Wednesday....????

The results of last week’s Wednesday Winner poll are in!! And the response has been...underwhelming. I’m no clearer about the fate of my weekly awards than I was last week. Some people said “Keep it.” Some said “Keep it, but only focus on famous people.” Some said “Eh, whatever.” Still others said “Seriously, Pharon! I don’t care! Now get out of my house.”

So...Whatever. I’m going to still do them. I like giving away fictitious awards and keeping people on their toes. And I like alliteration. A lot. So, it'll just be Wednesday Whatever-I-Want type of thing. Because at the end of the day, does anyone really care? Probs not. And it keeps me on a schedule, and I dig a good schedule, people.

With all that said, here it is Wednesday and I have no Winner with which to dazzle you. It’s been a pretty regular week, and reflecting back on the whole week, I’ve decided that I’m sort of like “Eh, whatever” about most of it.

I think I need a Wednesday Eh, Whatever. You know, okay, so Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged. Sorry, but Eh, Whatever. I guess he’s some sort of royalty? Is that right? Well, I like my Kings and Queens a little more, um, LOCAL. I DO think it’s creepy that he proposed with his mother’s engagement ring, which she wore everyday until THEY DIVORCED. Call me crazy, but I’d be a little skeezed out. Maybe he should have given her one of Di’s PERSONAL rings or something. Not a physical symbol of failed marriage.

Still, I’m just like “Meh” about the whole thing. Same goes for Eva Longoria and the fact that she filed for divorce today. Her husband cheated on her. Big shocker…what male celebrity DOESN’T cheat these days? I have to give him props for at least being quite gutsy about it. He is some sort of professional basketball player, I’m told. And he cheated with a TEAMMATES WIFE, but then I found out that the teammate and his wife were in the midst of a divorce of their own anyway. So I went back to Eh, whatever…

To top it off, it’s the time of year where it’s not QUITE the holiday season, but not quite NOT the holiday season. You following me? In downtown Minneapolis, the hanging baskets of flowers were removed from the street lights this week. As if illustrating my point, the city has set the flower replacements - big, light up snowflakes - right NEXT to the street lights. They haven’t quite gotten around to HANGING THEM yet. They’re like “Eh. Whatever. We’ve got about 7 months of winter to do it…” It’s like they’re reading my mind.

So in lieu of a Winner this week, I guess I’m going with a Whatever. Who knows what next week will bring? Wednesday Wimp? Wino? Wednesday Whil Wheaton (that’s for all you Family Guy fans out there) Wednesday Whodunnit? Now that’d be awesome…maybe next week, I’ll have like a mystery I need you guys to solve. I don’t know. Whatever.

Wednesday Winner?

I know, you guys. I know you’re expecting to see a bright and shiny Wednesday Winner introduction [HERE] and then you’d want to see a funny picture of the chosen winner [HERE].

And then I would ramble on about why such-and-such is a winner [HERE]. (Immediately followed by a hilarious side note [HERE].) Then I’d close with a nonsensical “Congratulations”, and an earnest plea to the winner to enjoy the meaningless adulations [HERE].

It was such a perfect plan! People were actually HAPPY to be chosen week to week. (I’m assuming, of course. I have not received any word of acknowledgment from Miss Aniston). And I love my Wednesday Winners, I truly do.

However: I do not love the guilt trips that have increased ten-fold in the past couple weeks when I have overlooked someone.

I don’t have the stomach for this, people. (Once, I thought I had really strong stomach so I watched a surgery on TV. However, I then realized it was NOT strong when the surgeon sliced off a face and let it dangle on the patient’s neck while they repaired some bones. Oh, hello there, Toilet Bowl!) At any rate, I’ve started losing sleep over this. I thought it would be all sunshiney bribes, celebrity endorsement, and free shoes. Instead, it has turned into cloudy anger, hurt feelings and cold shoulders. Talk about your all time backfires…

I know what you’re thinking: Pharon, I couldn’t possibly care less about this. What are you getting at? Well, Antsy Nancy, I’m trying to tell you that...

I may be retiring the Wednesday Winners.

It's a tough choice for me, though. On the one hand, most people LOOOVE the Wednesday Winner. Especially when/if they know the winner or agree. However, too many people are missing the point of this feature, and maybe I have missed the mark a little bit. "Say whaaaaa? Pharon, you don't MAKE mistakes." People, I am but a human. And to err is human.

But, before I go gettin’ all Cancel Crazy, I wanted your input. Yes, dear reader, YOUR input. See the options below and let me know in the comments, on Twitter, or via email what you think (Remember that time I tried to do a poll and it nearly ruined everyone’s lives? Yeah, that’s why we must do it this way now. Thanks for nothing, Blogger). So, see the various options below. Then tell me what the eff you think I should do...

* I've got a WAAAY BETTER idea...I'll tell you in the comments!
* Continue Wednesday Winner
* Maybe Wednesday Weirdos?
* Consider Friday Failures
* What's with the Days of the Week crap? Forget the whole concept!
* Wait, did you really say something up there about a person having their face peeled down onto their neck? Eeesh. I don't care what you do, I'm never reading this blog again.

What do you guys think, huh? I need your feedback. Help me help you. You can comment below the awesome video, send me a tweet (@pharonlundquist), graffiti up my Facebook wall, or just email me. Don't disappoint me...OR your country.

Wednesday Winner

Big election week. Congrats to the winners, bummer to the losers. Politics, man. It’s a dirty game.

With that in mind, let’s move on to the Wednesday Winners!! Such a tough week, people. Too many of you have been incredibly good to me, unyielding in your compassion, and overall generous with your kind words and gifts of Kate Spade bags (Lana and Valerie!). But, decisions must be made, and a winner must be crowned. This Wednesday, I have two winners who must share the prize. The two have spoiled me rotten this week with bribes, incentives, and praise. That shall not go unnoticed (as mentioned in the first installment of Wednesday Winner). So, Congratulations to People Who Bribed Me!!

First, my sister Padrin.

Padrin went above and beyond her sisterly duties this past week. I feel like I should give you a brief background on Padrin and me. When I was little, I called her Queen Padrin. Every night, I’d go downstairs in the dark and fetch her a glass of water with “a lot of ice, and a little water”. I did this DESPITE the fact that she also told me that little gremlins live in the cupboards at night. Still, I did it. I was obsessed with her. My childhood diary is basically Padrin‘s itinerary. “Padrin came home at 12:51 tonight and Mom got mad.” “Padrin is going on a date tonight, but said I could watch a movie in her room”. Or even “I was bored tonight, so Padrin said I could paint her toenails.” Eeesh.

But now, all is well and I’ve finally developed that backbone I sorely lacked in childhood. So, now she lives in Decorah, IA with her hubby and 2 awesome kids. On Thursday night when I met up with my fam for a nice birthday dinner, I was shocked to see Padrin standing at the top of the steps. She drove over 3 hours to surprise me at dinner, only to turn around and drive back the next morning. That, my friends, is dedication. It was an incredible surprise, and to top it off, she got me what every young, modern woman dreams of: a bag of Amish items. Amish bonnet, Amish potholder, book about being Amish. It was Amishtacular. And lest I mistake her gifts for simple adoration, she then said “If THIS doesn’t make me Wednesday Winner, I don’t know WHAT will.” Well Queen Padrin, Congratulations! You’ve finally achieved the highest honor in the land.

Secondly, I also recognize my friend Kim.

Brief background on Kim and me: We met in Minnesota and moved to Iowa City for college, where we lived and laughed together for 2 years. Now we’re both back in the Cities and more annoying together than ever! (Just ask Geo.) This past week, especially, she pulled out all the stops for me. She suffered through shopping at Forever 21 with me, she and I watched the triumphant Hawkeyes game together, she treated me to an awesomely delicious “chocolate explosion” ice cream cake, and on Saturday night when we all went out, she did her darndest to make sure I was having as much fun as possible. Plus, she made a house full of drunk people come together and sing Happy Birthday to me. The icing on the cake was the adorable sweatshirt and Kate Spade perfume she got me. I look and smell better than ever!

So, my sincerest thanks and adoration go out to Padrin and Kim this week. You guys made me laugh, made me smile, and totally made my week! All it took was an interstate road trip, endless hours of attention, and a few spot-on gifts. I told you guys I’m not above being bribed. In fact, I am allllllllll for it. Congratulations, ladies! May this fake, yet well-deserved, award serve you well in future weeks. May it carry you through the darkest of days and toughest of times. And to all others who are reading this: I am still accepting gifts in the form of cash, Kate Spade bags, and surprise road trips. Well done, ladies!

Wednesday Winner

Wait, what? It’s only Wednesday? That can’t be right. It just can’t. It definitely feels like a Friday. Or at least a Thursday. But def not a Wednesday. The past few days have crawled along. The only things getting me through the eternal days are my conversations with Kim about my upcoming BIRTHDAY! Yay! Kim will IM me throughout days with messages like “Can’t wait for this weekend!!” and “Ohmygod, I’m so stressed. But I can’t wait until your birthday!” or even things like “Hey Barb [Kim calls me Barb], I hope you still like ice cream cake!” She’s been awesome. And, while I’d love to have her be the Wednesday Winner, I’m fighting that urge. Because I’m pretty sure I can only do this once a year. This Wednesday’s Winner is:



ME! Yes, I’m my own Wednesday Winner. And I’m going to give you an unbiased, totally objective reason why. BECAUSE I CAN. And, because tomorrow is my birthday, I’m inclined to remind everyone that if I had not been BORN, we wouldn’t HAVE Wednesday Winners. So, there you have it. Congratulations, Pharon. Well thank you, Pharon.

In all honesty, I am probably one of, if not THE, least deserving winner in the very long history of Wednesday Winners. Especially this week. I wallowed in several bouts of hormonal crying fits, offended my mom, wore the same pair of socks 2 days in a row, used a friend for her access to electricity, and only pretended to listen when Geo told me about his hunting trip. I was not a very good person.

But, I don’t care! I also did a ton of GOOD stuff too. I babysat on a Saturday night, I apologized when I was being a jerk, ummm, I….I…man, what else did I do? Whatevs. It’s my birthday , so I don’t have to explain it.

At this very moment, twentyadfjkalf;kdgj years ago, I didn’t even exist yet. I was but a sea monkey. Then, lo! At 8:15 a.m. on a bleak Oct. 28 morn, a child was born and the world sprang to life anew. She would grow to be an exceptionally bright, beautiful, hilarious, and modest woman. She would be called Pharon, and she would be a clumsy, foul-mouthed, crazy person. All shall be right in the world.

So, Pharon, Congratulations on your win this week. You don’t really deserve it, but it’s yours. Now leave me alone…

Wednesday Winner

My initial plan for the Wednesday Winner was to profess my love for all famous chicks who are (close to) my age, and talk about how awesome they all are, and how wonderfully similar I am to them. But: Beyonce and Lily Allen got themselves knocked up, or “in the family way” as some creepy old dude put it today. Kim Kardashian’s been divorced, and is now making more money than ever before. Britney’s been married twice, divorced twice, gone to rehab, and had two kids. So, I thought about all this. I thought about other chicks my age who are out there, being parents, or wives, or rich. Then I decided my Wednesday Winner is going to be:



This bottle of wine!! You know why? ‘Cause pregnant chicks can’t drink it, uber-ambitious workaholic chicks wouldn’t DARE touch it on a Wednesday night, and married chicks probably have to go do stuff for/with their husband. Take THAT age-appropriate-lifestyle-livers! I invite you to kick back and have a glass, if you can, of your favorite (or most readily-accessible) wine tonight. You deserve it, I'm sure!

Despite the push and pull of age-norms all around me this week, I keep coming back to the same thought, though. "Okay, so what's the big deal?" Because between the knowledge that my mom had like 3 kids by the time she was my age, and the ginormous lifestyle gaps between me and my 22 year-old roommates, I feel like I'm in No Man's Land. In the wise words of Miss Britney Spears, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman."

Additionally, I'm starting to think that all these so-called mile markers in life are a total farce to begin with. You know, "go to college when you're 18, start a career at 23, get married by 28, have kids at 31, slit wrists at 35". It seems so archaic, right?! We aren't in the age when the average life expectancy depends on whether or not you get the flu. We have a lot more time than our ancestors had. What's the rush, people?!

So, I drink the wine. The wine represents an appreciation for age...for maturation. Okay, sure, the wine pictured was literally $5 at Trader Joe's and has been aged all of 2 weeks, but the principle stands. You can't rush the process. You just enjoy it when it's ready.

Also, I honor Wine tonight because I can. I was talking to my pregnant sister Prinna today, and I said how badly I wanted a drink after work. And she got jealous. My SISTER got jealous of ME! It's pretty much the only thing I can do that Prinna can't. So WHAT if she's growing a life inside her body? I get to DRINK! w00000t!

Finally, Wine wins this week because at the end of the day, this old(ish) bag o' bones is tired! My feet hurt from my ridiculously painful, but AWESOMELY HOT, shoes, my back hurts from carrying my too-big purse, and I think I'm getting arthritis or carpel tunnel in my hands from tweeting all day. So tonight, I came home and opened a bottle of wine. Geo and another roommate feasted on pizza and mac n' cheese, but I paired my wine with an awesome dinner of salad and vinaigrette, and some pasta lightly tossed with tomatoes, garlic, and olive oil. How sophisticated!

See? This $5 bottle of wine embodies all that I have been this week. Sure it's cheap, but put it in a nice glass and most people can't tell the difference. No one cares what year it was made, or how long it's been maturing, the point is It's Wine. And It's Good. And I am now going to enjoy a couple glasses of my metaphor. Congratulations, WINE! Looooove you! Cheers, y'all!

Wednesday Winner

Dude, I thought Wednesday Winners would be, like, the easiest blogs to write of the week because I would KNOW what to write about. Not so this week. I was stumped. I sat down and wrote a whole blog about the Chilean Miners, but it ended up so serious, which made my eye twitch. So I reached out for help. I sent out an email to a bunch of people, asking for them to suggest a great Wednesday Winner. Well, apparently, people are tooooooo busy today, and I only got a fraction of the responses back.

At any rate, below are the possible winners, as nominated by my peers. I have devised a highly elaborate and precise rating system to declare the winner. The system is based on Creativity, Passion, Accuracy, Deservedness of the nominee THIS WEEK, and finally Chutzpa of the Nominator. Scoring is totally and completely subjective. And awaaaay we go!

Perek: “Christopher Columbus – For Making it To India”
Creativity-5
Passion-2
Accuracy-0
Deservedness-4
Chutzpa-5
TOTAL=16 points
Ally: “ME! - Cause I’m an awesome zombie!”
Creativity-3
Passion-5
Accuracy-4
Deservedness-2
Chutzpa-5
TOTAL=19 points
Kim: "I can't think of any winners. I can only think of losers."
Creativity-0
Passion-0
Accuracy-2
Deservedness-0
Chutzpa-5
TOTAL=7 points
Madeline: “Xtina Aguilera – For finally breaking up with her ugly husband”
Creativity-4
Passion-3
Accuracy-5
Deservedness-4
Chutzpa-3
TOTAL=19 points
Tina: "The dinner Pharon made tonight - It looked sooooo good! Much better than my mac n' cheese!"
Creativity-4
Passion-3
Accuracy-5
Deservedness-1
Chutzpa-4
TOTAL=17 points
Sanna: "Rob Dyrdek - Because he's the love of my life and he has more fun than anyone in the world."
Creativity-4
Passion-5
Accuracy-4
Deservedness-2
Chutzpa-3
TOTAL=18 points
Geo: “Texas Rangers - First playoff series win ever!  Plus one of the guys on the team is an alcoholic so he wasnt partaking in the celebration with all of the champagne and stuff but his nice teammates attacked him with tons of ginger ale.”
Creativity-4
Passion-4
Accuracy-4
Deservedness-2
Chutzpa-4 (Because no one likes Texas)
TOTAL=18 points
Claire: “Chilean Miners - Especially the one that had the mistress and the wife and the wife only found out after the mine accident.”
Creativity-2
Passion-3
Accuracy-5
Deservedness-5
Chutzpa-5
TOTAL=20 points
Cindi: “Sarah Abt [my aunt].......because A. She wants it SO BAD, B. She will quit b bugging you, C. She rarely gets offended at anything you might say, and D. She wants it SO BAD”
Creativity-4
Passion-5
Accuracy-4
Deservedness-2
Chutzpa-5
TOTAL=20 points

Gah! We have a tie! It's down to My aunt Sarah and the Chilean Miners. God, there are JUST SO SIMILAR! This is a toughie. But for THIS week, I'm going to have to say congratulations to:



No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Chilean Miners totally ruled this week! Plus, I just got word that they've alllllll been rescued by that giant Tylenol capsule! Way to go, bros! You brought the world together, and we are a better place for it. Chi! Chi! Chi! Le! Le! Le!

Wednesday Winner

I think my Amish studies have gotten to me. Turns out, there’s a lot more to being Amish than sneaking out to do drugs, shunning people, and wearing bonnets. There’s a looooooot that is, uh, boring. So, in honor of recent developments, I have done a total 180 for this weeks Wednesday Winner. Without further ado….I declare the Wednesday Winner to be:




Show boaters! Braggarts! Boasters! Show offs! This morning, I learned that my beloved Randy Moss is returning to his NFL roots and comin’ home to me! He’s signed with the Vikings for the rest of season, and I couldn’t be happier. A common misconception of Moss is that he pouts, does exaggerated celebration dances, and acts like a total A-hole most of the time. But guess what, people? I DON’T CARE! I love him! I love his jumping, running, one-handed snags for the touchdown, his faux-mooning of Packers fans! He’s incredibly talented and now he’s back on the VIKINGS, so come Super Bowl time, all you haters will be glad to have him. Maybe it’s because I don’t have any kids who are all “I wanna be juuuuuust like him when I grow up”. But man I just, I love him. I’m so glad to see him back.

Also, in the same show boating line (though not in, like, the "I'm better than everyone" way), I’d like to also honor my favorite Vikings defensive player, Jared Allen, who was in the news this week as well. Jared Allen, who for EIGHT YEARS has done the same awesome celebration dance after getting a sac (he kneels down on the ground, simulates roping a calf, then throws his arms up in the air with world‘s biggest, most genuine smile on his face) has now suddenly been told he cannot do that any longer. He suddenly can’t kneel down, unless he’s praying. Seriously. Jared Allen. The mullet-sporting, culinary-school-graduating (listen to his own hilarious “alma mater” when they introduce the D-line during any game), truck-driving, down-home cowboy has been told he can’t kneel down to pretend to rope a fake calf. Might I remind you all that Michael Vick abused ACTUAL animals and is currently enjoying the best season of his career? Welp, turns out, I have also loved Jared Allen for a long time, and feel like he’s being totally screwed. All because of a little celebration. A LEGENDARY celebration, from a legendary player. For shame, Fun Haters!

So, now my two favorite show boaters are on MY TEAM! God, I can TASTE the controversy! The tongue-clicks of Squares and Nerds. The people who think football should be calmer and quieter. LAME. I love football because the performances on the field can be super-human. These guys can do things NO ONE ELSE can do without suffering major arterial hemorrhaging. So who cares when they want to celebrate? I certainly don’t.

Okay, so, initially I was going to have a third non-Vikings show boater, but no one else deserves this honor like my boys in purple. I’ve been watching the humble, talented Twins who don’t do so much as an air-hump after a homerun. Yes, they are awesome. They are fun guys to look up to. But my beloved Vikings make the competition real. I feel like their celebrations and frustrations are my own. I’m down on that field with them. They’re working, and they’re working for me. I love my athletes to show their emotions. I mean, I know they don’t need to be total jerks and they don’t need to do all kinds of smarmy things, but I’m not greedy. I’m proud of them on the field. I like their creativity and their passion.

So, on that note: Thank you Show Boaters and Field Clowns. You make me passionate about, and inspired by, professional sports. You guys are entertaining and incredibly talented, and I whole-heartedly salute you. I love you guys. I will always love you guys, and I will cheer for you for as long as you want me to. Thanks, dudes. Thanks for everything.

Wednesday Winner

I don’t have the energy to build this up the way it deserves. I just got back from an awesome Book Club, and I’ve got a lot on my mind. So, without further ado, I now present: THE WEDNESDAY WINNER!!



Polygamists! Yay! One man, several wives. Listen, I don’t get it. I really don’t. I just recently accepted the whole idea of one person + one spouse. So why you’d ever want more than one, I don’t know. But polygamy is the “Jon and Kate” of this season. Remember all those shows with parents who had like a zillion kids? Well, now it’s a zillion spouses. It’s everywhere these days. Tina and I have seen approximately a half dozen shows about polygamy this week. And let me tell you: it’s hilarious.

I mean, not only is polygamy illegal, it’s just unfortunate. But for some reason, these people really think it’s the bee’s knees. Some dude decides that he needs tons of wives to fulfill his spiritual destiny. Who am I to judge? Well, when you put it on TV, I get to be a judge. There’s a new TV show called Sister Wives where three women are married to some dude. They love it. One of them basically admitted that she could never just be married to a man. She’d be unhappy. She needs “sister wives”. In most other situations, someone would tell that poor woman to maybe just not marry that guy. It doesn’t seem like a good situation when you marry someone, hoping that at least one other person will come in to take some of the heat off.

But, as I mentioned, Tina and I have learned a lot about polygamy this week. For some reason, these shows are hot like fire. All these women sit around and talk about how they are soooo happy to be the “third wife” or the “sixth wife”. What? They just hang out and wait for their night with their husband. Until then, they just kind of raise their hundreds of kids. It’s the weirdest thing to me.

So, this week, this whole Polygamy thing made for some good conversations in the Pharon Square household. I now have 2 girl roommates and one male roommate. The chicks rule the roost. I can’t, for the life of me, understand why someone would choose that lifestyle. All that estrogen!! It’s so…so…undesirable. But again, the whole polygamy thing is the trend of the season. Polygamy is the new black, apparently. And it’s fascinating. It’s new. It’s funny. It’s not me. Which is why, this Wednesday, I declare polygamists the Wednesday Winner. They make me laugh, and more importantly, they make me happy I’m not them. Congratulations, polygamists! I don’t know how you’ll split this honorable award, but I’m sure you’ll find a way. You always do…

Wednesday Winner

I’m about to get all spiritual up in this piece. Not, like, for real though. Don’t worry. This week was full of little tiny victories in the universe that is Hollywood. Therefore, I call upon the moons and suns and galaxies and black holes and the Big Dipper to declare that this Wednesday's Winner is:



Karmaaaaa! Yes! Oh man, she must have been working overtime in Hollywood this weekend. And believe you me, it did NOT go unnoticed. All over the place, people were getting pwned in hilarious ways.

Lindsay Lohan. Yes, people. She continually tested the limits of drug enforcement laws, shirked her rehab requirements, offended the judge of her case, blamed everyone else, and Lo(han) and behold? She failed a drug test. Twice. Now she’s supposed to go back to jail for 30 days. Will you ever learn, Lindsay? Well, if Karma has anything to do with it: you will.

Secondly, Paris Hilton was turned away from a whole country. Yup. Japan said what we‘ve all wanted to say to Paris since her first commando trip to the club: Sayonara, Sweetheart. They turned away Paris and her private jet straight up because she has been charged with drug possession here in the States. Her claim? She thought the cocaine in her bag was gum. Yeah, that’s just, that’s just not a good lie, Paris. It’s like me claiming that I thought the cake I just ate was a toothbrush. Silly rabbit. In Hollywood it’s downright humiliating to be turned away from club. But a whole country? Now that’s how Karma rolls.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Karma is not just a cold-hearted snake. This week, we got a brand new Glee episode, Penelope Cruz is preggo, and Steven Tyler is still alive. Oh, and also a new judge on some TV talent show. And Jon Stewart is leading our generation in a Rally to Restore Sanity march in October. Love it. See? Lots and lots o’ the good stuff, too. And it’s good stuff for some good people, too. I like that.

So, my hat’s off to you, Karma. You’ve brought a wonderful balance of peace, promise, and punishment to our fair Hollywood. I honor you by crowning you this Wednesday’s Winner. You played a big part in a great week, and I want you to know that I not only noticed, but I appreciate it. I just hope, you know, this comes back around to me somehow. But, like in a good way.

Wednesday Winner

Well, as they say at every awards show, “It’s an honor just to be nominated”. I hope that’s true, because this week was full of people who deserve the title Wednesday Winner. However, there can be only one.

Nominee #1: My Sister-in-Law Nicole.
Reason for Nomination: Until recently, my hair looked like a bale of hay with a rat nesting itself in the back. It was gnarly. After one visit to see Nicole, voila! My hair is shiny and healthy(ish). She cut and colored my hair from the comfort of her own home, while I got to enjoy a glass of great wine from my brothers stash (he is a wine/liquor rep and really knows his stuff). And did I have to hand over $120 for this awesomely wonderful transformation? No, people. Family discount has its perks.
Added Bonus: Nicole also very generously forked over some great product to help keep my hair from descending into its previous state. For no charge.

Nominee #2: Geo
Reason for Nomination: His previously mentioned awesome shout out to my good girlfriending abilities on his pod cast was great. Also, on two of the days I came home from work last week, he had made me incredible dinners. Salad and everything!
Added Bonus: It’s his birthday today! Happy birthday, Geo!

Nominee #3: My long-distance girl friends
Reason for Nomination: After spending the weekend with them, it was made obnoxiously clear how much I really just love them. We crammed into one bathroom to get ready (even though there are three in Kelly’s house, it just makes sense to play human Tetris in front of one mirror). We crammed into one car to get from home to tailgate to bar to home. We crammed two week’s worth of fun into two nights. And yet, none of it felt restricting. It felt, actually, comfortable. Natural.
Added Bonus: Not really a bonus actually, but it may be a loooong time until I get to see them all together again. I might have to strike while the iron is hot.

Nominee #4: The Ladies at the VMAs
Reason for Nomination: From Chelsea Handler’s pretty hilarious hosting job, to Snookie sans-pouf, to Lady Gaga’s meat dress, to Ke$ha and her garbage bag dress, to Rihanna’s awesome performance at the beginning of the show (take THAT, Chris Brown), I really felt the ladies represented. Sure, most of them were representing the lowest-common-denominator, but I like that. I AM that.
Added Bonus: The Taylor Swift vs. Kanye West battle. Each of them sang unreleased songs. But Taylor’s was great. And a big slap in the face to the dude who nearly ruined her VMA moment only a year ago. Kanye’s performance was only ehhhh. Point: ladies.

Okay, drumroll. The winner of this week’s Wednesday Winner Award is...my sister Prinna!



She announced today that she's having another baby! I'm so excited to spoil this newest baby rotten! Congratulations, Prinna and family! You have officially made my week/life! And I mean, I know having a baby is pretty exciting, but on top of all that: You are my Wednesday Winner. It doesn't get better than that!

Wednesday Winner

Well, you knew the time was coming. You knew, in your heart of hearts, that I couldn’t give you a shallow, self-serving Wednesday Winner every week, didn’t you? The time has come, dear friends and faithful readers, to reveal that this week, the Wednesday Winner is someone who is actually a person, and actually someone I hung out with this week.



That up there, ladies and germs, is my mom, Martha. On first glance, I know you thought, “Wait, you hung out with Sally Field this week, Pharon?” But no, the striking resemblance my mom bears to the star of such projects as Cybil, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Boniva commercials has not played a part in this week’s selection process.

Now, I don’t know if my mom even reads my blog (FACE! She reads it every single day), but last night, as I was leaving her and Prinna at the mall, she casually yelled over her shoulder, “HEY! Maybe I’ll be the Wednesday Winner this week!” Well Mom, your time has come. And sure, while the fun shopping trip we went on last night was a factor*, it was but one of several reasons you have won this week.

*When we went shopping, my mom “treated me” to a couple things at the mall. One of which was a pair of grey heels. They are even better than the grey shoes I originally drooled over. Yummy.

Keeping in mind that this is a weekly award, I shall limit my reasons to events that transpired in this week alone. I've got all the juicy stuff saved up for a rainy day...

Alright, Reason 1: This week was my parents 39th Anniversary. Say whaaat? That feat alone deserves a pat on the back…or possibly a head examination. How do you keep a marriage together for 39 years? Answer: Be my parents. She got an iPad from my dad for their anniversary. In the spirit of honesty and hilarity, I am inclined to tell you that, well, she hates/is not good at texting. She doesn't use iTunes. And sometimes she gets confused on Facebook (“What’s the difference between Top News and Newsfeed?!”). But, now she’s got an iPad and really loves it. Success!

Reason 2: I love shopping with my mom. And not just because of the above-mentioned perks I get. But typically I can manage to get my mom out of her comfort zone a little bit. This week, instead of buying her 4th go-to pair of brown loafers, she got the cutest pair of Rocket Dog gray flats. She would NEVER have picked them out had she been alone. Historically, I’ve also been (at least partly) responsible for her first pair of Jessica Simpson shoes, and her gorgeous bluish/purpley one-shoulder dress she wore to Perek’s wedding. I like that she actually takes my suggestions sometimes. Other times, of course, she’ll laugh until she’s red in the face while I stand there holding up a bedazzled pair of jean shorts urging her that she totally has the bod for them.

Reason 3: During the planning/execution phases of setting up for my niece’s birthday party at Prinna’s on Monday, my mom just sort of quietly left the room while I abused the feathers and glue sticks. After a little while, I looked up and saw her quietly repainting and reorganizing one of Prinna’s closets. While she may not enjoy harnessing the creative juices that flow out of a glitter pen, she does have a knack for keeping busy and being productive.

Reason 4: When I called her this week, she said answered with “What up?”

Reason 5: Finally, this week my mom wins the prize, because she is hilarious. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not (when ordering a pretzel last night, she said “I don’t like cheese. I’ll have the parmesan pretzel.” Uh….) Also she’s honest with me. I was complaining to her about something life-changing, a ski trip I think, and during my little whine-a-thon, she straight up told me I was not good at taking the high road and that I was being a jerk. Touche, Mother.

So Mom, here’s to you. Thanks for making my week this week. And might I add “I like you! I really like you!”

Wednesday Winner

This Wednesday’s Winner is a toughie. I was stressed out all week, and I was just not a happy camper most days. I was not a fun person to be with. Geo did the best he could, and my girl friends gave 110%, but not even the proposition of a Happy Hour with Lana and Valerie could save my sour week, and Happy Hours ALWAYS cheer me up. Anyway, so I decided that this week, my Wednesday Winner is:



Yes people, my couch. My couch and I had a pretty steamy affair this week. We were inseparable. We ate together, we took a nap together, and Couch didn’t judge me when I watched a Lifetime movie marathon. I spilled some pink Crystal Light on it, and it washed right off. It was so forgiving.

This couch is an awesome couch. I bought it, along with it’s loveseat partner, 4 years ago with Perek and Mitch. We actually went shopping and picked them out together. Our first big decision as roommates, and it was a huge success. While I’m not exactly stoked about the taupe-y, brownie color, it’s stayed in excellent condition. Tens of thousands of houseguests have crashed on the couches, and still they hold their form. That reliability really came in handy this week.

So, Couch and I have been pretty tight this week. We’ve rekindled the love we haven’t shared since my pounding headache on New Years Day. Couch has seen me on my worst days. This week, it supported me when I kicked my stilettos off after work and plopped my feet up on it’s cushiony goodness, and held me up during the rough Vikings game.

It’s all I can think about at work, sometimes. Coming home after a very long, rough day at work and seeing that lovely Couch Face just made me smile this week. The pillows said to me “Come, Pharon, lay down your head and let me hear about your day.” The blanket asked me “What can I do to make you comfortable? I’ll go anywhere you want me to go.“ And the cushions whispered, “Oh, Pharon, I love you. You’re the best. Have you lost weight? You feel like you’ve lost weight. It doesn’t matter, though. I’ll love you no matter what.” What a great friend Couch has been to me.

However, as difficult as it may be, I am realizing that I may need to take a little break from Couch. I’ve become too dependent. We’re becoming “that couple” who do everything together, and are rarely without one another. Sure it’s nice to have that one thing that you can really rely on, but one of these days, I’ll need to stand on my own two feet. But because of all it’s help and the time we spent together this week, I declare My Couch the Wednesday Winner. This week, there IS a prize. I have every intention of cleaning and vacuuming it after all it’s hard work. Who knows? Maybe I’ll buy it some new pillows to spruce it up. Well, as long as the pillows are super comfortable, and know what they’re in for.

Congrats, Couch!

Wednesday Winner

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Wednesday Winner

No one likes a loser. People like winners. (I’m going to make such a great, laid-back parent). With that in mind, I’d like to present the ALL NEW weekly installment of Wednesday Winner. Every Wednesday I’ll tell you who has won my heart for the week, whether it be a celebrity, a friend, a family member. (Technically, Brett Favre should hold the honor this week, what with his heroic return to the Vikings, but I’m saving him for a special week.) And while I am susceptible to bribes by those who would like to be hailed as the winner, I am not a pawn. I am not a puppet (Sarah). To start this off, I’m setting the bar simultaneously high and shallow. I’m starting with a celeb.

This week’s prize (there is no prize, by the way) goes to none other than:



Yup. Jennifer Aniston. She’s beautiful, smart, independent, “beachy”, and she always dresses perfectly. She’s all over the place this week, what with her new movie, The Switch (co-starring JASON BATEMAN who I absolutely love) and she never disappoints. Besides my decade-long obsession with her hair, I also covet the ease with which she carries herself. Girls love her, guys love her, and I’m assuming dogs, cats, birds, and even scorpions like her too. Also, I really love that she is NOT Angelina Jolie. Blech.

One of the reasons Jen Jen (yup, I can call her that) deserves this prestigious honor is because this week she made a comment about a woman’s right to have a child, with or without a man in her life. And when crazy coot Bill O’Reilly turned that statement into some platform for him to jump off and cry that this woman was “ruining society”, she coolly and maturely responded without attacking him or his idiocy. That’s a woman.

Secondly, she has a perfume coming out too. I’ve NEVER bought into the whole Celebrity Scent scene. I wear Banana Republic. But something about the fact that it’s supposedly “beachy” and “feminine” and smells just like you think she would smell makes me want it. Actually, it makes me want to drink it. But I won’t. Probably.

Finally, she made my week because she just seems like a woman who’s got it together. I envy that. She made a hilarious appearance on Chelsea Lately, she is iconic in the September issue of Harper’s Bazaar dressed and made-up like Barbra Streisand, and excepting this week, she typically stays low-key. So, props to you, Jen (yeah, she’s totally a follower of mine…) for being a great public figure and for having Victor Kiriakis from Days of our Lives as your dad.

Congratulations, Jennifer Aniston, for winning me over this week. You’re the best.