The Brunch Bunch

Suuuunday. Fuuuuunday. It's finally nice enough on a Sunday for me to actually put on CLOTHES and go out in PUBLIC. It's a busy day. I'm having brunch (brunch is the new happy hour) with my friends Ally and Nick, which I'm assuming will turn into a day of wandering around Uptown popping in and out of bars to taste-test margaritas and bloody Marys. It's more a public service than anything else. We do all the tasting so you don't have to! You're welcome, everyone.

I miss brunch. In the winter, I hibernate and stay inside with cold pizza and coffee while watching America's Next Top Model marathons. Not exactly classy. But a real brunch, the kind with an omelet bar, is straight up class. Ally and I used to make brunch a weekly habit. We'd go out and not get home until dark, full of bacon, eggs, and mimosas. It was like adding a whole new day to the weekend. There's Friday night, Saturday, Sunday Funday, and then Sunday night a.k.a. Recovery Night.

When I was a kid, we'd always go out to brunch with my Grandma after church. We'd be all dressed up, and walk into Perkins - all 16 of us - and sit down for some chocolate chip pancakes and orange juice (sans champagne). I remember shoveling the food in my mouth, trying to get the whole thing over with so I could go home and hang with my friends. Oh, how times change. Now I'm rushing through my daily chores (you know, having coffee, avoiding laundry, making a list of things I should do today but won't get to until tomorrow) to get to brunch.

Anyway, six hours later I'm totally full of bacon and mimosas. And I've made a dent in the Uptown breakfast scene with Ally and Nick. Does this make me better at writing a blog, or worse? Answer: worse. My grandma would be totally disappointed right now. Although chocolate chip pancakes sound positively delicious right now, I have a feeling that she wouldn't be so happy with the mid-day shots.

Let's have a great week, everyone!

Help Wanted

Remember on Thursday when I said "Hopefully I'll have some crazy cute pics to show on Sunday night! And, for your sake, I hope they're of an adorable baby and not me with a green balloon leprechaun hat on"?? Well, without further ado, here you go!

Yeah. No baby. My sister is still preggers. Prinna, my mom, and I walked around shopping at the Mall of America for about 6 hours on Saturday, hoping to walk the baby out of Prinna, but nothin'. I, on the other hand, seem to have given birth to an awesome new green Calvin Klein spring coat, a springy red dress, and like a zillion new shirts and some pants, though (crazy deals at Gap, BTW - just don't go there hoping to NOT do any math. "Buy One Get One" left Prinna and me scratching our heads because there were STILL all these weirdo stipulations and crazy percentages to figure out).

Today was my sister-in-law Leah's birthday. We all had a lovely bday dinner for her at my parents house. Prinna was there with her girls, and I took the opportunity to help Prinna go into labor (she's tried going bowling, acupressure on her feet, and bouncing up and down on a yoga ball, so my tactics were limited.) I tried blackmailing the baby to come out by threatening to dress him up in dresses all the time, I laced Prinna's cracker/cheese combo with a huge heap of spicy red pepper jelly hoping her heartburn would shoot through her and light a fire under that baby. I had my nieces Annabelle and Eve try and talk to the baby and ask him nicely to come on outta there and play with them. NO. BABY.

So, I tried another tactic on my way home from my parents. I swung by Target and loaded up on "prizes" for the baby (and his soon-to-be big sisters) should he decide to make his move. Now I'll sit just back and wait for a phone call.

Still waiting...

In the meantime, I had an impromptu Skype date with my friend Madeline on Friday night. We decided we both need a major vacay - all this planning and waiting for my sister to have a baby is really taking it out of me. Madeline helpfully suggested that we get outta town and go somewhere to drink margaritas by the boatload. So my new project is to find an all-inclusive paradise that is supah cheap. So far, no luck. I'm not giving up, though. I WILL find a place where room service is a given, a place that has either a pool or ocean in which to frolic, no kids, no obnoxious Spring Breakers drinking alcohol for the first time, and, ideally, with swim-up bars. Okay, so maybe I'm a little picky, but whatevs. I'm just a girl who knows what I want. Do you know of a place where we can have all that? Anyone? Bueller?

Help me help you, people. If I get to take a nice little vacation, I'll be all rejuvenated with great vacation stories to tell you. I was thisclose to posting a blog about the cavernous pot holes in Minneapolis, so to save you all from that post, I urge you to help a sister out. (Note: This is not to say I WON'T post the pot hole blog...I'm not that desperate. YET.)

So you guys get to work on planning my vacation, and I'll get back to kickstarting Prinna's labor. We've got a lot of work to do, people, so let's get to it!

The Ol' Switcheroo

Another Sunday, another day spent recovering from the weekend. Mercifully, all my roommates were gone on Friday night, leaving me to my own devices. I did everyone a big favor by attempting to pass all "hard" songs on Dance Central. On Saturday, I shopped 'til I dropped (finding adorable Polo rain boots for like 80% off the original $120 price tag) and then prettied up and went to Lana's St. Patrick's Day party. Irish Car Bomb cupcakes? Yes please! I had a great time meeting new people and drinking my weight in Finnegan's and whiskey. After a quick recovery brunch date with Kim this morning, I found myself camped out on my couch watching movies. (And wearing my rain boots. Seriously, they are so adorable.) Between the head throbs and overall achy body, I managed to watch two movies today. Job well done, I say.

In an effort to share my film savvy with you, I've decided give you a full movie synopsis and analysis of the critically underrated and ignored film, The Switch starring the timeless Jennifer Aniston and totally lovable Jason Bateman. Why didn't this movie get better reviews? Seriously, it's totally watchable and very entertaining. Without further ado, I give you: The Switch.

Scene opens to a homeless man with Tourette's syndrome yelling at people on a NYC street "Seven Years Ago". Jason Bateman - a.k.a. Wally - passes by him and take great offense to the homeless man's repetitive comment that he's a "beady-eyed man boy". Sad. Poor Jason Bateman and his beady eyes. But he meets up with Jennifer Aniston - a.k.a. Kassie - for a friendly lunch or something. We learn that Aniston is a self-sufficient, normal human being, and Bateman is a hypochondriac who doesn't like to take chances and doesn't want to be a real adult. They've been besties for lots of years. Now, if When Harry Met Sally taught us anything, it's that men and women cannot have a platonic friendship. So, duh, we know immediately Wally and Kassie won't be "friends" at the end of this particular flick.

Then Aniston drops a big bomb on Bateman. She's a strong, independent woman, and her baby clock is a-tickin'. She's going sperm shopping. After telling Bateman he's too "neurotic" to procreate, Aniston begins her search for the perfect, uh, charitable giver. Because it's a rom-com, Kassie has the wacky best friend (Juliette Lewis) and a weird list of stipulations for her upcoming donor. Lewis throws Aniston a very weird party to celebrate the impregnation of her bff.

Here's where the movie lost me a bit. Wally suddenly feels jealous about this whole situation. Because Kassie is weird, she invites the donor to her "I'm Getting Pregnant" party where he's going to make his, uh, contribution. Yeah, like, RIGHT AT THE PARTY. Anyway, Wally meets the guy who is allegedly "handsome" (though I didn't get it), and is all confused about his wacky feelings toward his little bestie's decision to use this guy's DNA to make a kidlet. He gets super drunk at the party, and stumbles into the wrong bathroom. There, in a little cup is the boy part of the upcoming baby omelet. Bateman, not knowing what to do with his crazy mushy feelings, and is suddenly the MOST impulsive person ever, switches his OWN secret recipe with the poor donor dudes. Get it? The Switch?!

Whoops, Bateman is soooooo totally hungover the next day. He doesn't remember anything because he just can't hold his liquor. So life continues as normal. Aniston gets pregnant, and moves back to Minnesota (w00t!) to be with her family. Their friendship is basically over because technology apparently sucks 7 years ago and they don't stay in touch. Tear.

Okay, back to present day. Hey, guess what! Kassie's coming back to NYC! Bateman is cautiously stoked. He gets all gussied up and goes to meet Kassie and her son - the stupidly named Sebastian - for lunch. This kid, I swear, is hysterical. He's adorable. He's articulate. He's so sad, though, that he doesn't really know his dad. Then, shocker! We find out he's all neurotic and a hypochondriac, just like another certain adorable man-child in the film. Odd.

Anyway, Sebastian decides he really connects with Uncle Wally, even though he hates every other person in the world. Despite his original aversion to rugrats, Wally finds himself really drawn to Sebastian too. BUT WHY!? Okay, so then the other weird part happens. Kassie reconnects with the man who she thinks holds the other half of Sebastian's DNA. That's right. She starts dating the donor dude. Wally is upset at this, because, hey! He loves Kassie now and he's just realized it, even though we've known that for like the entirety of the movie.

Meanwhile, Wally has some random epiphany which results in his remembering what he did on that one night seven years ago. Then comes a lot of "Hey, wait a minute. I can't...this means...that couldn't be...but...whaaaaaaaaaaaa?" Cut back to all the shenanigans of the cute kid. He's all adorable and inquisitive and just a mini little Bateman. Awww...then Sebastian gets lice, and Aniston is out of town with her skanky new boyfriend, so Bateman comes to the rescue. Despite his hypochondria, he successfully delouces his kid and they make pancakes. Double awww...

Then the climax. Donor guy is going to propose to Kassie, even though it's clear that her kid hates him (despite everyone thinking he's the real dad) and they've only been dating for like 5 months. So at this big party, Donor Guy is all ready to propose, but Wally can't contain himself anymore. He totally breaks in on the dudes speech, and tells Kassie that Sebastian is really his. Oh no! Party foul! Kassie hauls off and slaps Wally, essentially ruining everyone's fun at the party.

After an indeterminate amount of days/weeks of not speaking to each other, Kassie shows up at Wally's job. She's still pretty ticked off. And there's a whole speech about Wally only being able to see Sebastian on HER terms. Sad...poor Wally. He loves that little guy. But turns out? "Her terms" are that he's ALWAYS around because - Spoiler Alert! - Kassie loves Wally! I actually think she just falls in love with whomever she thinks is the father of her fast-talkin' kid, but whatevs. Then the movie closes with a montage of all the happy shiny pictures of the new happy shiny family. Yay!

See? It's not all that bad! It's got some little twists and turns, and more importantly, Jason Bateman rules. And Jennifer Aniston is just lovely. So there ya go. The Switch. I give it an enthusiastic 2 thumbs up (that's out of 4 thumbs).

That's Quite Enough

Geez, who DOESN'T have a birthday this time of year? Real quick Birthday Shout Out to my very awesome, lifelong friend CLAIRE! It's her birthday today, so feel free to call her up and harass her with birthday wishes.

Call this The Weekend of Things That Didn't Quite Happen. I was supposed to hang out with Ally on Friday night, but I didn't. I couldn't quite muster up the energy to get off the couch to go out. I'm lame. Saturday, I finally bought a Kinect. Yay! After doing the math, I believe I worked out (read: dancing/playing Kinect Adventures) for approximately 6 hours straight on Saturday. Which means I didn't quite get to the Y to open a membership. And on Saturday night, I was going to try and get out to the local legendary bar Psycho Suzi's to meet up with some disgustingly awesome chicks with whom I used to work. I didn't quite make it, what with the post-"workout" nap and impending trip to the airport to pick up Geo. Then today I had big plans to go on a little shopping spree but ended up with like 2 measly shirts. Not quite the "spree" I had anticipated. In-Between Season shopping is so not good. It's still snowing out. I can't bring myself to buy any tank dresses, Urban Outfitters. Not quite ready for that.

Today, I forced Ally to play Kinect with me for a little while. After my third dance performance for her, I discovered she wasn't quite as into it as I was. I cut her some slack and we went and ate wings and had a beer instead. So very ladylike.

Ally is about a year and a handful of months younger than me. I tried, in vain, to explain to her that getting older is not quite awesome. We talked about our twenties, and how awesome they are. All those life lessons, and things learned "the hard way" are so worth it, we decided. But then we were talking about our sisters who are, like, born-again twenty year-olds. We both have sisters who did the whole "marriage/house/kids" thing in their twenties, and now their kids are basically old enough to stay home alone, so now our sisters are all goin' to Mexico and staying out too late drinking mojitos. They're like rich twenty-somethings. Ally and I both wondered silently if the grass really is greener on the older other side. Who's to say? Neither me nor Ally is quite qualified to answer that question.

Anyway, I did manage to clean my room, though. I found things on my floor that have been there since Christmas. I'm not quite up to snuff on my cleaning these days. But the sun finally shone through our windows today, and the amount of dust I could see on everything instantly made my eyes water. I wanted to pre-emptively Spring Clean, but we all know it's obvs not quite time for that. So instead I made a sub-par attempt at doing laundry. I had a load of whites sitting in the washer for over 24 hours. Whoops. Meh. I don't need socks quite that badly yet.

And I made it out for my weekly excursion to Target, but, as I've mentioned before, Weekend Target is just not quite right for me. Too busy, not enough carts, too much time to browse, not enough money to buy everything I want. Left to my own devices for that long, I ended up buying the Kinect but forgetting to buy soap. So I wasn't quite as fresh-faced as I usually am.

Okay, so I didn't quite get everything done I needed to do this weekend. It's okay, though. Next weekend is jam-packed with birthday parties and fun times. But it's not quite time for that yet. In the meantime, I'm going to have to get the haircut I couldn't quite manage to schedule this weekend, and eat some vegetables that I couldn't quite work into my weekend diet of pasta and Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches (omg, they are so delicious, yet so horribly named. It's like the person who named them also named Dress Barn. It's just not quite right).

I had hoped to have a well-prepared blog for tonight, too, but, alas, I didn't quite do that now, did I? Oh wells. I think I'm going to get a couple dance routines in before bed, because I'm not quite sleepy yet.

Notes on a Weekend

I'm totally distracted, yo. Sorry. I'm watching the Oscars, and I'm super pumped about it. A couple notes to the producers of the Oscars. 1) If I cared about old movies that won a certain award in 1980, I would google it and watch THAT years awards show. I have a feeling the show wouldn't constantly go over in time if they stopped "taking a look back". Booooring! 2) Let's 86 the pre-awards show interviews. Ryan Seacrest makes me squirm when he tries to make small talk with the likes of bland ol' Gwenyth Paltrow. Let's just ask 'em what they're wearing, judge them from our couches, and be done with it. I don't care about whether or not motherhood changed someone's outlook on making movies.

Moving on...I finally did my taxes, just like a real, live grown up! Got me some money too. Thanks, Government! Here are a couple notes to the writers of tax forms: Me no understandy many of your wordy things. I've been doing my own taxes for as long as I've been paying them. Back when I picked up my first 1040EZ form, my dad made me learn how to do my own. It's a good lesson, I guess. I don't own anything, or go to school, or anything crazy like that, so my taxes are still pretty simple. But I wish whoever is writing these tax questions was a little more straight forward. It took a couple readings before I understood to answer "No, I didn't win the lottery or a game show this year". Sheesh. I'd like to thank Google and the handy little "HELP" icons on the taxact.com website for helping me get through my taxes every year.

On Saturday I got a little crazy. It was my aunt Karen's 70th birthday. To celebrate, I joined some of the other women in my family and went to learn how to belly dance. It was great, and so much fun. We went to this rec center place and there was a ton of food, a henna artist, a bunch of my aunt's friends and fellow belly dancing enthusiasts, jingly jangly skirty things that we wore over our jeans, and a belly dancing instructor. Note on belly dancing: It is MUCH harder than it looks. At one point, both my cousin and I had side aches. I sweated. I made the jingly jangly skirt shake and ring, so I thought I was getting the hang of it. Then I saw myself in the mirror. My body was just NOT doing the same thing as the instructor's. I looked like a crazy person. Note to self: Never EVER do any belly dancing in public.

Later on Saturday, Kim brought her Kinect over and we spent the night playing Dance Central - which, annoyingly, I had to actually BUY because Blockbuster is the worst place ever. "Well, you can't RENT games here, but we can MAIL it to you." After hearing that, I told the guy "Um, that's probably the least convenient solution ever, since, you know, you guys are a rental place." Anyway, I digress. Luckily, there were no belly dancing moves involved. But Note to everyone: Dance Central is the bombest game ever. Kim was hesitant at first and wasn't sure she'd get into it, but we had an excellent time dancing our butts off all night long. Sure, it could have had a lot to do with the rum and diet Coke's we were pounding all night, but I doubt it.

Finally, today I picked up Geo from the airport and listened patiently as he regaled me with tales from his trip to exotic Alabama. Okay, so it was 70 degrees there while it snowed all freakin' weekend here, big whoop! And yeah, I guess the malls sound really cool there. But whatever. After listening to a long story about what "ROLL TIDE" means, I was relieved when Geo finally suggested going out for a good ol' Minnesota food staple: Juicy Lucy burgers. Zummy zummy zummy. Note to my body: Sorry about all the dark liquor and caffeine on Saturday night, followed almost immediately by shoveling down a delicious, greasy burger with salty French fries. But it just couldn't be helped.

Notes on the entire weekend: Solid performance. One suggestion, though. You were far too short. Let's work on that.

The Cat's Away

Well, I guess I'm livin' the single life this weekend. I dropped Geo off at the airport tonight after work and he's on a plane right now, off to visit his bro in Alabama. Honestly? I got a wee bit verklempt as I sent him off. Yes, yes, that's right. This stoic blogger bid her man farewell and shed a couple tears on the car ride home. Sue me. He used to travel allllll the time when he was playing on an Elite ultimate Frisbee team, so I spent most weekends kickin' it with my friends and doing my own thing. I was used to it. But now I'm all, I don't know, NOT used to it, so I was a little surprised at my own emotions.

But he's only gone until Sunday, which leaves me man-less for a whole three nights and 2 1/2 days. So what did I do when I got home from the airport? I slapped on MY favorite - and Geo's LEAST favorite - bedazzled Vikings sweatpants and made the kind of dinner that would make a skunk blush. Yay! This weekend, I plan on living it up. And after living with Geo for the past 3 years, I'm going to try and take advantage of this "me time".

* Sweatpants. All the time. The reason this is different from any regular Sweatpant Day is that I can wear the ugly, gnarly ones that Geo usually tries to hide in garbage cans.

* There will be NO ESPN in this house at any point. No sports all weekend. No basketball, no golf, no bowling, no poker. Nope. None of it.

* I'll have the XBox all to myself. This is weird because I usually have NO desire to play XBox. But Kim and I put our heads together and discovered that I have a huge living room, but nothing to do in it. Meanwhile, KIM has an XBox Kinect, but not enough room in her house to play it. So Kim and I will be dancing our butts off in my living room all day on Saturday without any interruptions by someone wanting to play "one quick game of C.O.D."

* Clay mud masks. I love these. When my old roommate Nick lived with us, he had a dog Payton. One day I came downstairs with the mud mask on, and the dog straight FLIPPED out and started going all nutso and trying to bite off my face. Geo has a similar reaction.

* I'm thinking I'm going to turn Geo's "office" into more of a "personal spa room" while he's gone. You know, move his desk into the hallway and replace it with a comfy chair and a foot bath, and have an adorable little table stacked with all my issues of Vogue next to the Nail Polish Basket.

* Three words: Hygiene May Suffer.

* I'll probably lose a couple lbs. Without Geo here, I won't be constantly tempted to eat mac n' cheese, pizza, burgers, fries, Baja Sol, and anything else that contains Velveeta and/or 3 sticks of butter.

* I will be singing Rihanna at the top of my lungs whenever possible. Geo is, to put it mildly, a really good singer. Like, "American Idol" good. So I usually keep my karaoke-ing to a minimum. Now that he's in Alabama, he's probably far enough away for me to safely belt out any song my little heart desires. Any requests?

Okay, so maybe a couple days on my "own" won't be so bad. (Ugh. I keep forgetting I have 2 other roommates...buzzkill.) Oh well, I'm just kind of planning hoping to have a lovely, laid back weekend. I hope you have the same, dudes!

Control Issues

Another weekend, another ridiculous snow storm in Minnesota. Juuuuuuuust great. I was all "Spring Fever, baby!! Time to put away the turtlenecks and bust out the strappy sandals! When do the Farmer's Markets start again?!" Blurg. Wrong again, Pharon. Wrong again.

In between fits of cursing the weather while curled up with my spring dresses and flip flops and crying, I tried to warm my frigid bones by shopping. On Saturday, I went out to the mall with my sisters and my 11 year-old niece Rachel. I had like a long list of necessities that I was on the hunt for: a grey sweater, a pair of sunglasses, a new bag, red lipstick that doesn't make me look like a lady of the evening, and possibly a nice, structured, perfect little black dress. Turns out, I was feeling very Audrey Hepburn-y for some reason.

Anyway, I did not get any of those things. I DID, however, find a silver sequined scarf at Limited Too. Yes, a child's clothing store. Uhhhh...Right. I bought one for me and one for Rachel because it's less weird to buy sequined clothes at a store for girls under 13 years-old if you also buy one for your niece, right? Guh...that's so NOT Audrey Hepburn.

Today, though, I braved the wintry storm to go out shopping and found a super cute bag and the red lipstick I wanted (after I got home and tried out the lipstick, Geo saw me and said "Oh. So. That's new. You don't usually wear lipstick. You look, um, like, really dressed up in your sweatpants." Nice.) So I at least got THAT accomplished, I guess.

See, the big plan was to treat myself because I was under the impression that I had somehow made a bunch of extra money this weekend. I went to Bingo with Kim and Claire on Friday night - where I did NOT win - and last night someone wanted to buy my Wii that I listed on Craigslist - who did NOT end up buying it - and I finally got the last form I needed to file my taxes - which I didn't end up doing, what with all the time I spent shopping. Whoops. Talk about putting the cart before the horse...

Okay, so my priorities were all messed up this weekend. What can ya do? I'm surprised I was able to reign myself in as much as I did though. I did NOT buy a knit wool winter hat at Len Druskin because I told myself winter was over, and I only bought 2 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, both of which I've already eaten. I'm proud of my self-restraint, though. With the shopping, I mean. Not with the cookies. That was just crazy. Geo went to open one of the boxes and said "Where did all the cookies go?" I wiped the crumbs from my face and mumbled "Don't judge me." He shook his head and sighed "Too late."

So what? I ate a couple boxes of cookies, but I ALSO ate a salad and raspberries which totally balances that out. And yes, I bought a sequined scarf I totally don't need, but I kind of HAD to because then Rachel and I could match and it's adorable when a grown up matches a pre-teen, right? I thought so.

Well, I did an okay job controlling myself this weekend and not doing anything too crazy. It would be way better if I could also control the weather, though. Stay warm and safe out there this week!

Gram(my) and Eggs

I guess I didn't realize how much I love awards shows. But the Grammy Awards are here, people! I'm posted up on the couch, watching the 2 hours of Red Carpet pre-show. So far, I'm impressed with No One. But really, Lady Gaga? REALLY?? She arrived in an egg. Yes. A giant egg. "She's incubating", her handlers reiterated over and over on the red carpet. Talk about hitting someone over the head with a metaphor...sheesh. I get it. Her new single, Born This Way, is about, you know, being who we are since birth. (P.S. It sounds EXACTLY like Madonna's Express Yourself in case you were wondering.) Anyway, okay, so now she's "incubating" until her performance where she'll be "born", I'm assuming. She's not subtle.

Nothing exciting is happening yet on the Grammys. So, I'll dazzle you with the deets from my weekend. Friday night was a disgusting amount of fun. We went out for Kim's birthday. We went to a German bar, drank German beer, sang German songs, and took some sort of minty snuff stuff that they catapult up your nose. Crazy Germans. But then I finally made my way out to the dance floor with Kim's friend Stephanie and we went cray-cray. I LOVE dancing. It was so fun. So much fun that I needed to take a little nap on the way home. And then I spent like 14 hours sleeping on Saturday. I needed my rest.

Grammys Update: Blah. Everyone is wearing a gold dress or a leopard print dress. Everyone except Rihanna. Rihanna is wearing an outfit made entirely out of white Hawaiian leis.

Okay, so Saturday was a waste. I peeled myself out of bed with a throbbing German headache at about 3:30 p.m. I came downstairs and Geo, Perek, and their friend KG were playing Settlers of Catan - that nerdy game I mentioned awhile ago. They wanted to have a "crown" that the winner could wear, so I made them one out of a hard hat, Mardi Gras beads, sharpies, and pink bows. It was fabulous. Then I made a horrible, rash decision and watched Sex and the City 2 . I ended up sick as well because it's a terrible movie. For the love of God, don't watch it.

Grammys Update: Pretty disappointed with Gaga. She was "born" from said egg, but she looks, uh, normal. We are wondering if her outfit is made out of butter or something. If not, it's totally blah. Thanks for nothing, Meat Dress.

Okay, so it was incredibly nice outside today. After spending yesterday in bed, I needed to get out. So I went to the mall to find Geo a Valentine's Day gift. Instead, I just so happened to find clothes for me. Yay! So spending the rest of the day looking for Geo's gift was a lot easier knowing I had my own cute new stuff. Welp, that brings us up to now and these Grammy's. So far, it's kind of a Snoozefest.

Grammys Update: I must have fallen asleep because I've only seen like 3 awards handed out. They keep saying "Winners already tonight" but I haven't seen ANY of them. BUT! Me lovey Mumford & Sons and The Avett Bros. and Bob Dylan. That was definitely a great performance. Okay, Grammys, well done.

Grammys Update: CeeLo. Thank you. I love a man in head-to-toe feathers. But NO thank you Gwenyth Paltrow for not embracing the Muppet theme of the song. Geo just said she looks like she was CONTROLLING one of the Muppets because she's just dressed in black. Hater.

Geo and I just now made dinner reservations for tomorrow. Leave it to him...I was all "We'll never get reservations the NIGHT BEFORE Valentine's Day. Never." Turns out, we decided on a place, called, and got dinner for 2 at the exact time Geo requested. Maybe I need to lay off him a bit.

Grammys Update: I want to marry Rihanna's performance dress (the one with Eminem). OMG. It's gorgeous! So much better than the Hawaiian lei number she had on before. I tried to find a link to show you, but it's not up yet. Go find it. And I wouldn't be mad if you bought it for me. Thanks.

Grammys Update: Who is Esperanza Spalding? Uggggghhhhh.

Grammys Update: I'm officially checked out. Between the Aretha Franklin tribute and Rolling Stones and Barbra Streisand performances, I've invested far too many hours listening to music I don't like tonight. Blech.

Grammys Update: Oh, hello Nicki Minaj! Loves it! And she's presenting for a category I'm excited about! Best Rap Album. EMINEM! Oh yes. Yes yes yes. I'm obsessed with his album. Will he say something crazy? Let's see...oh, bummer, nope. That's okay. w0000t!

Grammys Update: Yup, I'm officially declaring this awards show BUNK. None of the good people won (except Eminem, and arguably Lady Gaga). And I could not be more bored. Where's Ke$ha? Where's Britney for crying out loud?! Zzzzzz...Well, with that, this blogger is off to bed to dream of what Could Have Been in this show. It started so promising, with that crazy Gaga Egg, but it ended up a big, fat dud.

Ugh. Stupes Grammehs.

Geo Says

Good gravy. How am I so exhausted every Sunday night lately? I’m old, that’s how. I had a great weekend, and as usual, it’s over too quickly. One surprising change was that Geo had an unusual amount of input of my goings on this weekend. I dismissed many of his ideas, ‘cause I’m stubborn like that, but like a broken clock, he happened to be right a couple times.

Geo Says: On Friday night, “Let’s go play Settlers of Catan at KG’s house tonight.“ I say, “No thanks. Last weekend, I spent a night playing the nerdy, albeit very fun, game, but two weekends in a row? I have a reputation to think about, yo.“ So instead of risking my very cool, very social reputation by going with him on Friday night, I stayed in and watched a movie in sweatpants with my dear friend, Pinot Noir. Is that better? I sure think so.

Geo Says: On Saturday morning, “I’m going to go hang out outside and be the dog handler for KG at his skijoring race. Wanna come?” I say, “Skijoring? WTF is that?” Skijoring consists of harnessing oneself to a dog, whilst wearing skis (the person, not the dog) and racing for over 5 miles while the dog pulls you along in the freezing cold. I say “Outside? It’s cold out, though!” Geo says, “It’ll be fun, though!” I politely decline and proceed to paint my nails and watch TV with my other roommate Sanna instead.

Geo Says: Later on Saturday, I list my Wii on Craigslist. While I have a LOT of fun playing Wii when there are a ton of games to switch between (like my parents have), I’m just not married to mine. Plus, I want an Xbox Kinect. Really Pharon? Trading one gaming system for another? Ugh…you‘re such a nerd. Anyway, Geo says I should list it at a higher price and then be prepared to negotiate. I actually listened to him on this one. I have yet to have any takers, though. I’m guessing there aren’t as many suckers out there as I had hoped. But I guess it doesn’t hurt to try.

Geo Says: On Saturday night, “Let’s go to a movie. Also, maybe you should take a shower.” I say “I feel sick”. Geo says, “It’s all in your head.” I decide to take a shower, and it actually makes me feel much better. I ask Geo what movie he wants to see, and he says “How about No Strings Attached?” I say, “Uh, that’s a chick flick rom-com. Why do you want to see that?” Then I remembered that Geo ALSO wanted to see Black Swan, which is very unlike him. But I put two and two together and figured out that Geo loves Natalie Portman (Hahahaha! I just asked Geo if it was okay to say that he loves Natalie Portman, and he’s all “Yeah it‘s fine. I do. I love her.” with the kind of reverence I save for my adoration of Kate Spade. Then he goes, “Ugh, she‘s ENGAGED? Bummer.” and I think he‘s legitimately sad about it). We go to the movie, and while I’m not the least bit surprised by the plot, I AM surprised at how much I actually liked it. I laughed out loud way too much, and too loudly, much to the annoyance of my fellow moviegoers. It was just, well, it was just what I needed. It ended happily and it didn’t make my brain hurt from having to THINK. I don’t recommend rom-coms too often, because most of the time I don’t think it‘s worth the $24 to see it on the big screen. But this one? I will tell you to go see it. Go see it in sweatpants on a freezing cold night, with zero expectations, and after a stressful day. You’ll like it. Just don’t EXPECT to like it. What? Does that make sense? Whatever.

Geo Says: On Sunday morning, Geo announces he is going skijoring himself. I say he’s obsessed. He says “You’re obsessed with hanging out with your family.” I consider this for a minute, and decide he’s actually totally right on that one. I can’t go much more than a week without seeing at least ONE member of my family. But they are awesome, and today my mom and I had planned a fun little birthday party for Peter and Prinna. We pulled out all my parents Wii games (See? I TOLD you it was fun if you have a bunch of games) and had a big ol’ gamer tournament. My family is fun, and my mom always makes way too much yummy food, so I leave full and happy. And okay, I broke one of my New Year’s Resolutions - to NOT do laundry at my parents anymore - but I knew I was going to be there all day, and I am down to my last 3 pairs of mismatched socks. But okay, I actually AM totally obsessed with my family. He got that right.

Geo Says: Tonight, Geo asks me if I want to go out and get some ice cream and run to the grocery store. I silently pointed to my sweatpants and my full tummy, and he just sighed. But this time, HE followed MY lead. He plopped down on the couch next to me and keeps asking me what my blog is about tonight. I say: It’s about everything you’ve said to me this weekend. He looks at me quizzically and asks “What did I say?” Oh Geo, what didn’t you say?

Good as Gold

Did anyone know that Christian Bale wasn’t American? I did not. I just listened to his acceptance speech on the Golden Globes, and I was all “Who is that strange bearded man with that British accent? Oh, wowza. It’s Batman.” Anyway, I’m decompressing, getting my awards show fix, after just the loveliest weekend. Friday night lasted until about 4 a.m. I haven’t been up that late in too long. I went for game night at Claire’s house after work, and then I wrongly assumed I’d be going home to a quiet, boring night home. Instead, I spent 5 hours playing Xbox Kinect with Geo, his friend Guam, and Perek. Three boys + 1 girl + lots of beer + Xbox Kinect Dance Games = waaaaaaay too much fun. So much fun, in fact, that I’ve adjusted my financial plan for the immediate future. I will be selling my Wii, with which I’ve had many great times, and buying the Kinect. And the dance games. If you’ve ever played them, you’ll know why. And when I bust out a Double Dig ‘Em at the next wedding I attend, you’ll DEFINITELY understand.

So then on Saturday, I saw Black Swan with Geo. Holy crazy movie, Batman! It was an awesome movie, but I definitely had to cover my eyes a number of times. I hate feet, and I did not expect a movie about crazy ballerinas to focus so heavily on disfigured foot images. Gaaaa-ross. But, it’s a great movie. Def go see it. Then we got home and actually watched Saturday Night Live for the first time in, oh I don’t know, how long has it been since Adam Sandler was on? I was just really relieved to know I was not alone, when after checking Facebook all night, I saw an awful lot of rad people talking about SNL. Maybe it’s the cool thing to stay in on Saturday night now. If so, I’m definitely an early adopter. But, if not, then it was totally a fluke and it’ll never again.

Golden Globes Update: Yay! Gemma (Katey Sagal) from Sons of Anarchy just won for Best Supporting Actress in a TV Show - Drama. Yay! Love that show. It’s sadly underrated, and truly an incredible show. Watch it, if you aren’t already.

And today the Farkle Family went bowling. I don’t exactly know WHY we went bowling, we’re more the sit-around-and-drink-wine-and-make-fun-of-each-other types, but it was my mom’s birthday, and we were feeling a little sassy. Quick side note: As I was getting ready, I commented quietly to myself that I needed a haircut. Geo piped in and said “Yeah, and you need to paint your nails.” Ladies, don’t ever complain about a guy NOT noticing something about you. It’s when they start noticing little things like that that you feel like punching them.

Anyway, bowling was fun. My parents, Prinna and her family, Peter and his wife Nicole (who, by the way just announced she’s pregnant! Yay! Congrats Peter and Nicole!), Perek and his wife Leah, and Geo and I all went and tossed some big balls around. I ALWAYS forget that I’m really bad at bowling. I keep, like, just ASSUMING I’m good and I get there and bowl a 42. I nearly got beat by my 5 year-old niece. Plus, my thumb really hurts now. God, life is hard sometimes.

Golden Globes Update: Um, Justin Bieber? Really? He’s presenting an award and, uh, looks GOOD. Dapper, almost. His usually gross hair looks, well, GOOD. He actually looks like a boy I’d have a crush on in 6th grade and maybe kiss his poster at night, and not some shlub plucked out of an Aeropostale store. Fine, okay, I get the appeal.

Needless to say, my so-called “diet” went straight out the window this weekend, though. Friday night, my “dinner” was 3 slices of pizza at 3 a.m. and lunch/dinner today was a pepper jack cheeseburger (with jalapenos, obvs) and fries. Oh, and a very healthy-sized slice of red velvet cake. Watching all these women on the Golden Globes right now (oh, and the freaky-skinny Natalie Portman in Black Swan) is making me seriously consider introducing a little bulimia in my life.

I hate the end of weekends. It’s like, okay, “I hope you had your fun, missy, because it’s over.” It’s so much pressure, sometimes. And how sad is it that I’m starting to rate my weekends based on number of naps achieved?! I’m getting old. I joked to Geo that our house felt so cold because I’m old and my skin is getting thin. He laughed, and again suggested I get to work taking care of my nails.

Golden Globes Final Update: Could I love Natalie Portman any more? No. I could not. I adore her. I want to be her. She’s not the best public speaker, but I love her, and I’m super glad I saw her award-winning movie this weekend, disfigured feet and all. Lovely. She’s great. Please don’t go crazy or get cheated on in epic proportions. You’re fabulous.

Okay, in closing, here’s my little Golden Globes-ish speech for this weekend. I want to thank my mom for having a birthday, my family for making bowling even more fun than making fun of people who go bowling, Geo for keeping me grounded and focused when it comes to maintaining my personal hygiene, Xbox Kinect for bringing friends together and reminding me that I’m very good at dancing when everyone around me is drunk, and finally, thanks to Hollywood for making me realize all my dreams could come true with diamonds and a well-balanced diet of burgers and bulimia.

Twelve Drinks of Christmas

Seriously, can someone please just give me a sick Christmas gift idea for Geo? He’s pretty much the last person I need to shop for. I have a couple ideas, but I’m not totally stoked about either one. I hate that feeling, because there really is nothing better than finding the perfect gift for someone. It’s totally cheesy, but my favorite part of Christmas is seeing someone open a gift that I know they are going to love.

That being said, I did some shopping for myself this weekend. I had to. I’m out of clothes, and I just needed an easy shopping trip with no stress. And I always know just what to get myself. I left the house explaining to Geo that I needed new pants. I came home with 4 sweaters.

On Friday night, Kim and her boyfriend Nick came over for beers and lime vodka tonics. We threw in a game of Trivial Pursuit, which Kim and I lost interest in almost immediately. But I was inspired to go shopping the next day because Kim always has cute sweaters on. When she showed up looking all put together, I was painfully reminded that the particular sweater I was wearing was about 6 years old.

So, Saturday night I put on a new sweater and headed out to a holiday party for the Ultimate Frisbee community in Minneapolis. It was at the Surly Brewery. Drinking beer in a place where the glorious stuff is birthed? Yes please! The brewery itself was awesome. It seemed like it would be an incredible place to work. All the guys I talked to who work there really have a passion for it, and it was a super refreshing atmosphere. I don’t know a lot of people who love their job as much as those guys do. It probably helps that they have easy access to booze.

This morning, though, my appreciation for those guys was replaced with a throbbing headache. I don’t drink heavy beer all that often. I’m sort of a Coors Light kind of gal. And though the beer was delicious, it must have increased the size of my brain while shrinking the size of my skull. I went to babysit my nieces tonight, and luckily they were not offended when I dozed off while listening to them tell me what they want for Christmas.

Well, between the beers on Saturday, the lime vodka tonics Kim and I drank on Friday night, and the liters upon liters of water re-hydrating me throughout the days this weekend, I’m finally balancing out. I’m ready to take on the work week ahead. OH WAIT! I only have to work tomorrow morning, and then I’m off until 2011. I’m both stoked and nervous about having all that free time on my hands! I better stock back up on the vodka and tonic water…

Snow Place Like Home

I don’t think I need to tell anyone that, well, it snowed a little bit in Minnesota on Saturday. And by “a little bit”, I of course mean that it is Armageddon. On Saturday morning, I made the very genius decision to go to the grocery store. By then it had only snowed about 12 out of the total 20 inches. I thought to myself, as I lay in bed with grumbling stomach, “Should I go to the grocery store NOW or LATER? The answer should have been “anorexia”. It was way too dangerous for me to be driving. All that crazy snow was blowing around like the inside of a Dyson vacuum. After the most treacherous 2 hours of my driving career, I pulled up at home to park in front of my house. I got stuck. I had to have Geo come outside and dig and push me into a spot.

As soon as I crawled my way up to my front door and dragged the groceries inside, I swore I wasn’t going back out there for the whole rest of the weekend. Unfortunately, I forgot that I had parked my car on the wrong side of the street, and hours later I was back outside, digging my car out AGAIN to move it to the other side so the plows could get through. It took a snowblower, 2 fully grown men, 2 shovels, and some creative driving, but I got out (also? All-Wheel Drive is a total lie. Total. Bold-faced. Lie). Then we dug out Sanna’s car, and our other neighbors truck, and some strangers car down the road. We hauled probably 100 tons of snow, but I believe I lost 5 pounds in sweat, so I guess that was okay.

Besides all the shoveling and shivering and tire-spinning, I just holed up in various different pairs of sweatpants all weekend. At one point, I asked Geo if it disturbed him that I had so many pairs of sweatpants, and that I just kept wearing different pairs. Luckily for everyone involved, he said it did not. But I mean, what else was I going to do? I couldn’t go out, nobody could come over, and I figured I may as well be warm.

I was, however, excited for the Vikings game today. Sanna came up with a couple extra tickets, and Geo and I were going to brave the snow to scream at people and cheer on our boys. Then this happened: Metrodome Roof Caves In. Needless to say, there was no game. But I luckily had a fresh pair of Vikings sweatpants to get me through all the naps.

Then, because I had gone through so much to get to the grocery store, I decided I’d just cook all weekend. Sweet potato fries, cornbread from scratch, cookies, and so much more. Instead, I found myself googling “Why won’t my oven turn on?” and “What is a pilot light”? And “How can I tell if I have renter’s insurance?” No oven + no clue how to turn on over + fear of blowing myself up so close to Christmas = sloppy joes and peanut butter sandwiches all weekend. Flurrrg.

But my God! I felt suffocated all weekend. I like to choose to be lazy. When the choice is taken away from me, I get a headache and start having thoughts like “I think I could look really good in bangs.” Luckily, our scissors were too dull from me using them to cut pizza and using them as a hammer.

Going to work tomorrow will be a mixed blessing, then. I’ll get out of this hellhole, yes. But I don’t think I’m allowed to wear sweatpants to work. Or CAN I? No, no I can't.

Ugh. Okay, well, if you have a heart, the least you guys could do is cheer on the Vikings tomorrow night when they play their rescheduled game in Detroit. Minnesota is hurtin’ pretty bad, and they have no home field anymore. And we really just need the pick-me-up before Round 2 of Doomsday hits us this week.

Well, stay safe and warm, everyone!

HO HO HOusekeeping

Welp, we didn’t quite get any of the Christmas holiday decorations up this weekend. We bought the tree, though, and it looks awesome. But it’s pretty sad without any lights or glittery crap hanging from it. And the wreath I DID hang on our front door came crashing to the floor minutes after I hung it. It’s like Christmas doesn’t WANT to hang out with me. Or if it does, it’s certainly not making it easy for me.

Anyway, I just wanted to kind of run through some reminders and changes that have happened and will happen here at Pharon Square headquarters. And in the spirit of the holidays, I’m going to try and make them into songs. I need a more exciting life planned on Sunday nights…

* Hark! The Herald Facebook Page iiiiiss Up and You Should “Like” It. AND pass it on to any friends who you think would enjoy some good ol‘ fashioned self-deprecating humor. Plus, you can post hilarious pictures and blog ideas. Just search FB for Pharon Square and you’ll be able to LIKE to your heart’s desire.

* Joy to the World, I Bought my Own Website. www.pharonsquare.com is, for now, forwarding to my blogspot blog. But in the coming weeks, I’ll be switching over to my own site which will give me the freedom to poll your eyes out, and place pictures any place I damn well please. So, get excited for that. Seriously. Mark your calendars, if you haven’t already…

* Oh Comment, all Ye Faithful Don’t be afraid to comment or click on your reactions (under the videos). And if you’re terrified of being caught reading the World’s Best Blog for some reason, you can always stay Anonymous. Though, I like talking back to people with names, so feel free to make up a handle for yourself (a la LanaMadonna) so you’ll know for sure when I’m talking trash right to you.

* I Saw Santa Sharing Pharon Square Dudes, I will definitely NOT be mad if you tell your friends about this blog if you like it. In fact, I’d totes appreciate it. FB links, tweets, writing a letter to your great aunt Mildred and mailing it to her with a 41-cent stamp works too, but it seems like a lot of work, and no one likes to do a lot of work. You can always follow me on Twitter or FB by clicking those handy links up there on the left. And when you want to share a blog, you can do so with 1-click by using those neato little icons after each post. Technology…what WILL they think of next!?

*Finally, Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Pharon Laid an Egg Okay, that one doesn’t actually make any sense or mean anything, but If you have any questions, suggestions, death threats, stalker letters filled with my hair, or general comments you can always comment directly on the blog or on the FB page for now. I’ll be setting up a new email account for the blog too, but I’m too tired to right now and I’m having trouble deciding between pharonsquare@gmail.com and pharon.square_funblogtime18347983626@aol.org/dialup Decisions, decisions…


Now that all that garbage is out of the way, we can all move on. How was your weekend? Did you see any good movies? Discover a ginormous splinter in your foot that has been hurting for a week now (I’ll give you one guess as to who that was)? Anyone get arrested? Buy a car? Elope to Vegas? Tell me some good stories.

(Sorry, there’s no video today. Comcast is down AGAIN, so I couldn’t get to youtube to get a video. If I ever stop hating Comcast, maybe I’ll add one later…we thank you for your patience.)

Have An Ice Day!

So, how was your weekend? Lovely? Fun? Boring? Horrible? Well, I hope it was fabulous. It’s getting to that time of year when weekends are uber-crazy. Everything is just wacky, everyone is busy, and there’s always something going on. I’m okay with that, I think. Yes, I love sleeping in (and did so on Saturday until about 10:30 a.m.) and killing time in the kitchen by trying out new recipes (I did THAT on Sunday. Sweet potato fries with fancy dip, breakfast tartlets, and brownies). But there’s nothing wrong with hanging out and seeing friends (did that on Friday night after going to the Timberwolves game with Geo) or spending time with family (yup, did that tonight. Had dinner at my parents house and helped my mom construct a collage-y type thing of family photos).

The one major kink in the chain this weekend, though, was the rando ice storm that jacked up Minnesota on Saturday night. I spent the day running errands and cooking above-average tasting stuff. Then at about 11 p.m., Geo had this genius idea to go to Perkins in our pajamas. For pretty much no reason. Again: Rando. I brushed my hair for the first time that day and we bundled up to go out for unlimited diet Cokes and probably a Chocolate Chipper Sundae or something. Zummy! We walked outside and I came thisclose to wiping out on our front steps. In the past few hours, the rain had turned into a deadly ice trap and there was like 1/2 inch of ice covering everything. Still determined, we started driving away, but my car slid right through the first stop sign. Strike one. Then we slipped right through a second one. Strike two. Then, after deciding that driving to a ghetto Perkins in our pajamas during an ice storm was just not a sane plan, we turned around to go home. I barely had to turn the wheel to pull an impromptu U-turn because my car just skidded to wherever it wanted. Strike three. We’re out. Totally crazy-fun Saturday night ruined.

Then this morning, Geo asked me if I wanted to go run around the street sliding around on the ice. Normal people ask that, right? No. No, DOGS want to do those kinds of things. Anyway, I politely declined, noting my inherent ability for tripping and falling at the mere SIGHT of slippery surfaces. To tempt those icy fates would be dental suicide. I keep having these visions of me slipping face-first onto some ice and knocking out my front teeth, and I’m particularly fond of those particular teeth. In response to that fear, Geo said, “Well, Pharon, that’s why you don’t fall ON YOUR FACE. You fall BACKWARDS.” Really? Gee, thanks Isaac Newton for explaining that to me. All these years, I missed that basic concept.

Historically, I don’t do well “walking” in the “winter”. There was that time I slipped on the ice outside a hotel in Iowa City in front of a massive post-bar close crowd. I slipped while trying to get over a huge mound of snow to get to my car and fell face-first into a snow bank, dumping all the contents of my purse into the snowy gutter. And in general, I just look like a dog on a skating rink whenever I go anywhere. I’m uncomfortable. I’m uneasy. I’m an accident waiting to happen.

So besides the ice in a vodka tonic, I prefer to keep far away from the frozen death trap. I hate that feeling I get right BEFORE I slam onto my tailbone and/or face. You know the one: the momentary airiness of your legs, the reflex to try and stabilize yourself with the other foot, only to do a little awkward shuffle before becoming all too aware of the weight of your own body and that evil, evil beyotch that is Gravity. Well, call me crazy, but I’ll do whatever I can to, eh hem, sidestep that landmine.

Okay, folks. Let’s keep our feet firmly planted on the ground this week, shall we? We’ve only got a few more days before the holiday season really kicks off, and I’d like to make it through 2010 with all my original teeth.

Sioux Falls: The Hollywood of South Dakota

Finally! The first snowfall in Minnesota, and I MISSED IT! I missed the whole thing because I was lounging around in South Dakota at Geo’s family cabin. Perek, Geo, Mitch, Chad, Chad’s girlfriend Angie, and I trekked into the untamed wilderness for fun times and drinking. It was definitely a great break from the stress and monotony of the Cities. We played Trivial Pursuit and Sega and ate nothing but junk food. I got a healthy dose of ribbing from the guys, and Angie and I helped them execute a wine tasting challenge for their pod cast, Good Guys to Know. I haven’t laughed that hard in too long. My stomach still hurts.

So, Saturday morning, Geo gets a call from his dad. We were all sitting around this cheesy little malt shop diner place for breakfast, and Geo informed us that his dad has a guy who works for him that has a limo. And said man would be willing to drive us around that night if we felt like going into Sioux Falls for a night on the town. After some half-hearted debating, we decided that this was too good of a chance to pass up. At 8:30, our driver Darryl rolled up to the cabin in the “limo”. We walked out with a cooler of adult beverages and saw this black, like long station wagon. I was getting stoked to stick my head through a sunroof in the sub-zero chill, but there was no sun roof. It had six doors and three rows of seats. The back two rows all faced forward, so it wasn’t quite the Limo I am accustomed to (if you call riding in a limo for high school prom and for my sister’s wedding being “accustomed” to limos).

While we were making our way the 45 minutes to Sioux Falls in the limo, we decided to take advantage of the whole limo thing. I had sunglasses in my purse, and a hooded sweatshirt on. So, we decided that I was going to be famous, and the guys and Angie would be my entourage. The limo pulled up to a bar, and we all got out. I had my hood up and sunglasses on, Angie shielded me from the people standing outside the bar. I held my face down and let Angie pull me in to the bar.


People fell for it. It was perfect. When I was walking back from the bathroom, some guy shoved his camera phone in my face and snapped a picture. The girl behind him squealed “Ohmygod, she’s still trying to hide!” I don’t know who they THOUGHT I was, but it was awesome. We pulled the stunt a couple more times as we progressed to more bars. At one bar, I went to close out a tab, and the bartender asked me to sign my “receipt”. After I did it, he was like “Oh, wait. Here’s the actual receipt” and then pocketed the fake receipt. My autograph! Hahaha.

So throughout the night, I kind of got a little TOO into my concocted alter ego. I was suddenly very aware of my facial expressions, in case someone snapped a picture that would show up somewhere with the headline, “Stars: They’re Just Like Us! They pick their nose and have mascara smeared on their cheek!” I felt like everyone was looking at me, I didn’t want to go the bathrooms alone, and I just sort of felt weird. Poor Britney Spears. I now understand her pain and aversion to normal social venues. Finally, we gave up the gag, and I put my sunglasses back in my purse and shook my booty on the dance floor without a care in the world.

It was definitely fun being a “famous” person for a couple minutes. On the car ride home, I reflected on how gullible people are. Geo made a good point, though. He said “I think people just like the idea that someone famous would come into their world and share the same experiences for even one night.” It was a pretty smart statement. The limo, the entourage, the feeling of being thisclose to someone who may or may not enjoy the perks of Hollywood life seemed to intoxicate people. I just hope that a few people had at least one good story to go home and tell. I should have advertised my blog…you know, bump up the traffic.

Alas, all that fame and fast food has wore me down. I’m definitely going to sleep hard tonight. Tomorrow, it’s back to reality and a job that doesn’t include lunching at Ivy or photo shoots with Annie Leibovitz. Oh well, I think famous people crave the kind of anonymity with which I can lead my life. I better enjoy it while it lasts!

But It FEELS Much Later

So did you all turn your clocks back? I hope so. How awkward to be the only person in the office for an hour only to realize you could have still been sleeping in your nice, cushy bed still. I almost can’t wait to go to sleep tonight, and it’s only like 9:00.

I’m definitely okay with going back to routine tomorrow. I had another awesome weekend. I spent Friday night with the fam, playing poker, and drinking wine. I watched the Hawkeye game with Kim on Saturday and then Ally and Liz meandered over to my house and we drank more wine on Saturday night. We watched a couple ridiculously awesome 80’s flicks throughout the day. One of the movies was Dirty Dancing. We all realized that, um, Dirty Dancing is totally inappropriate for children to watch. All of us had seen it a ton of times before, and love it. But in our most recent viewing, we discovered that as children, we had all unknowingly witnessed a botched abortion take place in front of our eyes. Sheesh…and people were worried about the suggestive dance moves? Really? Oh, the 80’s…how innocent we all once were.

Anyway, so today I got to go to the………VIKINGS GAME! Yay! Geo and I hit up downtown Minneapolis to watch one of the most exciting Vikings game of the whole season. A win in overtime? Deal me in! So, after drinking beer all day, eating hot dogs and chicken wings, and screaming at the defense for a few hours, my testosterone levels have sufficiently and wonderfully been depleted. But, during my jumping up and down in the confined space of the stadium seating, I smashed my knee into the seat in front of me. Owie. That’ll teach me to stay put next time.

The movies, the house guests, the football, the poker, the injuries, the beer…ugh. Yeah, I need the 9-to-5 to bring me back to home base. I need the proper lunches, the organized chaos, and the regular showering. There were so many people coming and going this weekend that it’ll be nice to be back at work, in the relative comfort and quiet office buildings can offer.

Now I’m really hoping for a slow week. It’s getting to be that time of year, where a nice, quiet house is wonderfully necessary, and it wouldn’t hurt to have a crock pot stewing in the kitchen. Will that be possible in a house of 4 people? Probably doubtful, but here’s hoping! Well, Skol Vikings, thanks to my girl friends for being awesome and hilarious, and don’t, under any circumstance, let your kids watch Dirty Dancing.

Halloween Hangover

The concept of Trick-or-Treating is so rude. At this moment, we’re sitting in our house, with no lights on, TV turned down, and debating whether or not we should run out to the store and buy candy for other people's kids. We are prisoners in our own home, held captive by the fear of sticky, loud kids arriving at our door demanding free candy. Also, what kind of parent lets their kids go to a strangers house and beg for candy? You’d think they’d be dissuaded by amount of beer cans on the porch, or the fact that we kept the whole block up last night with our music and wild partying.

Last night was a crazy fun night. Our house was packed with pre-partiers. Pretty much all my lovely friends showed up, and sang Happy Birthday, and chowed down on ice cream cake. It was super fun. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen any pictures from last night yet, so I don’t have the photographic evidence of my wildly underappreciated costume. I wore the Amish bonnet, a bedazzled cross necklace, and a black dress I had initially purchased for a Snooki costume. I looked great. No one understood it though. Someone thought I was a Salem witch and suggested I hang a noose from my neck. At the bar, it became tiresome explaining what Rumspringa is.

Plus, I was competing with insanely extravagant costumes around me. My brother went as a giant box of Franzia. And it REALLY DISPENSED WINE. Geo got his hands on a giant bear head (seriously, it’s large. Almost doesn't fit through any doorways) and was a popular Bear character from the Conan O’Brien show. And Kim’s boyfriend Nick was Brett Favre. Well, HIS version of Favre. He colored his hair gray, wore the jersey, the cleats, everything. But then he attached a box to the front of himself and had a little, like, diorama with some inappropriate material that would pop out when you turned a crank. So, needless to say, no one was looking at me anyways.

I love dressing up for Halloween. I blame it on my mom. When we were little, she would make us these incredibly adorable and complicated costumes. I was a mermaid, a head on a platter, a scarecrow, and my brother and sisters went as the California Raisins one year. We always looked awesome. So I still heartily embrace Halloween, and totally appreciate a good, clever costume. As long as it doesn't involve kids coming to MY door.

Well, Happy Halloween, everyone. I’m calling it a night as I have still not recovered from the debauchery last night. I haven’t moved much from the couch, and I really don’t intend to. Thanks again to all my lovely friends for coming out last night and making it such a memorable birthday! Time to start planning NEXT year's birthday party...

Repent!

I’m going to do my best at blogging coherently tonight. I’m writing this during the Vikings game, and it’s a tight game so far. But I’ll try my best to stay focused, because I have a lot to get off my chest.

Okay, so first of all, I want to say “Sorrrrrry, Mom….” to, duh, my mom. She has planned a birthday dinner for me this coming Thursday night (have I mentioned it’s my birthday on Thursday? Probably not…I like to be really low-key about my birthdays. /sarcasm) and I crapped all over her plans. Which makes me sound like a total jerk. I’m lucky to have almost my whole ginormous family come out for my birthday, so restaurant options become limited. And when it was decided that we’d go to the private room at Olive Garden (When we’re there, we’re family!) I couldn’t get past the thought of the unlimited breadsticks that I could eat for days. The problem is, I’m about to squeeze myself into a tiny black dress for my Halloween costume next weekend, and my will power is lacking. But instead of just deciding not to eat 20 breadsticks, I complained and sounded like an ungrateful brat. So, Mom, in front of the fives and tens of people who read this, I’m sorry.

Now that we’ve gotten that ugliness out of the way, I’d now like to apologize to the fine people at Forever 21 who may have had the unhappy sight of my Minnesota-white body squeezed into a black sequined mini-dress. I don’t typically find myself in the glaringly bright store with floor-to-ceiling mirrors anymore. But, in the interest of finding an appropriate Snooki dress (yup, I’ll be dressing up as the lovable Guidette for Halloween), Kim and I made our way to Forever 21. I was reminded immediately, that I am NOT forever 21. We filled my arms with gold, black, bejeweled and ruched mini dresses and, well, it went questionably. At one point, Kim, who was waiting for me outside the dressing room as I tried on dress after dress, had to ask “Pharon, what are you laughing at!?” I mean, people, seriously. It was hilarious. There were cut-outs and elastic in places that should not have cutouts or elastic. Plus, I’m only 5’2” and these dresses were S.H.O.R.T.! Who wears that stuff?! But finally, I found one that didn't make me want to throw up. I peeked my head through the curtain and beckoned Kim in to the room with me. I stood uncomfortably in front of my dear friend, tugging at the dress, and hoped she wouldn’t start crying at the sight. Instead, she said, helpfully, “You’ll have stilettos on, and so much jewelry! Plus, the bars don’t have florescent lights in them. I think you look great!” God bless you, Kim.

Finally, I want to say “My Bad” to my liver. On Friday night, Liz, Ally and Kim came over and we did some work on some Prosecco and other various wines. Clean up on Saturday morning was really easy because all I did was collect like 8 empty bottles of wine and throw them in the garbage. But I really pushed my body to process all that, and it did a great job. So, I’m sorry and thank you, Body.

Whew! I feel better already! Now I can start the week fresh, and determined not to commit these same atrocities again. I mean, except the last one. That one just, well, my heart wasn’t really in that one.

But for realsies, I had a great weekend, and hopefully I have no more apologies like this next Sunday!

P.A.R.T.WHY? Because I'm old.

I’d like to start off by telling you that yesterday, I washed my Randy Moss jersey for the first time in, well, awhile. I washed it and the Vikings won today. Coincidence? I think not. I washed off the bad juju! You’re welcome, Vikings.

Anyway, between naps, football games, and movies this weekend, I managed to make it out to an Ultimate Frisbee party (yeah, it’s a sport. It’s got the basic premise and contact level of soccer, but with a Frisbee. And no goalie. And also, you don’t kick anything. And it’s not written in stone that every player needs to be wearing matching jerseys. Also, there are no referees). Geo plays and their season is over, so they celebrated by throwing a party. It was really fun. And I was reminded how much I love going to parties. Especially when they are at other people’s houses. I opened a beer, and casually tossed the cap on the counter, and when it fell on the ground, I looked at it and then just walked in the other room. Yay! Rebellion! I was the party-goer that I typically hate. When we have parties at our house, I always think to myself “God! What kind of person just tosses their beer caps on the floor?” Answer: People who don’t have to pick up the next day.

So we haven’t had a party here in a few months. For the past several Sunday mornings, the house looks pretty much the same as it did on Thursday morning. No sticky floors, no beer cans shoved in the book cases, no strangers on the couch, no random sock under the coffee table (this has happened like a half dozen times. Who takes off one sock and leaves it somewhere? Crazy…). It’s been nice. So, that’s why I’ve decided to export my birthday party to the exotic bars in downtown Minneapolis.

While Kim and I were watching the Iowa football game on Saturday, we were talking about what to do for my birthday party in a couple weekends. We were considering the possibility of just hosting a little get-together at my house, because we just have “that house” that has the parties. But the blur of noise violations, broken glasses, and hours of clean up kept clouding my thoughts. We decided it best, for my sake and sanity, to NOT have a party here. And I’m now officially excited to celebrate getting older AND not have to clean up after. Everybody wins!

Okay, so now that we’ve got that settled, I can just focus on keeping the depression about getting old at bay. Birthdays are fun...

Braaaaains

Another weekend, another set of lessons learned. First off, fake blood is, well, not removable. But before I get to that very useful tidbit of information, I just want to say one thing. Saturday was the 3rd Angel Birthday for my niece Sophia who passed away from SIDS. I spent the day with my family at Pine Haven pumpkin patch. It was really wonderful to spend time together, enjoying the weather, and thinking of Sophia. And in addition to all this tragedy and grief, my brother-in-law is being sued and harassed by his former employer, Federated Insurance. And while I spent Saturday night with 8,000 people dressed up as zombies (again, more on that later), this disgusting excuse for a company is the real soul-less, blood-thirsty monster. I urge you, when you have the time, to check out my sisters blog at www.fedupwithfederated.com. Their actions are nothing short of merciless and evil. So, yeah, please check that out if you haven’t already.

Okay, so apparently every year for 6 years, people get dressed up as zombies and stagger around the West Bank moaning and yelling “Braaaaains!” I have never been on this Zombie Pub Crawl before, but this year, Ally and I went and bought the make up and got all zombified. Ally was a Zombie Geisha, and I was a Zombie Mental Patient. And we. Looked. Good.







Another lesson I learned was that when they advertise “drink specials for zombies” what they really mean is “No drink specials, and in fact, Pharon, beer is way more expensive than you thought.” So, my wallet is significantly lighter…and bloodier. Yeah, there was a lot of fake blood around. And it got all over me. I had some that I applied myself, but I came home with a lot more of it. It’s still on me. It like STAINED my skin. My hands, legs and stomach all looked like I was slapped repeatedly. So yeah, I don’t know how to get it off. Note to future zombies: Don’t put fake blood on anything you can’t cover up for work on Monday.

But it was a pretty fun night. Seeing 8,000 people dressed up as everything from Zombie Santas to Zombie Marilyn Monroes staggering around the city, moaning and begging for braaaains was quite a sight. And being part of it was great. One bonus of dressing as a zombie for a Saturday night was that I was really comfortable. I wore scrubs and a white t-shirt with flip flops. It was like wearing pajamas. And there was cheering going on, which I love at any event. “What do we want?” “BRAAAINNS!” “When do we want ‘em?” “BRAAAINNS!”

But, now all I want is bed. And when do I want it? Now.