweet readers!

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